Arn Does Euro 2024: FINAL + RANKINGS 

 

Hello, and I’d just like to point out that the final happened exactly how I said it would (bar a few goals) and therefore I am not upset about it. Not like I was against Italy 2021, which is the tournament England should have won. Not this one. This one was for Spain, who were exemplary throughout.  

 

SPAIN 2 ENGLAND 1 

I’ll happily put my hands up here and say “Spain were the better team”. By some distance too. It was not close. Another wonder goal, this time from Cole Palmer, merely papered over the cracks. Spain controlled the game from start to finish and the little flourish from England when they scored was a mere blip in an otherwise excellent Spanish team performance. They’ve been the best team all tournament and deserved to win it. Fair play Spain. Thumbs up.  

 

THE DREADED ENGLAND PLAYER RATINGS 

 

Jordan Pickford: Another horror show from Pickford. He was the only keeper in the entire tournament who continually punted it long without any purpose. And he did that without anyone to aim at. If a player literally gives the ball away 90% of the time he has it, that’s a massive detriment to the way you play. He made a couple of decent saves but nothing good enough to overlook how bad his distribution was and has been all tournament. * 

 

Kyle Walker: Exposed twice. Arguably at fault for both goals. Didn’t close down Cucurella and should have thrown in a block tackle to stop the cross for 2-1 and had no idea where Nico Williams was on the first goal. *½ 

 

John Stones: Did ok. Made the odd forage into midfield. **½  

 

Marc Guehi: One of England’s best players in this tournament. Didn’t have a great game in the final but the match was lost in front of him not by him. **½ 

 

Luke Shaw: We’ve been so desperate for the return of Shaw, we kinda forgot that he’s not fit. At all. Asking him to play the final of a major tournament against a team that’s full of running saw him exposed after making some decent early challenges on Yamal. ** 

 

Bukayo Saka: Didn’t track back. Didn’t offer anything going forwards. *½ 

 

Kobbie Mainoo: Looked out of his depth. Again, he’s been one of England’s better players during the tournament, but it wasn’t a surprise when he was subbed off. ** 

 

Declan Rice: Awful. * 

 

Phil Foden: Didn’t do much of anything. Even his set pieces were poor. *½ 

 

Jude Bellingham: The one England player who looked like contributing to attacks. Ran at defenders and made things happen. Can’t be held accountable for how bad everyone else was. ***½ 

 

Harry Kane: Anonymous. Borderline lazy. Deserved to be replaced. * 

 

Subs: 

Ollie Watkins: No miracle this time but England didn’t play any balls over the top after he came on. ** 

 

Cole Palmer: I’m giving him points just for scoring a banger. He did look to contribute going forwards though and arguably should have started. ***½ 

 

Ivan Toney: I forgot he came on. Got a couple of minutes.  

 

This all adds up in my spreadsheet to the (dreaded) England player ratings for the tournament.  

 

 

As you can see Bellingham comes out on top, just ahead Marc Guehi and Cole Palmer on 6. After that we’ve got Johnny Bones, Mainoo and then Saka. Watkins just about gets a rating over 50% and everyone else was shit.  

 

Special mentions for the worst performers: Trippier (although that entirely Southgate’s fault), Gallagher (a water carrier) and Alexander-Arnold (arguably Southgate’s fault too). The most staggering L’s fall to Harry Kane, who was almost anonymous this whole tournament, and Declan Rice, who was terrible.  

 

There’s also a huge ongoing concern about English goalkeeping and how behind the rest of the world the training is. Sure, some of these sweeper keepers fuck up and it leads to a goal but most of them can actually pass the ball and not just smash it aimlessly downfield.  

 

I was going to toss out a “Team of the Tournament”, but it’d probably just be Spain’s starting XI. Every one of them was excellent. Even Alvaro Morata. I’m struggling to think of a player from another squad who really deserved to dislodge anyone.  

 

RANKING EVERYONE 

 

How did everyone do in Euro 2024? Well, it was a real mixed bag boys and girls. Sometimes maybe good, sometimes maybe shit. Some teams failed horribly, some succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. Here’s the 411 via a tier list. 

 

F TIER 

The dirt worst. The total, abject failures. The worst teams of Euro 2024.  

 

Serbia 

Boy were Serbia shite. They scored one goal, in stoppage time, to prevent a nailed on loss to Slovenia. Keeping in mind Slovenia were the rank outsiders in this tournament. Serbia had nothing going forwards, which is shocking considering their best three players are all strikers. Best Player: Pavlovic. Worst Player: Vlahovic. 

