April 1, 2022
We’re in Dallas, Texas at the American Airlines Arena. This is the go-home show from WWE for WrestleMania. I haven’t watched a WWE television show since 2019 (RAW after Wrestlemania 35). I doubt much has changed. Hosts are Michael Cole and Pat McAfee. The former seems permanently embedded into WWE television and will probably be on broadcasts until he’s 100.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
We get some VT of how Dolph Ziggler won the NXT title. Haha, what a fucking company. The champion of your developmental is 41. How are those viewing figures btw?
The Andre is so prestigious that nobody good has ever won it. Dijak feels like a no brainer to win this (from an outsider perspective). Big dude, hard to get over the top rope, big potential. Nah, he gets dumped early on by Shelton Benjamin. Commander Azeez, at 6’9”, is also a favourite, even if he’s not good. The 7’ Shanky is the same height as Azeez due to WWE height bullshit. Azeez and Shanky spill out together. As the crap clear out it becomes apparent that Finn Balor is the biggest star in this by some distance. There’s only two possible babyface winners; Balor and Ciampa.
FINAL FOUR; Balor, Roode, Ziggler, Moss. It comes down to Moss vs. Balor and there’s only one winner with that…Madcap Moss. Haha. You guessed it. The guy who’s been in the company for eight years and is still shit. What a waste of time. DUD
Post-Match: Moss tells “jokes”. The crowd boo and nobody beats him up or anything. Why do WWE hate their own fans?
WWE Intercontinental Championship
Ricochet (c) vs. Angel vs. Umberto
I don’t remember the last time this belt actually meant something. Which is a sad state of affairs. I like Angel Garza and Umberto Carillo and obviously Ricochet is brilliant. Unfortunately, Los Lotharios are a tag team so most of this is 2 on 1. Handicap matches are all shit, no exceptions. There has never, in wrestling history, been a good handicap match. Los Lotharios work together for a while until they get into beef over pinfall attempts. Ricochet hits the 630 on Angel and then picks off Umberto with the Recoil for the pin. This was terrible. At least Ricochet got a highlight reel doohickey in at the finish. *
Video Control gives us a little look at the Kevin Owens-Steve Austin build. It’s basically just a video of Austin cutting a promo to camera somewhere in Texas and a bunch of Austin’s stunners down the years.
Naomi & Sasha Banks vs. Carmella & Queen Zelina
There’s a four-way championship match at Mania on Sunday. Carmella & Zelina are the current champions. Naomi & Sasha are among the challengers. If WWE go by their usual booking then whoever wins here loses on Sunday. WWE Women’s tag team division is so weird. They brought the belts in and only had one team; Sasha & Bayley. At least it gets more women on the show. The match is only a couple of minutes and Naomi gets the quick pin. This was filler. 1/2*
Video Control gives us an interview with Ronda Rousey.
She seems pretty chilled out until she tells Charlotte she’s going to rip her arm off and feed it to her baby (or something like that, I wasn’t paying attention). They do a package for that match afterwards and WWE are great at video packages. That’s the only thing they have over other promotions. This leads into Charlotte Flair doing a promo in the arena.
Charlotte is a good promo and you can see why WWE think she’s the ‘one’. She’s as good in the ring as the other darlings of the crowd but has a more rounded skillset. If Sasha Banks was a brilliant promo who never got injured and didn’t do the frowny face when she has to job I’m sure they’d have given her the same treatment*.
*If she was taller and her dad was in the Hall of Fame.
Video Control gives us another package. This one from Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar. A match they’ve already done a bunch of times. It’s long. It’s very long.
Promo Time: Rick Boogs is out here to play Shinsuke Nakamura out here on his guitar. You need a violin mate. Pat McAfee is jamming to it and Austin Theory takes him out. McAfee gives chase. Why would you run away from McAfee?
Rick Boogs vs. Jimmy Uso
This is to set up the tag title match between Nakamura & Boogs vs. The Usos. Boogs should win here to showcase the challengers as individual stars. Then you have the Usos win at Mania because they’re a superior team. Works right? Boogs does a lot of power stuff, which would work better for me if I’d not seen a bunch of wrestlers doing cool power shit this weekend already. During the match Austin Theory comes out to chuck a drink at McAfee so Finn Balor jumps him, they fight into the ring and THERE’S A FUCKING MATCH GOING ON HERE. DUD
The Usos & Austin Theory vs. Shinsuke Nakamura, Rick Boogs & Finn Balor
So, Scrap Daddy Adam Pearce apparently came out here and made this, our main event of the evening. If this bullshit hadn’t happened was the main event really Boogs vs. Jimmy? McAfee screams at Theory all match. “Nobody likes you”. It’s astonishing to think Shinsuke Nakamura has been in WWE for 7 years. I’m hoping he’s making serious bank doing house shows and shit. Balor is the only guy who isn’t on Mania so he takes the job to Theory. This was fine. Nice to see Nakamura. **¼
This is Corbin’s chat show.
Corbin has stolen Drew McIntyre’s big scary looking sword. Is that a WrestleMania match? McIntyre vs. Corbin? Really? Life’s too short for this.
Corbin is one of the WWE guys who just spouts whatever horseshit they want him to. Doing dumb angle after dumb angle and treating wrestling like it’s a gig. He’ll have a job as long as he wants one. I bet he’s one of Vince’s favourites. Drew runs out, reclaims his sword and yeets all the furniture out of the ring. He’s out here trying to decapitate people, shouldn’t you be ringing the police Michael Cole? No, he’s too busy shilling WrestleMania the big corporate douchebag. I couldn’t give less of a shit about any of this.
This was a complete waste of time and was hands down the worst show I’ve watched since the last time I watched WWE. I assume I’ll see all those video packages again during WrestleMania. I honestly hope they don’t air the Reigns-Lesnar one again because it’s like five minutes long. Nobody has time for that.