Adventures in Football #132-133: The Low Countries 

 

Hello, and welcome back. Amazingly, I’ve not been to a football game since the Women’s Euros! I’m about quality not quantity, boys. This little mini-adventure came about because The Big Dohmi wanted to stay in Vlissingen for a few days. I wanted to go to Gibraltar. One of us got their way. Because I had to fly into Amsterdam, I thought I’d make a week of it and check out one of Europe’s premium capital cities. Home of bicycles, marujiana and prostitutes. Join me, my wife and my friends, as we visit the low countries. 

 

September 30, 2025.  

 

Bad news sports fans, I only do two games in this thing. Be warned ahead of time. We begin our journey flying out of Birmingham International Airport, which is still being worked on. Will it be finished in my lifetime? Maybe not. It still sucks. One day, it may not. We’re on EasyJet to Amsterdam Schiphol at the sensible time of around 2pm. Inexplicably as our plane soared into sky my brain played me “FLY HIGH, LESBIAN SEAGULL”. Thanks for that, mate.  

 

A little travel trick I enjoy is opening Google maps and basically loading the entire flight path before take off and then using it to tell what city we’re flying over. Ipswich looks crap from the air. I also eyeballed some enormous wind farms off the coast of the Netherlands. They do love a windmill and with good reason. I hadn’t realised just how windy the entire country is. It’s flat as a pancake and the wind just blows in off the sea.  

We arrive in Amsterdam and purchase train tickets into the city. While they work on the train, we quickly discover they don’t transfer onto the tram. So, we escape the station and then wave the ticket at the tram guy and he’s like “NAAAAH mate”. But you can just put your card against the tram card reader, and it clocks you in. Then you can clock out as you’re getting off. Their transport technology is far superior to our own. Unless you live in London.  

So, we take a short walk and arrive at our gaff; Dahli’s Sleep Boutique. A privately owned place run by a lady called Isabella. Due to modern day key lock box technology we never meet Isabella or see anyone else while we’re there. This is the street it’s on and not only is it quaint as fuck, it has nice restaurants and a convenience store nearby. It feels like we’re really living in Amsterdam. Which means we have a neighbour who is building a shed. This results in early sounds of wood being cut, which is unfortunate because night one we’re going on the fucking piss.  

But first we walk around and check out Amsterdam’s massive network of canals. I legitimately had no idea how many canals Amsterdam had but they’re everywhere. So are drugs. They’re legal and the temptation was there to get some magic mushrooms but I’d be concerned I’d end up in a canal. You could definitely have a fun weekend here though. Take the lads, get some drugs. There are edibles on sale everywhere.  

 

We wander into De Wallen, which is the centre of Amsterdam and a bit of a tourist trap and I have to say, entering that part of the city is a huge culture shock. If you’re not familiar with Amsterdam, De Wallen is the Red Light District. And it’s not some scummy place shoved off down the side streets, it’s literally one of the city’s biggest tourist attractions. Does your city advertise itself like that? Come to Amsterdam, shag some prostitutes! A few minutes of Moulin Rouge, ladies in their underwear in windows and sex shops was a bit much. I needed a few beers to lower my inhibitions to that level.  

 

So, we went to an Argentine steakhouse and had some really nice food but got rinsed on the beer prices. A beer in there cost 10 Euros. TEN! It was good but come on. After getting suitably lubricated we returned to De Wallen and had a proper look around. It’s so weird seeing prostitutes just in windows like they are here. And it’s not just a couple. There are hundreds.  

Photography is forbidden down the side streets where the ladies work, but you can kind of see stuff in the background here. The statue is of Belle, a sex worker, showing Amsterdam’s relationship with the sex industry. The red doors in the background have prostitutes in, which you can’t see. After walking around for a while we went to the pub, in a different part of town, and experienced some local strong beverages. I’m fairly certain I went to sleep around 4am.  

