Adventures in Football #108: MKM Stadium (Hull City FC) 

 

August 14, 2024 

 

HULL CITY vs. SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY (Carabao Cup R1) 

 

The day after Grimsby vs. Bradford City and I wake up in my hotel room in Grimsby and look up the route from Grimsby to Hull. Should be a piece of cake, right? There’s only a river in between them. Only, it’s not a river that has a train bridge running over it. Huh. Trainline doesn’t understand my desire to go from Grimsby to Hull. It just refuses to. I can go to Barton-upon-Humber and then bus? Taxi? Uber?  

 

A plan formulates to go there and then Uber across into Hull, over the Humber Bridge. About £7 train from Grimsby and then around a bluey on the Uber with my little discount rate. Then I start looking at the Humber Bridge and, gentle reader, I hate large expanses of water. Specifically, I hate crossing large expanses of water. Like, how bad can it be though?  

Fuck. 

 

Ok, plan B is active! Plan B is following the train line until I find another route. The train line goes down to Doncaster and then you can go back up to Hull. It takes at least an hour longer than the previous route but doesn’t involve scaring the shit out of me. I check out immediately and head to the station, which is next door, so it is easy. Off we go! I get to Doncaster and start looking around for the train to Hull. Doncaster’s chaotic station has a platform 0.  

It’s up a flight of stairs, down a long corridor and miles away from the rest of the station. On getting there, there’s a train to Scunny, which isn’t going anywhere. They have no ramp to board a lady in a mobility scooter. How do you not have a ramp? So, the train sits there until someone important comes along to tell her they don’t have a ramp, so she can’t get on the train. They take her out to the taxis. How’s she going to get in a fucking taxi? Disgraceful from Doncaster.  

So, we board (without the lady on the scooter) and the train is a rickety old relic. Going to this part of the country is like going backwards in time. Congratulations, you’ve re-covered the seats on this piece of shit. I’m pretty sure the outside is a re-sprayed Midlands train from the 1980s.  

I get a good first impression from Hull though. The train station reminds me of London Marylebone. Which is one of my favourite train stations. Yes, I have favourites. They’re all old and run on weird lines. My guide for today is Nathan (@NathanKenMajor on Twitter). He answered my Humberside SOS and agreed to go to the game. Even though he’s legally blind and won’t be able to see the action. Massive shout out to him for not only agreeing to the game but also giving me a guided tour of the city beforehand.  

This beauty is Hull City Hall. You’ll have to excuse the fencing, quite a lot of Hull was being dug up while I was there. Seeing this, a few minutes after getting off the train, gives me a nice positive opinion of Hull in general. It feels very familiar as a place, like a bunch of places I’ve been to before tacked together. It gives me vibes of Glasgow, Oxford, Nottingham and Brighton during my time walking around.  

Not only that, but Nathan also took me to this lovely old boozer where Theakston’s is £3 a pint. This is a pub where they met about the gunpowder plot. There’s a plaque just off the shot to the left that details it. Ye Olde White Harte is one of those places hidden down an alleyway. Beautiful oak panels, a haunted skull, a perfect pint of ale and a “plotting parlour”. What more could you ask for? If someone asked me “what’s your perfect pub?” this is damn near it. They even played some Aerosmith while I was there. 

The tour continued with “England’s smallest window”. It’s the crack on the right there. The idea was that they had a guy sit there watching out for approaching punters to the inn. Did it need to be that small? I don’t think it did. Would it have ruined the aesthetic if it was a door? But then it wouldn’t have a plaque. More beer followed and this. 

It’s a bird corpse. On rusty iron. The story is that a Captain Tulip tried to nurse a seagull back to health only for his boatswain to kill it. Second mate Len “Pongo” Rood immortalised the dead “bod” by painting it on the side of a shed. When the shed was removed, the artwork was placed in a gallery on Humber Street. It’s an iconic figure for Hull and appears on t-shirts and even vodka. So, now you know about the Dead Bod.  

While Hull has clearly seen a huge investment and is in much better condition than Grimsby, it still has moments where you can see where the renovation has stopped. This pier for example. Unlike Grimsby, I believe it won’t be long before this is sorted out too. Hull has embraced modern life and is a vibrant, colourful, exciting city. A marked contrast to the neighbour’s across the Humber. Thanks again to Nathan for the tour. I would not have seen such sights as a dead bird painted on corrugated iron without you!  

With the tour over I went and checked into my hotel, which is the Whittington and Cat (excellent little place above a pub). We sank a few more pints on route to the ground, including a few more milds. It’s great that mild is so prevalent around here. It feels like it’s dying a death in the Midlands, where it should be flourishing. Still alive here. Beautiful. What’s less beautiful is this monstrosity. A big circle. Like a polo with an upside U sticking out of it.  

I have nothing against new stadiums. Some of my best friends are new stadia but they must have some personality. It must have something about it. Hull City’s isn’t even in their colours, it’s in the colours of the rugby club they groundshare with. Make no mistake about it, Hull is a rugby city. One of the more prominent in the country. So, that shouldn’t be a shock but I’m not rating grounds based on the rugby team they ground share with.  

I’m concerned by the enormously pointless technical area. It’s so big! Why is it so big? And yet the seats are so small. It also has the soulless bowl concept that I’ve seen other grounds (Emirates, Brentford, MK) get bashed for, but this is far worse than any of those. The size of it is right for the club but other than that, it feels like they dropped the ball when they built it.  

Roary and Amber are the club’s mascots and seem a lively duo. Tigers are just big cats and cats are cute. It’s a no-brainer with the club being nicknamed the Tigers. I was hoping for the “mauled by the Tigers” chant but didn’t get one as Sheffield Wednesday scored after 27 seconds and were never behind. In fairness to the crowd, they were lively and helped provide some much-needed atmosphere in the bowl. The visiting fans did their bit too and were exceptionally loud.  

