UWF Fury Hour November 1990 

 

I’ve settled into doing these in month long chunks. I’m not actually watching these one after another but rather alternating them with other shows, so I don’t go insane. It’s going to serve as a palate cleanser. Or maybe everything else is a palate cleanser for UWF. One or the other. 

 

UWF Fury Hour #6  

 

November 5, 1990. Taped: October 11, 1990. 

 

Yes! Another hour of Herb Abrams Fury Hour! An hour of him making me furious!  

 

Paul Orndorff vs. Gary Keyes 

Orndorff comes out to MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This”. Thank you for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and two right feet. Gary Keyes wasn’t blessed with either a mind to bump or a single right foot. Piledriver finishes. However long this was it was too long. Thankfully Gary Keyes was never booked again. 

 

Chief Jay Strongbow vs. Cactus Jack 

Strongbow Jr is here again. It’s weird that Cactus keeps getting competitive matches but no one else does. Strongbow stinks the joint up and Cactus has to work very hard to make the match even passable. Eventually Mick decides to take it to the floor because Strongbow can’t do much. Mick ends up taking a back suplex on the floor. The great thing about Foley is how good he made shitty wrestlers look.  

 

Strongbow couldn’t do anything until he was floor brawling with Mick Foley and then he looked pretty decent. Strongbow Jr gets a sleeper, and we clip straight into the next match. Apparently, it was a DQ finish but it skipped ahead* so who knows what happened. Good match considering how awful Strongbow is. 

 

*We get clips in a future episode showing the finish where Cactus used a weapon and David Sammartino ran in for the DQ. Followed by “Wildman” Jack Armstrong to set up a tag on said future episode.  

 

Bob Orton Jr vs. Michael Moore 

Orton comes out to the theme from the TV show “Bonanza”. This is just a squash. Orton going through the motions.  

 

Captain Lou’s Corner 

Hey, he’s actually here…in the ring! Lou introduces ANDRE THE GIANT!! This was a hell of a scoop for Herb.  

Apologies for the quality of the screenshot. So, what happened? Well, Vince McMahon was hot about anyone using Andre. They signed him to a contract just after this aired and announced he’d be in the Royal Rumble, which never happened because Andre was in rough shape and couldn’t do it. Still, trying to move on Vince McMahon’s business in 1990 was still not a smart move. Bullish from Herb but he surely pissed a few people off here. I’m sure he stuck Andre in a few UWF video packages in years to come.  

 

Viking vs. Kevin Benjamin 

Tony Halme is a big burly dude. They attempt a sideslam and Benjamin thinks he’s supposed to flip bump. A real mess. Benjamin does a great job of bumping around for Halme, but Tony is clearly not giving him the right information. Also, he keeps doing clotheslines and his clotheslines SUCK. They’re honking. They’re way too low. He looks stupid. Anyway, he wins. We move on. 

 

Don’t feel bad when I rag on Tony Halme for being a shit wrestler. He was a shit person too! How shit? He had an SS tattoo. He certainly looks like he belongs as an extra in a movie set in Hitler’s bunker. And what asshole, what piece of shit decided to introduce Tony (Nazi Tone) to pro-wrestling? Herb fucking Abrams. This is all his fault.  

 

Tony Halme would go on to fame and fortune as Ludvig Borga but would never bother to learn how to wrestle. Despite failing at everything he’d attempted (0-1 in UFC) he eventually found the true calling of any despicable racist Neo-Nazi homophobe; right wing politics. He was actually elected to the Finnish parliament. However, he ended up with brain damage from drug and alcohol abuse. Possibly before entering politics. He shot himself dead in 2010.  

 

David Sammartino vs. Riki Ataki 

Ataki, a JOBBER mind you, decides to pose on the turnbuckles. David, who has no real offence, decides to let Ataki kick his ass all match. I suppose that beats watching him do a few leglocks. David also has this obsession with doing moves that look shit. Mostly kicks and stomps. His chops though, are actually good. Figure Four finishes for David. He has grown on me slightly during this UWF run but he does suck. At least he seems to be doing more stuff that doesn’t look shit now. Just in time for him to never get booked anywhere ever again.  

 

“You are watching UWF…and you’re going to see a lot of me”. Errrrr. Maybe if you watch All Japan TV. Signing Andre would have been a proper power move, if he actually wrestled. Like WCW signing Hogan in 1994. Or CM Punk turning up in AEW. It’s a shame they debuted him here in front of 100 people in Reseda.  

 

Feature Match 

Ken Patera vs. Billy Jack Haynes 

They’ve started calling the main event a “feature match”, which is code for “match that will end in a DCO”. Bruno starts talking about both gentlemen’s thighs and arguing the official weights here. In order to hide Patera’s borderline incompetence, they do a lot fo wristlocks. Patera’s mat work and holds are near perfect. He just can’t convincingly move around a ring anymore.  