I awoke to this picture on my phone. I had no idea what it was until we walked through a park the next day and it’s in the park. I must have thought it looked good. Time stamp is 1am. All the bar staff I spoke to were really friendly and I had a great night out. However, Jimmy Shedbuilder next door woke me up early and it’s safe to say I didn’t have a great Wednesday.  

 

October 1, 2025. 

 

Man, let me tell you, the hangover/sawing combination did me in. The first photo on my phone, the next day, was at 4pm. I was genuinely asleep most of the day. I only got up because I was hungry. Coffee and microwaved lasagna later and I felt human again.  

This was the view from Ciao Bella, where I ate. Amsterdam is a pretty city. I enjoyed being in it. After a belated rise into action, we went walking around Amsterdam again. It’s very much a city centre that is dominated by public transport and bicycles. Which makes navigation around it quite easy. The trams and cars will stop for you…the bikes won’t. Bicycles are at the top of the food chain here. Unless one tries to go across tram lines and eats shit. I saw three cyclists fall off their bikes while I was in the city and it was strangely satisfying. Low impact crashes are the way forward. 

My approach to checking out cities frequently involves just walking around and looking at stuff. Joao, who met us later, pointed out that going into museums is also walking around looking at stuff. Maybe I’ll up my game next trip.  

We go to meet Joao in a bar near Anne Frank’s house. I get this snap of Maria outside. I had to tell her to not smile. Being outside the house makes the whole story seem more…real. I’ve not read Diary of a Young Girl, but I might have to now. Anyway, we’re done looking around so we meet Joao, who lives in Eindhoven, for drinks and food and whatnot.  

Here, at the Cafe ‘t Monumenje. Often, I end up in pubs because of Untappd, and this is the case here. Cafe ‘t Monumenje looks like it hasn’t changed since World War II. Maybe earlier. If this was where two characters met in a WWII movie, you wouldn’t bat an eyelid. It felt gritty, real and the barman was having a beer while he was serving people. That’s a proper boozer. There were several grumpy old men drinking alone. I had a fantastic time.  

Fancy a game of Zeeslag while we’re here? Slag is Dutch for battle so literally “sea battle”. It’s battleship. That doesn’t explain why the things that lift a bridge up so ships can get under is called “slagbomen” but that is my favourite Dutch word. It translates to “barriers” on Google translate but the words mean battle trees. You can never have enough slagbomen.  

Amsterdam, by night, is enchanting. Everything lights up. The bridges, the churches, the cinemas. The buildings take on new life. It’s just so fucking pretty. If you’re in Amsterdam at night, don’t just hang out by the Red Light District. There’s plenty of city that looks different by night.  

We walk around, having drinks, getting food. Maria decides she wants a massage and I’m like…it might be a bit dodgy. So, we find a place and the woman comes to greet us at the door. Joao, knowing by the time Maria is finished he’ll have to leave says “nice to meet you” and the hostess smiles back and says “you too”. I was in bits. We get about two minutes walk away and Maria calls asking if I have cash because they want cash only payment. Of course they do. We turn to go back and she calls again, saying they’ve magically found the capacity to take card payments.  

At the bar I hit the magic #2000 on Untappd. The barman is really helpful when he hears I’m close to that milestone. He even said “nice” when I said I was on Untappd. Shout out to Cafe Gollem for their alcohol related support this week. With Joao heading back to Eindhoven and Maria having completed her massage, we’re back to the apartment. Tomorrow, it’s my birthday, and we’re meeting the Big Dohmi for a trip.  

 

October 2, 2025. 

 

Dohmi has decided he doesn’t want to drive into Amsterdam and has suggested meeting us in Utrecht. Which is cool because it’s another place I’ve not been to. I tell Joao about it, and he says it’s a pretty place.  

It’s another place that’s dominated by canals and looks a bit like Riften, if you’re familiar with the Skyrim game. I try, unsuccessfully, to explain to Maria what the Ratway is.  