Before we kicked off the fans sang “Can’t help falling in love” and Wednesday responded with “Hi-Ho Silver Lining” without any musical provocation. Fans singing, for me, is the peak of crowd support. It hits me bang in the feels. As I just mentioned, Wednesday took an early lead when Ryan Giles gave the ball away at left back. It was cut back to Charlie McNeill, and he tucked it away. 0-1.  

 

McNeill is a former Man United youth player who didn’t make the grade, and this is his new club. He’s off to a flier. Hull struggle for a few minutes but battle back and a ball over the top allows German new recruit Marvin Mehlem to curl the ball past Pierce Charles in the Wednesday goal. 1-1. 8 minutes played. 

 

The early drama isn’t over though as another new signing; Hull keeper Anthony Racioppi (signed from Young Boys) dithers on the ball, McNeill takes it off him and rolls it into an empty net. 1-2. 12 minutes played.  

Another giveaway, this time by Wednesday, on the edge of the box results in Hull levelling it up at 2-2 but sadly there’s an offside and the rampant scoring just stops. My remaining amusement is in watching Hull gaffer Tim Walter wildly gesticulating at players, the referee, anyone who’ll listen for the remainder of the game. The 48-year-old is great value for money. “Is he as bad as Mourinho?” asks Nathan, who sadly can’t see far enough to judge the antics. Oh, oh, yes.  

 

The first half is a wonderful time at the football but the second isn’t. Hull dominates possession but can’t get anything done. Wednesday manage one shot in the entire 45:00 and it finishes 1-2. All over after 12:00 tonight! There wasn’t a single shot on target in the second half for either team. It’s not a bad game of football though and the atmosphere remains excellent throughout. As usual, Wednesday are deafening at times. When that club gets going, the fans are something to behold.  

 

With the game over we retreat towards the bus/train station, where Nathan has to catch a bus back to his place. I thank him for his time, and it’s genuinely been a smashing day out in Hull. Beers, sights, more beers, a bit of food, art, football. What more could you want? What I love most about social media is stuff like this. I’ve never knowingly met Nathan before, although we were at the same shows circa 2016-2019, but we ended up nattering for an entire day like long lost pals. Hull would have been a more lifeless experience without him there to guide me. I would probably have just gone to watch Deadpool & Wolverine.  

 

I had a big day the next day (today, as I write this) and had to get up eye-wateringly early so it was straight back to the hotel and to sleep. Hull had left a mark on me though. I had no idea what to expect. I knew nothing about the place and yet, it all felt familiar, and everyone was so friendly. I felt like a long-lost friend of the entire city.  

On my way to the station in the morning, I basked in the city. Getting to go on trips like this are a profound education. On doing the “92” I get to go to places I’d never consider normally. I’ve lived in England my whole life and never been to Grimsby or Hull before this week. You never know what a place is like until you go there and explore it. I would encourage everyone to go places. Don’t just get to know your neighbours, get to know your planet.  

 

Right, let’s slap some ratings down.  

 

ATMOSPHERE: 

It was really good. I think generally the standard in the championship, or higher, needs to be better than the lower leagues. I think the atmosphere in the lower leagues is a bonus but in the top divisions it’s a must. Boosted by the visitors, singing loudly. ***½ 

 

COST: 

I believe it was £18 for a normal ticket and Nathan got concession rates because he can’t see the pitch and has to get by on vibes. To be fair to Hull, they gave us both reduced rates with me as his assistant. The stewards were excellent too, guiding us to a special entrance so we didn’t have to negotiate the potential buggeration of turnstiles. **** 

 

QUALITY:  

It was half an excellent game. If the ridiculousness of the opening 15:00 had permeated the entire game, this would be five stars and potentially the best game I’d ever seen. However, it trailed off badly in the second half. The flow was still good, but the goal mouth action dropped off. ***½ 

 

EASE OF ACCESS: 

Only 1.2 miles from Hull Paragon Exchange, where you can get buses and trains in the same building. The bus takes half the time if you’re too lazy to walk a mile. There are a lot of parking spaces at the ground and at the official car park on Walton Street, which houses over 1000 cars. Given the mass of people heading out of the ground towards the train station, I suspect the drivers were in the minority. Speaking of exits, the routes from the ground are way too small. Everyone is squeezed into a bottle neck and that’s a major design flaw. One of several. *** 

 

MISC: 

It’s a big old bowl and is 22 years old. It already looked dated. The seats aren’t big enough. There’s too much runoff around the pitch, which hurts the atmosphere. The acoustics are excellent though. The accessibility issues seem to stem from a lack of planning outside the ground, rather than inside. It’s odd that such a new stadium would have such bad toilets. Who builds a stadium like this and just chucks in big metal urinal troughs into the gents? * 

 

OVERALL: 15  

I’ve been to a lot of grounds and modern bowl stadia feel like they’re going to age badly. This one already has. It could have been fixed in the planning stages with more sensible approaches outside the ground, better facilities inside it and just putting some bloody orange in the seats or anywhere, really.  

 

My immediate thought, on sitting down inside, was to compare it to MK Dons stadium. Because it’s the same colour. Only MK Dons stadium is better than this. You can see the pitch from the concession areas and it’s modern and well designed. It’s still a soulless bowl with a crap football team in it, but at least some thought went into it.  

 

I’m actually a little shocked this score came out so high. Mainly because Grimsby got 12.5 and Grimsby is a proper old stadium, and this is just shite. Maybe it’s time to add the missing sixth column; history/traditionalism.  

 

Let me know, gang. Is it time to admit that modern grounds are rubbish?