WCW Halloween Havoc 1991 (10.27.91) 

 

October 27, 1991 

 

You have no idea how close I was to just ending this project for good when I saw the fucking run of shows I had to sit through towards the end of 1991. After this we have Survivor Series, This Tuesday in Texas and Starrcade: BATTLEBOWL THE LETHAL LOTTERY. The second half of 1991 is downright turgid pro wrestling in the mainstream. I have a few tricks up my sleeve but that’s providing they play out as planned. Anyway, we’re back! The last show I reviewed was three months ago but since then the World Cup and work got in the way. It’s been tough out here brothers (and sisters). Let’s load up the old TAPE MACHINES and see what’s what, what?  

 

We’re in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Hosts are Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone and oh dear lord, this is the god damn Chamber of Horrors show isn’t it? There are times where you’ll wonder who was booking WCW in 1991. Was it Dusty Rhodes? Was it Jim Herd? Was it a trained chimpanzee? Who can say? There are eleven matches on this card. ELEVEN.  

 

This isn’t available anywhere, presumably because no one wants to watch it, but RUSSIANS have uploaded it on their websites. No one loves piracy more than the Russians. God bless them. Maybe Somalians. Johnny Depp?  

 

We get some interviews with guys arriving, which is all to set up Barry Windham getting attacked getting out of his car. Arn Anderson and Larry “The Cruncher” Zbyzsko slamming his arm in the door.  

 

CHAMBER OF HORRORS  

This match is only won by DEATH IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR. They state that pulling the lever will “incapacitate” the loser. Incapacitate them STRAIGHT TO HELL, BROTHER. The faces here are Sting, Steiners and El Gigante. Heels are Vader, Cactus, Abby and the Diamond Studd. Scott Hall does feel like the odd man out there. Cactus brings a chainsaw with him, for reasons. Rick ends up with it and can’t get it started. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 

 

There’s REFCAM here, which is great only the referee spends a while staring at Scott Steiner’s butt. They use this in football now. It’s brilliant. Shocked it didn’t get brought back. I guess it was a) expensive or b) didn’t work properly. Years ahead of their time here, WCW. “This is like a battle royal concept, but we don’t have pins or submissions” says Jim. Um.  

 

THE CHAIR OF TORTURE ARRIVES, complete with WHIRRING ELECTRIC NOISES. “The chair of torture, as it’s being called” – Jim. Many people are saying this. Mick, bless him, busts himself wide open after Sting launches a coffin lid at him. This match…this company doesn’t deserve you, sir. The cage being parked bang in the middle of the ring means no one can actually wrestle in this. It’s all just walk and brawl and there’s no space for that even.  

Comms remind me this is Scott’s first match since Dick Slater and Dick Murdoch dicked up his arm in June. What a way to bring him back! The heels seem desperate to electricute Rick Steiner to death. I can only assume they caught wind of his transphobia and decided he had to go. Fair. Cactus accidentally electricutes Abby because he doesn’t turn around, for like a minute, when Rick is in the chair. Wow. Fucking smashed it here, Big Dust. -*. 

 

The crowd seem happy that Abdullah the Butcher is dead though. So that’s nice for them. This was laughable and horribly executed. I can’t understand how anyone thought this would be a good idea. At least bring the chair down later in the match to give them a chance to do some work first.  

 

The Creatures vs. Big Josh & PN News 

The jobber team is just two guys in green masks. “Weight unknown” because there are no scales in Parts Unknown. It’s Johnny Rich and “Jumpin” Joey Maggs. PN News botches his rap. BO YABY BO YABY BO! It’s two words mate. JR glazes Big Josh for his improvement because he sucks less now. Compared to PN News, he looks great to be fair. It’s a shame he has that stupid vertical splash as a finisher. Joey Maggs takes a couple of decent bumps for him, but this is just a long squash. ¾* 

 

Bobby Eaton vs. Terrance Taylor 

This is pleasingly paced with some high impact business. Eaton is the better worker, by a distance, but Taylor can hang. He does telegraph too much though and his bumping is off. Taylor would never have a great match but could be carried to something passable. It got me wondering what his highest ranked match is on Cagematch and it’s that Flair one where he got carried by a hungover Ric to 40 minutes and Terry was gassed. This is actually his third highest ranked singles match, ever!  

 

While most of this match gives me “Bobby Eaton is really good” vibes, there’s a background whisper that’s saying “ah, but I do prefer him in tags actually”. WCW are hearing that one. I’m sure there’s an alternate universe somewhere where Eaton was The Guy in WCW in the 90s. Trouble is, you can’t cut it in American wrestling without the promos, brother. Alabama Jam finishes after 15 minutes of solid action. This was Actually Good. *** 

 

There were definitely elements of Eaton carrying the workload here but Taylor, as he can do, kept up 85% of the time. With Flair gone, there’s an argument to be made that Eaton is in the top three workers in the promotion (with maybe Austin and Pillman? Windham?) 