True to Joao’s word, Utrecht is a pretty place, and we have a nice little walk around it. I know we’re not done much football on this trip but if it wasn’t for football, I wouldn’t be here. Experiencing stuff. Travel is so important to you and your development as a person. To understand other cultures and other ways of doing things. If you only stay in your country or go to British pubs in other countries, you’re not getting enough out of life. I might not always like other cultures or their ways of doing things but you have to experience them. Otherwise, what life have you lived? Isolated, insular.  

We meet Dohmi here at the Che Guevara statue. What do you mean your city doesn’t have a Che Guevara statue? Get with the times!  

We drop Maria in Den Haag (The Hague), where she’ll be staying for a few nights. She’s from the Philippines and has a thing for former president Rodrigo Duterte. We regularly avoid talking politics in the house because of our differing views on Duterte and his reign as Philippines gaffer. Marriage is based on compromise and understanding. You have to pick your battles.  

The Big Dohmi has bought me a birthday snack, exploiting my love of the Corny. Schoko-Banane is an excellent flavour and it’s my first time trying the Milch ones and they bang too. The Big Corny never misses. Dohmi is driving us across the country to his family’s favoured holiday destination when he was younger; Vlissingen. It’s way over in Zeelandia and is right on the coast, by the dunes.  

Our strolls through the dunes become a regular feature of the weekend. That’s Vlissingen on the horizon. Vlissingen was a key part of World War 2, where the Allies had to reclaim it from the Nazis to secure a safe route for shipping into Antwerp. The guns across the island of Walcheran a threat to naval approach. It’s easy to forget the stains of World War II are literally everywhere in Europe. Every city has a tale of woe. Everywhere suffered. Never forget.  

 

October 3, 2025 

 

After Dohmi survives a moment with a flasher, we head out for the day. Dohmi wants to get fried fish at the coast and then it’s off to Belgium. We have an actual football match. Albeit an evening kick off.  

Westkapelle is where Dohmi wants to go for fish, which happens to be another key World War II landing point. Between here and Vlissingen the Allies took control of Walcheren away from the Nazis and allowed access to the port at Antwerp. At the landing site there are plaques to fallen British soldiers who died reclaiming this part of the world from its greatest evil. Most of them in their late teens and early twenties. Fighting age. It’s important to remember history. Those who don’t are doomed to repeat it. There are reminders of World War II everywhere.  

We drive to Ghent (Gent if you prefer) and it’s absolutely pissing it down. It rains the entire journey. It then rains while we’re trying to look around Gent. I got this photo from hiding underneath an umbrella. We take refuge in a nearby eatery, and I’ll be god damned if it’s not the best food I had all week. A beef stew with side salad and chips (with mayo on the side, of course). It’s also the only food I didn’t take a picture of so fuck me, I guess.  

We drive out to the Planet Group Arena and apparently you need to pre-book parking. I did not know this. After driving around for a while we risk it on a side road. Risking it resulted in an eighty Euro fine. Oops. It rains as we park up. It rains as we walk to the ground. It rains as we try and find our gate, walking the wrong way around the stadium. It rains as we walk back from the wrong direction. By the time we get in we are soaked. Anyway, FOOTBALL. Finally, you only had to wait 2,200 words until I got around to it. 

 

KAA GENT vs. SPORTING CHARLEROI (Jupiler Pro League)  

 

We finally enter the Planet Group Arena, also known by the non-sponsored name of the Ghelamco Arena, which is how it’s going on the spreadsheet. Home of KAA Gent. The mighty Buffalos. Why are they called the Buffalos? Why does their team logo have a Native American chief on it? Well, I’m glad you asked! The team adopted all this wild west bullshit after the visit of Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Circus to the city. Although North American sports teams have abandoned such iconography, the cultural appropriation continues in Belgium.  

Gent have never been a powerhouse of Belgian football and tend to waver between good spells and bad. They won their first Belgian title as recently as 2015 and have four Belgian cup wins, mostly recently in 2022. You could argue modern times have been the best for Gent who went to R16 in the Champion’s League in 2016, garnering group wins over Lyon and Valencia. They went to the QF’s of the Conference League in 2022-23 before being soundly thrashed by eventual winners West Ham.  