 

Croatia 

Croatia looked finished as a nation in this tournament. They had no legs. Any time a team tried to break on them you had three central midfield players who just couldn’t run anymore. Plus they let that shite Italy team score against them in stoppage time. Miserable tournament from a once great nation. BP: Modric. WP: Kovacic  

 

Poland 

With apologies to Tobi. Poland weren’t as bad as Croatia or Serbia. It feels like I’m doing them dirty by putting them in the same tier. But they were crap, so they’re here. They came up against sluggish performances from big nations in Netherlands and France but didn’t have enough quality to beat either team. And they got de-pantsed in spectacular fashion by Austria. BP: Zielinski. WP: Kiwior  

 

Czechia 

When compiling this list, I was like “hang on, were Czechia at these Euros?” Such was the lack of impact they made. Sunk by an underperforming Portugal. Tied up by battling minnows Georgia. Finally, failing to overcome a bad early red card against Turkey. In a game where Cenk Tosun scored. Cenk. Tosun. That’s enough to put you in F Tier alone, lads. BP: Soucek. WP: Schick 

 

C TIER 

The ‘meh’ teams of Euro 2024. And Italy, who were SHIT, but they did get out of the group so they eeked into this tier. 

 

Italy 

I’ve ranked Italy 20 out of 24 teams in this tournament. They were fucking awful. Bastoni, Donnarumma and Calafiori aside, every one of them should be ashamed of how this played out. Italy defended reasonably but got outclassed in every other department. They scored a late banger to scrape level with Croatia and as soon as they played anyone half good (Switzerland) they got hammered. A national embarrassment from the defending champions. BP: Bastoni. WP: Scamacca 

 

Hungary 

Hey, you beat Scotland, well done. Only needed the entire Scottish team to be caught up the field at a last minute corner. *Slow clap*. Lost their other two games and didn’t look to be a threat in either of them. Hungary were one of the most disappointing teams in the tournament. Where was all the ‘rah-rah’ spirit from the last Euros or the Nation’s League? BP: Szoboszlai. WP: Styles  

 

Denmark 

Denmark weren’t terrible but they had no goal threat at all. So, everything from the keeper to the creative midfielder (Eriksen) worked fine but there was no end product. They managed three boring group draws, including Slovenia, before being brushed aside by Germany. Again, they weren’t horrible but they won’t be happy with how they played. BP: Eriksen. WP: Hojlund  

 

Albania 

Albania were in the ‘group of death’ only two of the teams turned out to be crap and Spain fielded their reserves. In all honesty, Albania could have done better. Of all the plucky underdogs, they ended up with the least to show for it. At least they got a point; drawing 2-2 with Croatia in a game they could have won in spectacular fashion. They also led against Italy, only to get brushed aside with relative ease. BP: Mitaj. WP: Broja 

 

Scotland 

It’s hard to rank Scotland because so little was expected of them and yet, they got destroyed by Germany so badly that the expectations dropped even lower. In the end, they took a point off Switzerland (who were actually good) and nearly beat Hungary. A result which would, ironically, have left them eliminated anyway. BP: Gilmour. WP: Adams 

 

Ukraine 

Ukraine were hard to rank. They got their asses handed to them by Romania in the opening game but then came back to beat Slovakia in resilient fashion. They knew they were going out with a draw against Belgium though and never looked like taking that game. They had to attack and just meandered into elimination. It was a toothless display from a team playing five at the back. BP: Sudakov. WP: Mudryk  

 

B TIER 

The tier reserved for teams that did exactly what was expected of them and no more.  

 

Portugal 

They had a weak group. They struggled past a crap Czech team before thumping Turkey 3-0. That was the only time we saw an elite Portugal in this tournament. The rest of the time, they were boring and catered to the ego of a man who should have retired from international football two tournaments ago. Oddly enough, on the back of an excellent defensive performance from a man in his 40s. Couldn’t even beat Slovenia in the knockouts. BP: Pepe. WP: Ronaldo 

 

Slovakia 

In the midst of a bunch of top teams that did fine, is Slovakia. A team that also did fine but then bullied England for 88’ and should have knocked them out. Because they didn’t knock England out, I’ve dropped them down the rankings. They had an odd tournament. Second best against Belgium, in a game they somehow won. Managed to lose to Ukraine, a team they dominated for half the game. Then failed to overcome a lightweight Romania. It’s bizarre that a team this middling would take England to extra time but here we are. BP: Schranz. WP: Hancko  

 

France 

Good lord, these lot were boring. They were almost as bad as watching England. They gave it a go in a terrific semi but were beaten by the eventual winners. Everyone had France making it to at least the semis and that’s where they got. So, congrats? You did fine. Aggressively average performance, France. Their QF with Portugal is being tried next week at the Hague for war crimes. BP: Upamecano. WP: Rabiot 

 

Belgium  

What a weird tournament these lot had. They were either brilliant or shit and even when they were brilliant, they didn’t always win. And when they were shit, they didn’t always lose. Eventually they stumbled into the path of France and that was the end of them. The last dregs of Belgium’s golden generation, flushed down the u-bend of international football by a French team that barely noticed they were there. BP: Doku. WP: Carrasco 

 

Netherlands 

When I saw this Dutch team play in the first match, I had no idea they would make it to the semis. They got there thanks to a lucky draw and coasted by Romania in their best performance. It’s criminal they got beaten by Austria in the groups and outlasted them in the tournament. They were very lucky to get a point off France and should have been knocked out in the groups. They also should have lost to Turkey. BP: Ake. WP: Veerman 

 

England 

For those wondering why England place so highly despite my rampant criticism of their performances and tournament, there’s one simple answer. They came within four minutes of extra time against that Spain team, in a major final. An otherwise dreadful tournament saw England plod past a mass of mediocre opponents. Playing tedious, turgid, negative football. Gareth Southgate’s true legacy. BP: Bellingham. WP: Rice 

 

A TIER 

Where the best teams play. Well, ‘almost’ the best teams. They’re in the S Tier.  