 

Going slow definitely benefits him and his appearance. They do a spot where Patera misses in the corner, and he’s supposed to shoot into the ring post. He barely gets between the ropes and both his feet are on the floor. They start punching each other in the corner and Haynes accidentally knocks the ref out, which is a DQ. This was boring. ½* 

 

UWF Fury Hour #7  

 

November 12, 1990  

 

Taped: November 11, 1990. We’re still at the country club in Reseda. This did slightly better than the second taping block. By slightly I mean we have 275 people here. It’s pathetic, honestly. Herb is just throwing money at a wall and nothing is happening. Hosts are Herb Abrams and Bruno Sammartino. I fucked this up and did it out of order with Japan shows, which means I now have to watch two of these fucking things in a row.  

 

We have a new intro where Herb leans heavily into the California base for this promotion. Lots of shots of LA and the sights out there. A solid contrast to WCW in the south and WWF in New York. I’ve always said this about any start up; do it different. Make yourself stand out. Lucha Underground is one of the better examples. Everyone else tends to copy the WWF.  

 

Steve Williams vs. Robbie Allen 

Bruno starts talking about weights. He is obsessed. Allen is very skinny and is billed as 229lbs. Not a chance. He’s about 185lbs. Doc just bullies him. He does a sick snap suplex with a floatover. “This is not necessary” says Herb. The promotion? I agree but here we are. Herb gets confused that the running tackle is the Oklahoma Stampede, a move that he’s failed to call on every show so far. Doc then hits the Oklahoma Stampede, dubbed “a powerslam” by Bruno. Fuck off. Just fuck off. Allen got NOTHING here. 

 

Bob Orton vs Stephen DeLeon 

Oh hey, another squash. Orton doesn’t have Doc’s violent moveset though, so this is even more of a struggle. It’s a chore and it goes on forever. Superplex finishes. This was over SIX MINUTES.  

 

Post Match: Orton refuses to leave. He wants Paul Orndorff to come out here and face him LIKE A MAN. Or some such words. I wasn’t listening. Amazingly, Orndorff doesn’t even show up and they cut to a forthcoming feature called “Ask the Wrestlers”. You can post your enquiries to 702 Washington.  

 

“Bumblebee” Brian Blair vs. Louie Spicolli  

Hey, an interesting jobber! Spicolli was just a jobber at this point. Having done jobs for WWF. Blair has his valet here again. She’s now called Honey Bee. Spicolli is a decent hand so Blair does some counter wrestling with him. It’s passable. Spicolli still struggles with a few things. Like taking an armdrag. He does a bang up job of selling for Honey Bee’s “stinger”, which is that cattle prod gimmick, which doesn’t suit a babyface IN THE FUCKING SLIGHTEST but hey. Spicolli has a funny bit where he tries to slingshot in and trips over the rope. Blair finishes with the Sharpshooter, and he still hasn’t figured out how to apply it.  

 

Captain Lou’s Corner 

The guest is John Tolos who calls Albano a “wimp” for turning babyface. Tolos goes on to say he’s got more in his pinkie finger than Albano has in his big fat body. Lou Albano proceeds to scream at him and over him for the rest of the interview. Is Lou Albano the worst interviewer in wrestling history?  

 

Nikita Koloff vs. Spitball Patterson 

The brief Spitball push is over. The only spot he gets here is an Irish whip and when he follows up, he misses and does a goofy sell across the ring. Russian Sickle finishes. This was about 2 minutes and probably 90 seconds too long. 

 

Paul Orndorff vs. The Grappler 

The Grappler is yet another masked jamoke from “Parts Unknown”. He sucks. Orndorff beats the shit out of him, and Grappler takes a sweet bump off a clothesline. Piledriver finishes. Another straight up squash. 

 

Lou Albano hypes a forthcoming UWF taping in New York. Considering how hard Herb has pushed for this to the California promotion, it’s crazy he’s trying to move in on Vince McMahon territory after a couple of weeks. Herb was truly one of a kind. And cocaine is a hell of a drug.  

 

Colonel de Beers vs. Billy Jack Haynes 

The referee is black (Larry Sampson) so De Beers is fuming. Hey, you know he’s a big old racist maybe stop getting the black guy to referee all his matches. This is predictably sluggish. It just crawls along with de Beers working heat. Billy Jerk mounts a comeback, which involves kicks, punches and yelling towards the crowd. You can tell he’s been in the fed for too long. Fed brain. He throws a dropkick to mix it up and boy does it suck. De Beers attacks the ref to get disqualified with Haynes in charge and the full nelson applied. Why protect de Beers this much? It’s DE BEERS. Anyway, this was boring. De Beers beats the shit out of Sampson afterwards. Why did they never just book de Beers vs Sampson? Herb is an idiot, he really is. 