The ground is very modern, seats 20,000 and was opened in 2013. A new ground for a newly successful club. Despite a curved roof, the rain still flows into the seats. The concourse is really good. Aided by pleasing blue lighting. Which, if Amsterdam has taught me anything, it means the place is a haven for transgender prostitutes.  

Someone, somewhere, has made the decision to make the seats like this. Which means if someone wants to get down your row, standing up effectively does nothing as there’s still no space. I thought flip up seating was established as the best way to do this. I’m glad we got there early.  

Seating beef aside, it’s a good modern ground and it’s not Gent’s fault that it’s raining. It has a little character and it’s not just a soulless bowl. It was easy enough to get tickets the night before this game, but they came at a stinging 45 Euros. Fucking hell, lads. Still paying for the ground? I would describe our view as optimal though.  

A quick word on Charleroi. Their supporters were animals. I mean that in the most complimentary fashion. Absolute nutcases. Whipping shirts off, waving flags and trying to burn the stadium to the ground sending plumes of black smoke drifting across the pitch prior to kick off.  

It legitimately looks like the stadium is on fire. I like the reactions from the fans ranging from “uh oh” to total indifference.  

The game kicks off and Gent are all over Charleroi. It’s one way traffic. The wind is strong, the pitch is wet, and the keepers are struggling. Charleroi keeper Martin Delavalee has already had a couple of half clangers before he lets in a daisy cutter at his near post from Atsuki Ito. The Japanese winger is one of the better players on the field. Wikipedia tells me he’s a defensive midfielder but he was definitely playing a more attacking role today. 1-0 Gent. 21’ played.  

 

The game is running away from Charleroi, and a lack of finishing is the main difference between the two teams. Dohmi singles out Wilfried Kanga for abuse. The Ivorian forward frequently making bad decisions on positioning, passing, movement or shooting. He’s having a stinker. “He may be the worst player I’ve ever seen at a professional level”. Against the run of play defensive errors allow a Charleroi free kick and Patrick Pflucke curls it into the top hand corner. Unsavable free kick. One of the finest I’ve seen in person. 1-1. The Charleroi fans erupt, although they’ve been drowning out Gent’s fans most of the game. 

It’s half time and we head inside to get out of the rain for ten minutes. Gent Ultras over here! Dohmi tells me he had a great first half because he was sat next to a MILF in tight jeans. She doesn’t appear for the second half and he’s noticeably sad about it.  

The Gent fans do a phone light gimmick thing in the second half. It’s mostly just the Ultras and it doesn’t catch on but occasionally their chants spread out across the ground. It could get JUMPIN in here on a big European night. Gent make a change and bring on Hyllarion Goore. The tricky winger turns the game with his twisty runs. Omri Gandelman fires Gent back into the lead and it stays that way until the game’s conclusion. It should be three in stoppage time but Kanga fires over with only the keeper to beat. The groans around us sum it up. He’s dreadful. “Fucking Kanga!”  

 

FINAL SCORE: GENT 2 CHARLEROI 1 

 

And there we have it. The lowest scoring game I’ve ever watched with Dohmi. Our previous lowest had four goals. I don’t understand the phenomenon, just embrace it. Although, it should have been four if Wilfried Kanga got hit a barn door with a banjo, which he cannot. Let’s get some scores for Gent! 

 

ATMOSPHERE: 

Oh shit, it was banging. Both sets of fans had a bloody good go at it. Charleroi impressing with smaller numbers, but Gent’s home support was consistently loud for 80% of the match. **** 

 

COST: 

This is less good. 45 Euros is approaching Premier League prices. This was not a game of that high standard. ** 

 

QUALITY: 

A middling game ruined by poor finishing, poor decision making and a lack of cutting edge at both ends. **½  

 

EASE OF ACCESS: 

This is one of those ‘out of town’ locations. It is 4.6 kilometers from the centre of Gent to the stadium. An hour’s walk. It is only 12 minutes on public transport, but I have a feeling those buses would be packed on game days. **½  