 

Slovenia 

Far exceeded expectations by not only escaping a group containing England and Denmark but took points off both. Went on to take Portugal to penalties where the nerve departed, and they missed all of them. They struggled a little up top but largely because their plan was to hump it up to Sesko and hope for the best with Sporar, a speed merchant, running off the ball. BP: Oblak. WP: Mlakar  

 

Turkey 

A fantastic tournament for Turkey. They were exciting and challenged every team they played. They were involved in a series of thrillers (Georgia, Czechia, Austria, Netherlands) before bowing out. They played front foot football and allowed young talent to shine. Arda Guler and Baris Yilmaz both stood out. They weren’t afraid to run at defences and try different things. BP: Guler. WP: Kokcu  

 

Germany 

The hosts bowed out early but played some tremendous football in the process. Spain vs. Germany felt like the final. They were arguably the two best teams. Germany destroyed Scotland in the opener and outplayed both Hungary and Denmark with minimal effort. A draw with Switzerland was the only blight on their group stage and they had already qualified at that point. It might have been smarter to lose that game for a better knock out run. They took the mighty Spain to extra time and looked closest to beating them. BP: Musiala (and also Kroos). WP: Sane 

 

Romania 

We expected nothing of Romania, who had struggled to look competent let alone competitive in pre-tournament friendlies. So, it came was a bit of a suprise when they smashed Ukraine 3-0. They played plucky, resilient football against powerhouse teams after that. The Ukraine performance alone deserved knock out football and they were blown away by the Dutch when they got there. Given expectations were so low, we’ll call this tournament a big win for Romanian football though. BP: Man. WP: Ratiu 

 

Austria 

Given their high energy group performances, I swore blind that Austria would be going deep into this tournament. They played more as a team than almost any other side in the tournament. They really were superb. However, it’s easy to forget how France outplayed them in the second half of that 1-0 group opener. Had Mbappe got his boots on straight, they could have gotten tonked. Austria went on to impressive wins over Poland and the Netherlands. Then a bizarre loss to Turkey, where Austria dominated the game and lost to set pieces. RIP Austria, you went out too soon. BP: Baumgartner. WP: Arnautovic 

 

Switzerland 

At the very tippy top of A Tier is Switzerland. They didn’t impress me, in the groups, anywhere near as much as Austria but come the knock outs they battered Italy. Absolutely twatted the defending champions. It wasn’t close. The warning signs were there. Switzerland racked up the points they needed in two games and then nearly beat Germany. They only got knocked out because of Bukayo Saka scored a worldy and England remembered how to take penalties. BP: Xhaka. WP: Widmer 

 

S TIER 

The space reserved for the best of the bests. The GOATS. Only two teams up here and I think you know who they are.  

 

Georgia 

Nobody exceeded expectations like Georgia. They were the longest, outside shot in the entire thing and made it into the R16. They played some of the most entertaining football. Every game they played was fun to watch. Was it defensively solid? Not often, but really who cares? Counter attacking football is how you play when you’re a small nation with limited scope and talented forwards who can run fast. Sure, Spain rattled in four goals in R16, but that game was tremendous fun and Spain were better than everyone. BP: Mikautadze. WP: no one deserves it! 

 

Spain 

We finish on the winners, which wasn’t always going to be the case but it was when Spain won. Spain were the best team in this tournament from game one. They smoked Croatia and completely subverted everyone’s expectations of the group of death. While a couple of teams (Germany, France, England) came close on the scoreboard to Spain, none of them were close to Spain in the play. Spain were elite in this tournament. Simply outstanding from start to finish with multiple ways of taking your defence apart. An urgency and speed to their play that all the other big boys couldn’t deal with. Just brilliant to watch. Totally deserved to win the tournament and will be favourites for the World Cup in the USA, I’d wager. BP: Ruiz. WP: Navas?  

 

Overall, Euro 2024 won’t go down as one of the greatest footballing tournaments of all time and it fell short of the excellent World Cup in Qatar. However, as long as teams play like Spain, Turkey and Georgia, football will be entertaining. Hopefully some of the more pragmatic teams (France, England) will learn from this failure to win and play some more aggressively expansive football in the future. Spain are proof that good football wins tournaments. Let’s see some more good football and less Deschamps/Southgate-ball.  

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed my journey through Euro 2024. It’s been an interesting time for me, thanks to a lowkey work schedule, and I’ve enjoyed (mostly) watching the entire of a summer tournament. I don’t even remember the last time I got to watch everything like this. It’s been nice. I’ll see you soon, hopefully.