 

Jimmy Jam Garvin vs. Johnny B Badd 

Garvin is the god damn babyface here and the Freebirds do the Tomahawk chop to support the Braves. A few fans suddenly realising they’re missing Game 7 of the World Series to watch THIS SHIT! Anyway, the Twins won, these fans didn’t miss much. I just can’t imagine choosing wrestling over a sporting event you care about. I had tickets to Progress in Birmingham when it clashed with the World Cup final and I ducked out because I wanted to watch the World Cup final. Imagine watching Johnny B. Badd vs Jimmy Garvin while Jack Morris is pitching a 10-inning no hitter in game 7? 

 

Freebirds are an ok act. Someone in the office clearly digs their work or they wouldn’t be on every single show. Mero is a decent worker in the making. He occasionally attempts something that makes me wince. Like a diving sunset flip where he lands on his neck. The poor lamb has been billed as a fruity former boxer, and he just wants to FLY BABY. Don’t clip those wings, brother. Johnny seems to forget spots as well, which is interesting. Inexperience showing in the odd moment. It’s easy to forget he’s in his rookie year. Garvin drills him with a DDT but while the Freebirds jump around celebrating a non-existent win Badd smacks Garvin with THE KISS THAT DON’T MISS! Garvin even gets his foot on the rope during that. Jimmy Garvin, my brother in christ, just take the fucking job man. * 

 

WCW TV Championship 

Steve Austin (c) vs. Dustin Rhodes 

“let’s thee how shtunnin shteve works out with sweet little Dustin daddy” – Dusty Rhodes, probably. Pervert production gets a close up on Lady Blossom’s, uh, blossoms getting a reaction from Tony Schiavone. Jim Ross claims Austin is a round one draft pick. Which is a sport analogy I support. Get one for the future. Austin’s approach here is to bump around like a nutter, making everything Dustin does look incredible. If you’re a young wrestler, and you get stuck in someone you think isn’t as good as you, there are ways and means of making yourself and him look good.  

 

The only bad thing about this match is it’s for the TV belt, so we’ve got that 15:00 time limit and announcing it at 5:00, while they’re in a headlock, is telegraphing the finish. It slows down in the middle, but Dustin does blade to make things interesting. Dustin angers me here by trying to count his own pins. Just stop that. Maybe it’s the blood loss. Austin gets colour too. BLOOD AND GUTS PRO WRESTLING. Tony gets on dipshit Dustin for slamming on the mat instead of hooking the leg. Tell him! They work in a near fall during the time limit expiring but Pee Wee fucks it up by doing a dramatic “NOOOOO, HE KICKED OUT” hand gesture. Could have planted his hand on the mat and the bell would have rung beforehand. Ahhh. So close. I was going ***¾ on this because it’s dead fucking good but a few irritations take it down to ***½. Apart from whiffing horribly on a few clotheslines and not knowing when to keep the urgency high Austin was gold here. 

 

Oz vs. Bill Kazmaier 

Fuck me, what a contrast this is to the last match. JR calls these two rookies. Kazmaier retired in 1992. While being very strong Kaz didn’t have the required charisma or skill to be a pro-wrestler. This is bowling shoe ugly. Ross clearly signed one of them because he doesn’t say anything. Nash’s selling and bumping in this is dogshit. Torture Rack finishes. -* 

 

Van Hammer vs. Doug Somers 

Former AWA guy Doug Somers is out here to job for Heavy Metal Van Hammer. “What sorts the bad wrestlers from the good ones is confidence” – Tony. Oh. I think it’s actually abilty Tone. Van Hammer may have confidence, but he does not have ability. Dogshit ugly slingshot suplex finishes and it’s so badly done that Somers kicks out of it by way of protest. Yeah, that’s negative stars again lads. -*½ 

 

WCW Light Heavyweight Championship 

Richard Morton vs. Brian Pillman 

The trouble with calling anything “light” is it immediately makes it sound inferior. Light Heavyweight. So, not as good as heavyweight. Light beer. So, not as good as beer. The only exceptions are Light my Fire by the Doors and Lightsabres. When WCW called it “Cruiserweight” instead it got over better. The point of this title is that it’s fast paced and fun. No one has told Ricky Morton. Nick Patrick is all “I put on the refer-EYE camera helmet for this shit?”  

 

The match is so pointless I consider going to bed. I’d rather sleep than watch this. And these two lads are great pro-wrestlers. Wonderful performers. Pillman wins with a high cross, which we can’t see because we’re on ref-cam and Patrick’s head is pointed at the mat. I am sleepy. * 

 

Z-Man vs. Halloween Phantom 

Poor Tom Zenk has been sent to die here. The Phantom is a phenomenal Phantom of the Opera style gimmick, designed to hide the identity of someone they’ve signed. The funny part is that no one is excited about it because WCW has such a history of fucking stuff like this up. Rude Awakening puts Zenk away. Let’s see, two clues as to his identity. Has a moustache. Uses a neckbreaker as a finisher. Hmm. Who could it be?  