 

MISC: 

I enjoyed the concourse and the use of branding around it. The blue ceiling and all the TVs so you don’t miss anything when popping out for food or drinks. There’s also table football tables scattered around. It feels like a fun place to be. *** 

 

OVERALL: 14 

A new build, out of town is never going to score highly. It is a good ground, and it’s fit for purpose. The seating is an issue that I can’t believe was allowed to happen. The main issue is how expensive it is. I was shocked to be paying that. It’s about a fiver more than I paid for Bristol City to give it comparison. Paris FC was 25 Euros. Milan was 36 Euros. Is this really a better experience than Milan? Fuck no.  

 

October 4, 2025 

 

If the descriptions of evenings drop off here it is simply beer related. Lots of beers. On Saturday Dohmi announced he was having a lie in, and we headed out early afternoon to a local fixture at Zeelandia Middelburg.  

We again risk parking on a street but this time it feels a bit safer. The club has a car park, which is enormous, but it also has a LOT of pitches. How many? SIX. Which meant when we arrived there was a game just finishing between the club’s womens team. I saw players trekking past the stand to head out onto various other fields and there were at least three games happening with the 3pm kick off. As a result, you could just move between fields and watch what you liked. I was tempted to just stroll off at one point and check out another game.  

 

VV ZEELANDIA MIDDELBURG vs. FC AXEL (Derde Klasse Zaterdag J) 

 

This is our home for the next 90 minutes. I don’t know what the league is but Axel are top after winning their first two games. Middelburg are also unbeaten. It’s a real six pointer!  

 

Middelburg start strong and the wind, which is very strong, is in their favour. After 6’ a corner is headed in by towering centre forward Niels Luteijn. He is a big lad, and his presence puts the defenders off. The keeper should have saved it as it was straight at him. 1-0. 12’ gone and it’s two as #20, who couldn’t hit crosses at all in the warm up, whips one in and Luteijn has his second. 2-0. Up the ‘Burg!  

 

Then the madness of minutes 27-30. The game turned into absolute carnage. Due to strong winds, Middelburg had started doing short corners from the far side, into the wind. One of these is flicked on and Luteijn has his hat trick. 21-minute hatty, fair fucking play. Two minutes later, the ball is pinballing around the edge of the box and Dennis Kovacevic, a #10, curls the ball past the keeper. We kick off as Dohmi says “this could get ugly”. A goal mouth scramble later and Amidu Tanko slides in to force the ball home. He does a DOUBLE CELE with a rolly polly followed by an airplane. I’ve never seen anyone happier to make the score 5-0. Which it is. Four minutes of madness, three goals conceded for Axel. Game effectively over. 

 

38’ played and midfielder Nurai Mual picks the ball up on the left wing and crosses. The ball nestles in the far corner of the net. I thought Luteijn had gotten a fourth, but he points at Mual. He never touched it. 6-0. On the break a minute before half time Axel get one back. Wouter Verbraeken with a tidy finish after being one-on-one. 6-1. I tell Dohmi my highest scoring game ever is nine goals. We could be on for a record.  

The second half however is a turgid affair. Axel park the bus, determined to not concede any more goals. Middelburg are content to play it out at 6-1 and nothing happens. Sad, really, as the first half had been gangbusters. 

 

FINAL SCORE: MIDDELBURG 6 AXEL 1  

 

ATMOSPHERE: 

Some heated debate about free kicks among the fans of both sides who were all around us. Not segregated. The one old fella in front of me steadfastly refusing to back down when a visiting fan screamed for handball and it blatantly hit the defender in the face. ** 

 

COST: 

Gratis! It’s a freebie baby, the best price there is. ***** 

 

QUALITY: 

While the match fell off a cliff in the second half and barely qualified as entertainment, the first half I was very sports entertained. It was good game before it started raining goals. ***½ 

 

EASE OF ACCESS: 

2.8 kilometers from the centre of Middelburg but plenty of places to park or put your bike away. An easy enough walk too. *** 

 

MISC: 

They had a club room, and the sheer number of pitches and games means you could probably hang out here for half a day and see some serious amounts of football. There were games going on when we got there and when we left! *** 

 

OVERALL: 16.5 

I had a fun time!  