 

UWF Fury Hour #8  

 

November 19, 1990. Taped: November 11, 1990.  

 

We’re still in Reseda with Herb Abrams & Bruno Sammartino. There’s a big debut this week who will play a key role in the future of the UWF. That’s Steve Ray. No, not Stevie Ray. He’s a tall, handsome, former football player. Unlike all of Herb’s other guys, he’s not been a star anywhere else. So, he’s a UWF Original and would quickly become one of the company’s biggest assets.  

 

Steve Ray vs. Riki Ataki 

Some people just have that presence and Steve Ray has it. He looks like he’s walked into the arena straight off the beach. His entrance music is “Wild Thing”. He doesn’t have the body to be a bigger star but he’s clearly good in this small arena business. He’s clearly trying to ape the Rockers look and approach. They have one huge botch where Ataki doesn’t realise he’s heading into a backdrop. Ray clearly wants to differentiate himself from the rest of the card and hits a dive to the floor. To be fair to him, he does come off like a star here. Powerslam finishes. A very solid debut, botch aside, for Steve Ray.  

 

Herb runs a weird angle here where “Commissioner Ross” has been fired for not intervening in the Colonel de Beers racism situation. Which might mean something if “Commissioner Ross” had ever appeared before. He may have and I just wasn’t paying attention, but he doesn’t even have a first name! Unless it’s Commissioner.  

 

Bob Orton vs. Kevin Benjamin 

Oh no, not another long Bob Orton squash. We did this last week. Luckily YouTube lets you watch videos on 1.5 speed so I do that for a laugh. Man, Orton is still boring at 1.5 speed! He’s not even that old. He just turned 40. He wouldn’t even have made it to NXT in modern day WWE. Superplex finally finishes.  

 

Steve Williams vs. Stephen DeLeon 

The battle of the Steve’s here. Doc has had nothing to do since that aborted Orndorff thing. They still talk about the issue on comms but Doc has just been out here squashing dudes since that one DCO match. Doc no sells everything here including a rake of the eyes. NO WAY! His eyes were too tough for DeLeon’s weak raking. Oklahoma Stampede finishes as Herb calls this “the sport of men”. Obviously not an All Japan Womens fan. He should be.  

 

In pre-recorded comments Cactus Jack threatens to demolish the World Trade Center*. Yikes!  

 

*I wish I was making this up.  

 

Captain Lou’s Corner 

His guest is Andre the Giant, and they collectively take the piss out of Big John Studd for being not a giant. He takes a John Studd toy and rips the head off it. Was Herb building to Andre vs Studd? Because that’s a stinker even without both men’s deterioration in the early 90s. “Andre cannot be taken off his feet” screams Albano. Which translates to “he can’t take a bump anymore”. Rather predictably these vignettes were the only appearances Andre would make for UWF before Vince swooped and recalled him to the fed.  

 

Paul Orndorff vs. Spitball Patterson 

The recycling of jobbers in this promotion makes it hard to remember what’s happening. Has Orndorff already wrestled and beat this guy? I legitimately can’t remember. At least Spitball is about to cycled out of proceedings. This is his final UWF appearance. He’ll always have that one match as the Bounty Hunter where he got a win.  

Temptation strikes. This match is 6 minutes long. Piledriver finishes, and Doc jumps Orndorff after the bell. Damn, I thought they’d forgotten about this feud. They run a fun angle where Doc beats the piss out of Orndoff and chair shots him. Amazingly the referee, I think Larry Sampson, refuses to sell a chair shot in the aftermath and Doc kicks the shit out of him. Meanwhile, Orndorff is busted open. This was tremendous fun but when’s the match Herb? They claim it’s next week but it’s not. 

 

Video Control puts Lou Albano to use as he pops in to interview Doc. Meanwhile, Herb tries to get a word with a bloodied Mr Wonderful.  

 

Ken Patera vs. Nikita Koloff 

Bruno starts talking about how much Patera weighs again. He is obsessed. Get Art Donovan in as a third guy at the desk and they can just talk about weights the whole time. “How much does this guy weigh Bruno?” “Well, the stats say 260lbs, but I think he’s at least 285lbs, Art”. Riveting television. Honestly though, I loved Art Donovan. That kind of incompetence just doesn’t happen anymore. Everyone is “media trained”. Boring! 