Tony points out that move is called the Rude Awakening. Uh huh. We’re getting there. 

 

WCW World Tag Team Championship 

Enforcers (Arn Anderson & Larry Zbyzsko) (c) vs. The Patriots  

The Young Pistols cut an angry promo earlier suggesting they should be in this match. I mean, who are you to say you’re better than Firebreaker Chip? This is a prime example of how having babyface fire is key in getting over and putting together a good match. The Patriots have none of that, so this match sucks. It doesn’t matter how good the other team is if you’re Todd fucking Champion. No one cares, brother. When JR calls Firebreaker Chip “Chip the Firebreaker” it shows you how little anyone cares about this team. I’m watching a finished team here. They’re done. Stick a fork in them. Arn finishes Chip with a spinebuster. The crowd CHEER so that’ll tell you what a popular duo the Patriots were. ½*. Bizarre that the Young Pistols didn’t appear at any point after their earlier ranting and raving. The US tag belts (which the Patriots have) would switch to the Pistols on Main Event the following month.  

 

Promo Time: Paul E Dangerously/WCW Halloween Phantom

Eric Bischoff, dressed as a vampire, brings out Paul E Dangerously for an interview. Oh, baby. Normally, this would be some damp squib bullshit that didn’t mean anything. NOT TONIGHT LADIES. Paul rants about being thrown off hosting duties because he’s too outspoken so now, this is happening. He tells he’s going to “take away our heroes” and how’s he going to do that? Step one: hire Madusa. Step two: get someone to take out Sting. “That man is here in the building tonight”. So, out comes the Halloween Phantom again and Paul pulls the mask off; IT’S (OBVIOUSLY) RICK RUDE.  

This is step one towards the formation of the Dangerous Alliance, a fantastic stable designed to take over the promotion with Heyman as the voice piece. It worked so well that WCW got upset and disbanded it. How dare something get over that’s not Jim Herd’s idea! This fucking company. The amount of times they fluke into these wins and immediately drop the ball. Heyman ended up quitting and never going back. The rest is history. He’s still working at the highest level.  

 

Jim Herd’s time as WCW’s head honcho is coming to an end. He’d be replaced in January by Bill Watts. Which leads to a) a fantastic year of pro wrestling and b) not great business. Essentially Watts wanted a throwback promotion that wasn’t trying to be WWF. Which I loved but a lot of others did not. People who like money specfically. However, Bill also liked a bit of throwback in terms of segregation, and his borderline racist rhetoric is what got him removed from power.  

 

We get VT of Simmons going back to Florida State to get inspiration for his title shot. You can’t fault WCW here for at least trying to make Ron feel like a big deal.  

 

Two Out of Three Falls 

WCW World Championship 

Lex Luger (c) vs. Ron Simmons  

Ron’s “manager” tonight is Dusty Rhodes because of course it is. Big Dust making sure he gets on the PPV. Just put yourself on comms mate. Lex has Harley Race and Curtis “Mr” Hughes in his corner. Ross has to resort to talking about college football because this is so fucking dull. I don’t know what the plan was here but it’s very sluggish. It takes Ron about five minutes to actually pop the crowd. Then powerslam/spinebuster and it’s 1-0. Holy shit. What a bizarre opening fall. Five minutes of nothing, two moves and the world champ jobs and looks like a total chump.  

 

The second fall is loaded with fatigue selling. A lot of it. Are they trying to con us into thinking this is an epic because we already had one fall? They do a horrible finish for the second fall. They fuck up the setup for it. With Luger waiting for Harley and Dusty going to get in the way. Luger then tries to crossbody Simmons to the floor, Race hangs on to Ron, and they call it a DQ for over the top on Lex. What? Jesus Christ. This fucking promotion. Anyway, 1-1, finally we hit the relevant fall. 

 

At least the final fall feels a bit peppier. Ron has been vaguely working the back all match and hits some impact moves on it. The finish, which feels a bit out of nowhere, is the Attitude Adjustment (it’s a shitty piledriver, done onto Lex’s leg) and Lex retains. Huh. This was very bad. I’m not sure I can even articulate why. It was lacking in energy. It was lacking in execution. It had bad ideas. The two out of three falls did nothing. Both guys managed to look like chumps by taking clean pinfall loses here. Not at all good. *½  

 

The 411: 

A couple of good matches here. Eaton-Taylor is decent. Austin-Rhodes is really good and genuinely worth checking out if you’ve not seen much Austin pre-WWF days. The rest of this show is fucking terrible though. Three matches in negative stars. Pushes for Van Hammer and Bill Kazmaier. The stupid Chamber of Horrors match. The only dumb Dusty booking finish is the middle fall of the main event but even that feels like an easy one to not fuck up that badly. Second half of 1991 is abject for WCW. Just dogshit. Amazingly, in June, I had them top five for promotion of the year. They might still be there but also top five for worst promotion.