GCW Joey Janela’s Spring Break 8 (4.5.24) review 

 

April 5, 2024 

 

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK REVIEW #21  

 

Source: Triller TV+ (£7.99 per month) 

 

We’re in Philly at Penns Landing Caterers, the Collective venue. I’m now in my Wrestlemania mop up phase having completed the biggest dog of them all. Amazingly, this show is LONGER than Wrestlemania N2. Fuck you, Joey.  

 

 

I retract that statement. There is 17:00 of dead air on the front of the VOD and we’re paying tribute to Virgil. Wrestlemania is a time for forgiveness. Let’s see how I feel after the main event today.  

 

Minoru Suzuki & Masato Tanaka vs. Masha Slamovich & Rina Yamashita 

I’m trying to figure out the Masha Slamovich timeline. Is this after she’s wrestled Mike Bailey? Yes, yes, it is. So, she’s already had a banger like 3 hours before this. The theme of this is two elderly Japanese men beating up women. Or, as it’s called in Japan; pornography. That’s not true, all Japanese porn involves schoolgirls.  

 

I love Masha Slamovich and how aggressive she’s been this weekend. When you’re bringing that intensity to Tanaka, you will bring out the best in him. Masha’s fighting from underneath here is superb. Rina tries to bring the same feistiness and just can’t match it. It probably doesn’t help that her selling is very weird.  

 

Tanaka thrives from fighting Masha and nails her with a great forearm before putting her through a door. Masha ends up catching Tanaka with a cradle to get the win. This was a proper scrap, and the ladies earned their win here. ***¼  

 

Rock n’ Roll Express & Kerry Morton vs. Mike Bailey, Jordan Oliver & Nick Wayne 

Ricky Morton getting to tag with his partner and his son is pretty fucking cool. It’s a weird dynamic though because Kerry is a heel and everyone else is babyface. It’s amazing watching Ricky Morton wrestle still in 2024. The man is 67 years old and was a hard bumping babyface in the 80s. I appreciate Team Speedball working in t-shirts, so the old guys don’t feel badly for working in t-shirts.  

 

Kerry is behaving like such an asshole Ricky steps in and BITCHSLAPS HIM. I also love Ricky hitting the Canadian Destroyer. He’s 67, he could claim he invented it. AND a god damn tope suicida. He’s 67. Sadly he’s not in the match very much and the thigh slapping lads pin him at the finish. Too much Oliver and Wayne here. Mickey Speedbollocks took this one off. 

 

Dragon Gate Classic (Dragon Kid, Kzy & YAMATO) vs. Reiwa New Generation (Ben-K, Kota Minoura & Shun Skywalker) 

Remember when Dragon Gate got invited to ROH and helped to basically change the style of cruiserweight wrestling in the USA? Dragon Kid wrestled in that match. He doesn’t appear to have aged a day since. The trouble with seeing DG in 2024, is that it no longer stands out compared to everyone else who adopted that style. Does that make sense?  

 

So, while the execution is excellent (especially compared to some matches I’ve seen this week) it just burbles along in front of eyes without affecting me in the slightest. It feels like they don’t have the same strong characterisation as they did before either. Only Shun comes in with a strong character. The one worker who does stands out, purely on in-ring, is YAMATO, who absolutely rules.  

 

Ben-K also tries to pop me by flying into the ring post at full speed out of the ring. Dragon Kid ends up getting the pin and we can move on. Crowd appreciated this and it ticked along at a fair old pace. ***¼  

 

Grab the Brass Ring Ladder Match 

Cole Radrick vs. Arez vs. Myron Reed vs. Aigle Blanc vs. Mr Danger vs. Leon Slater vs. Alec Price vs. Marcus Mathers vs. Microman  

Veda claims this is a chance to “stand out” by appearing in yet another spotfest scramble match. No, it really isn’t. A singles match, where you get to show you can wrestle, is a chance to stand out. NINE people in this. This is every spotfest I’ve seen this weekend + ladders. At least the Spring Break crowd are excited for MOVEZ. I’ve seen so many of these take place in front of tepid crowds.  

The one positive is the inclusion of Microman. It gives the match a different vibe and allows Microman to do funny variations on the normal bullshit. The rest of the match is the same nonsense you’ve seen a hundred times. Lots of setting spots up. Lots of lying around doing nothing. There are some cool high spots, of course there are. I don’t think anything tops Mr Danger taking out someone while they’re about to dive off a ladder but flying over the ropes and hitting them with a cutter. That’s just fucking sick. Anyway, Radrick gets the brass ring. This was a lot of fun and I appreciate they discovered a spot I’d never seen before, which actually looked cool. Especially as it cut off a spot that would have been shit. Obviously, this was too spotty for me.  

 

Matt Cardona vs. Blue Kane 

They have to call Blue Kane “Blue Pain” because otherwise WWE will sue them. A moment to discuss Glenn Jacobs, one of the biggest pieces of shit in wrestling. I assume he has CTE from chair shots because he’s pro-life, anti-vax and pro-guns. He’s fucking moron. He sucked at wrestling too. Fuck you, Glenn.  