 

This isn’t the thrilling main event Herb was probably hoping for. There’s a lot of basic holds and stalling. Nikita grabs a side headlock at one point, and they just sit there in it. Amazingly, they don’t even show the end of this match! WHAT? You taped this! How do we not have a finish? I was thinking of praising Herb for that cool Orndorff/Doc angle, and he pulls this bullshit. Just unforgivable. He’s a fucking clown. 

 

UWF Fury Hour #9 

 

November 26, 1990  

 

Bit of a conflict over air dates. Logically it was aired on November 26, which is the date on the video, but Cagematch says November 24. End of the day, nobody cares but I thought I’d point out that it might be either. Hosts are Herb Abrams & Bruno Sammartino. I love that Herb is sat on the ring steps to talk to Bruno, as Bruno is clearly much taller. We start by finishing last week’s main event of Patera vs Nikita Koloff. Hey, I didn’t care last week Herb and I don’t care now. Some child is yelling “go home, Nikita”. Yeah. Go home to Minneapolis, ya mid-west bum. Predictably the match ends with a random DQ for “over the top rope”. THAT’S NOT A THING ANYMORE!!! Fuck off Herb.  

 

Bob Orton vs. Robbie Allen 

The only good thing about this neverending run of Orton squashes is the theme from Bonanza, which unfortunately haunts me and appears at random moments during my life now. Allen gets nothing and Bob finishes with a lousy superplex. It’s so bad Bruno criticises it.  

 

Larry Zbyszko vs. Bulldozer 

Larry’s name is spelled wrong on the graphic with an extra “Y” between the Z and the B. He’s got the AWA world title with him here, if that means anything anymore. AWA was basically finished at this point and Larry would jump to WCW next month. UWF has a story here where David Sammartino is interested in this match. He hates Larry based on the Bruno-Larry classic WWF feud. Larry wins quickly as Bulldozer is just a big fat guy, and Larry isn’t paid by the minute. 

 

Bumblebee Brian Blair vs. Grappler 

The masked jobber clashes with Blair and his valet Honey Bee here. The crowd start chanting for “Spivey”. He’s not coming back, guys. And also, he sucks. The Blair-Tolos feud has switched over to Bob Orton. Imagine how thrilling that’ll be! Despite distractions Blair finishes with the Sharpshooter. Honey Bee then attacks Tolos with the Stinger. Orton jumps in there, lays out Blair and HEADBUTTS HONEY. Hahaha. Oh my god, Bob!  

UWF bringing the male on female violence that would end up being a defining aspect of 90s pro-wrestling. When they brought Honey Bee in, I was not expecting this.  

 

Captain Lou’s Corner 

Albano is fuming. Orton states “I didn’t realise it was the broad”. “The way women’s lib is these days people shouldn’t complain anyway”. John Tolos and Bob Orton sound so alt-right pilled here. “I’ve had many dealings with women, many, many dealings” – John Tolos sounding like an absolute virgin.  

 

Viking vs. Stephen DeLeon 

Bruno starts talking about Tony Halme’s weight and the crowd chant “Viking sucks”. They’ve got their own guy over. It’s a shame he sucks. He throws DeLeon into the corner and he blows that. Misses by a good three feet. They botch a press slam showing Halme isn’t strong, just muscular and Halme finishes with a few elbow drops. Tony Halme can do some stuff but he’s really green.  

 

I saw a Bruce Pritchard shoot and he got asked if Vince was worried about UWF and he was like “nah”. Vince was so not worried about UWF that he signed Andre the Giant so they couldn’t use him anymore.  

 

Cactus Jack & Jack Armstrong vs. David Sammartino & Jay Strongbow

Cactus is joined by fellow Jack, and another WWF jobber, Armstrong. Everyone bar Cactus stinks. The match, when he’s not in it, is downright dull. The crowd are definitely fans of Cactus already. He’s one of the few guys putting effort in here. It’s odd seeing Cactus attempt the ‘chaotic brawl’ with David Sammartino. The other Jack blades heavily and we’ve had juice in back-to-back shows! Blood and guts Herb! 

 

Strongbow Jr is such a bad wrestler. His whole shtick is just Chief Jay Strongbow, only done badly. Larry Zbyszko comes out here to argue with David Sammartino and that allows Cactus to waffle Strongbow with the infamous international object for the pin. This was kinda ok, but only when Cactus was in there. I really don’t want to see David Sammartino vs. Larry Zbyszko. The latter tries to put some sauce on proceedings by claiming he retired Bruno (he didn’t).  

 

The 411: 

While there are certainly improvements here (Doc/Orndorff blood angle, Cactus Jack DQ leading to tag etc), it’s still UWF. It’s still borderline incompetent. The failure to show the finish in episode 8 only to have it shown at the start of 9 and it be pointless is a prime example. There are still a load of useless jobbers matches just designed to fill space. Certainly, the best month of their TV to date but that’s a low bar.