 

Post match we head into Middelburg for a stroll around and some food.  

Middelburg is a delightful little town with great architecture. And, of course, canals. Everywhere in the Netherlands seems to be a delight, frankly. Everything is clean and tidy, and everything works. The Dutch are a strange people, in many ways, while being extremely tolerant they also don’t move out of the way. They’re not polite and several people were downright miserable. It was a rarity when someone smiled at me. Maybe they were also tourists?  

 

October 5, 2025. 

 

Last day in the Netherlands and Dohmi drops me off in Haarlem so I can experience another new location. It’s a little sad to be on my own for the final day but this also allows me to wallow in my own crapulence and go for a big old walk.  

Haarlem, by the way, is a delight. Great architecture. Most of it is pedestrianised in the middle. Just a lovely last place to explore before heading home.  

The one thing I don’t like about the Netherlands is their obsession with modern art. It’s everywhere and it’s almost routinely awful. With the exception of these lads. Random sculptures appear everywhere, in front of buildings, down coastlines, in the countryside. Just everywhere. I have one of a penis to show you, so keep reading.  

 

One of my favourite things to do is to walk something that everyone else would take public transport for. Or drive. You never know what you’re going to see. So, behold, as I walk out of Haarlem and head towards my hotel at Schiphol.  

Now only going where joggers go. Tiny little roads that don’t have actual traffic because cars aren’t allowed on them. This is literal bike path. With road markings for motorbikes only. The anti-car vibes I get from the Netherlands are actually pretty refreshing. It’s not like you can’t drive around in Holland but they make it so everyone can have their own space and enjoy it.  

This wouldn’t be a guide to the Netherlands without an obligatory picture of a windmill. They’re everywhere here and I finally understand why. The country is so flat that the wind you get at the seaside everywhere else crosses the entire country. It is the windiest country I have encountered on my travels.  

So, I walked into an entirely different town called Vijfhuizen. The bridge has slagbomen but sadly they’re not labelled as such. Like every place I visited, Vijfhuizen has this weird Dutch thing of living your curtains open. Everyone does it. You can just see into people’s houses. This was especially weird in Amsterdam. 

After walking through Vijfhuizen, I found this modern art gallery in the countryside and outside it, in a pond, was this rotating penis. The art gallery looks like an old bunker. This is my Netherlands.  

To my astonishment I even found a hill on my travels. This is called “Big Spotting Hill” because you can see for miles off the top. Naturally…I had to climb it.  

Normal to practically every other country in the world but a rarity enough in the Netherlands to be a tourist attraction; a hill. Man made, obviously. The country is the flattest on the planet.  

The walk continues along a canal, and I encounter some heron. I did get pictures but they’re not high enough quality to post. This is close enough to Schiphol that you can see the planes coming in to land. I end up walking into Hoofddorp and discovering that, to my horror, I’m at the wrong hotel. The Bastion Hotel is a chain, and they have one in Hoofddorp and one out by Schiphol. It’s an hour away. My feet hurt. I consider an Uber but fuck it, I walk on and get into my hotel in late afternoon. Shattered. Exploration and adventure complete.  

 

October 6, 2025 

 

My hotel has a free airport shuttle but when I ask when it runs the answer is 5am. So, I set an alarm for 4am and just bloody well walk the hour to the airport. Powered by a can of Monster and the sight of wild rabbits running around the area outside the airport. There were loads of little bunnies! Who needs to go to Namibia on safari when you can see such wildlife in their natural element? The car park of a Sheraton.  

 

My flight is at 7:20AM and I’m home and trying to write this…without falling asleep…by 9:30AM. I failed. It’s the day after. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this journey through the low countries. I had a great time. I enjoy football, beer and walking and I got to do all three.