Matt Cardona is out here to be mad about not being in WWE. Hey, brrrother, you had a hell of a run in the big leagues. This is where you belong now.  

Taking comedy spots off a cosplayer. Kane wins with a chokeslam, but Steph DeLander pulls the ref out. Someone comes out doing Zack Ryder cosplay, turns on Cardona, then turns on Kane. Everyone gets chokeslammed. Jimmy Lloyd gives Memes the fireball, the poor bastard, and Cardona takes it with Radio Silence. This was a mockery of WWE style sportz entertainment and it worked as that. Was it stupid? Yes, absolutely but then it’s Blue Kane, what do you expect? 

 

Gringo Loco vs. Amazing Red 

I get that Joey thought this would be better than Loco vs. Mike D but he’s wrong. Having watched Amazing Red wrestle once this week, my bar is low. He looks rusty. Gringo has wrestled a lot this week and he doesn’t strike me as a guy with great cardio. The bumps are ok in this, if we’re stretching for positives, but the set up for moves is painfully slow and business exposing. Gringo is trying so hard to protect Red. It’s nice to see the respect for the veteran but it doesn’t make this any good. Code Red finishes in a shade under SIXTEEN minutes.  

 

I Quit 

Effy vs. Mance Warner 

Effy matches usually peak with “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”. Banger of a tune. In defence of Effy, his better work is in death matches and “I Quit” has no rules so we have a shot at not being shit here. As with the ladder match, there’s a lot of setting up of spots followed by good bumps involving plunder. It would probably look good as a highlights video because then you’d skip over all the setting up stuff?  

 

So yeah, it’s mostly bad but they start hitting each other in the head with a broken door and I’m cackling and asking for more. We’ll call that a win. Eventually, Effy blades as the cameraman fights the urge to show it. Mancer pulls out some zip ties and THERE’S A LOGICAL REASON FOR THEM BEING THERE insists Veda. Explain the fucking doors and all this other shit then.  

Effy tells Mancer he’ll have to kill him. Allie Katch, who is absolutely fucking useless, runs in and Warner threatens to shove a drill into her brain. Oh shit, that’s fighting talk. Effy is forced to quit, and the match is over. You know what, this was ok. I liked the story they told here. *** 

 

Nic Gage & Maki Itoh vs. Danhausen & Ram Kaicho 

Is Danhausen still a thing? Everyone should have gotten over that by now, surely. Gage’s entrance is getting more and more ridiculous. It’s a fucking mosh pit! Gage’s entrance is usually the best part of his matches now. The music, the moshing, the pre-match promo.  

Part of the glory of the Indies is getting weird matches like this, which the big promotions are too scared of doing. Danhausen is out here doing comedy spots and Gage is fuming about it on the apron. Just the perfect dichotomy. Ram brings a voodoo doll of Maki and that is good for a laugh. Gage flattens Ram as soon as he tags in and HOLY SHIT. He is not fucking around.  

If I had to put money on who would blade in this, it wasn’t Maki Itoh with a pizza cutter. Danhausen can fuck off for being so far away from her with the blade though. Also, for the jar of teeth. Also, for being Danhausen. Double Kokeshi finishes for Maki Death Kill. The friendship between a cute Japanese girl and an aging king of death matches is a delight though.  

 

GCW World Championship 

Blake Christian (c) vs. Joey Janela 

Blake has been champion since last summer. Missy Hyatt is cornering Joey Janela here and if you can’t smell that heel turn coming…I don’t know what you’ve been watching but it ain’t professional wrestling brrrrrrrother. This show started late and it’s even later now and people are tired. There is still energy in the building, but I’m surprised because the match is sluggish.  

 

It’s also really, really long. Joey seems to have this obsession with giving himself loads of time in matches he books himself. Being a booker means providing for the audience, not pandering to your own whims. Maybe in his head, he thought this would be epic but it’s not. It’s not even good. They do the odd good spot or sequence but it’s not held together, and they fuck stuff up.  

 

The match is just a long version of every other Indie match this weekend, which means I’ve seen it several times in the past few days, and I was never this bored because no one else thought going 30:00 was a good idea. They have awful ideas too. Shane Mercer ends up just strolling into the ring and being part of the match.  

Near the end they do ridiculous stuff and Joey can’t believe he’s not won this. We get into the Missy shenanigans and, SHOCK HORROR, she turns on Janela. Joey, you poor dumb bastard. How did you not see that coming? Blake stomps him on the Gucci bag for the win. The crowd pelt the ring with rubbish, which is exactly what this match was. 

 

The 411: 

Most of the show was fun, rather than good, which is par for the Spring Break course. Janela used to pepper these shows with good matches though and he didn’t bother here. Unless you really like Dragon Gate. In defence of the show, only the main event is entirely skippable. Janela should also know that booking a really long match on Mania weekend is a bad idea but then he’s done it loads of times and hasn’t learned yet so here we are.