WWE WrestleMania 36

 

April 4, 2020

 

Everything else might be cancelled but hey, it’s WrestleMania baby and it’s on. In some form.

 

Drew Gulak vs. Cesaro

This is a decent wrestling match, even though the lack of audience is incredibly jarring. Cesaro doing the airplane spin with his hands on his hips is good shit.

Final Rating: **1/2

 

Baron Corbin plays an instrument. I am shocked because I thought he was completely talentless.

 

“This party is too big for one night”

WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship

The Kabuki Warriors (c) Vs. Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross

This is completely fine. Four decent workers. The lack of a crowd is still freaking me out. I genuinely rate matches on a combination of my enjoyment and the crowd’s enjoyment. Twisted Bliss onto Kairi finishes and we have a title change. This was ok.

Final Rating: **1/2

 

King Corbin vs. Elias

This is a piss break match. Elias is into fisting based on his handkerchief positioning. He uses this to roll Barry Corbin up for the win.

Final Rating: *

 

WWE RAW Women’s Championship

Becky Lynch (c) vs. Shayna Baszler

This was fine but the finish sucked.

Final Rating: *1/4

 

Intercontinental Championship

Sami Zayn (c) vs. Daniel Bryan

No fans? Dan doesn’t give a shit. He’s happy to tope into a wall. Sami verbalizes his selling a lot here. Gulak tries to get a chant started, because he’s dumb, and Zayn retains with the Helluva Kick.

Final Rating: **1/2

Ladder match

WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship

John Morrison (c) vs. An Uso vs. Kofi Kingston

This is happening this way because Miz turned up with Coronavirus and everyone told him to fuck off. The result is three dudes throwing ladders at each other. There are some dives and shit. It’s easily the best match on the show. It does suffer from rank stupidity and slow climbing though so it also sucks. They have a terrible finish where everyone pulls the belts down and Morrison falls down as do the belts and somehow that makes Morrison the winner. Fucking unbelieve. Hysterics in the group chat.

Final Rating: **

 

Kevin Owens vs. Seth Rollins

Owens threatens to have the best match of the night but they do some “hardest part of the ring” stuff. Seth Rollins legitimately thinks he’s the best wrestler in the world and I cannot stop laughing about that. Sit down, Colby, you can’t even run the ropes right. Owens wins on DQ in a terrible bullshit finish.

Final Rating: **

 

We re-start under no DQ rules. Owens dives off the neon sign and hits a Stunner for the win. Call it **1/4

 

WWE Universal Championship

Bill Goldberg (c) vs. Braun Strowman

A few spears. A few powerslams.

Final Rating: DUD

Boneyard Match

AJ Styles vs. The Undertaker

Who thought the Undertaker should have a singles match in 2020? This is Tiger King territory. They do a cinematic deal here and it’s embarrassing. The whole show has been an embarrassment for the company. Imagine having weeks to tape a ‘best show of the year’ and coming up with this fucking pile of shit?

 

I’m not kidding when I say this is the end of professional wrestling. It may never recover from this. I’m certainly questioning what I’m doing here. The Undertaker magically appearing behind AJ is the worst/most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen.

 

Final Rating: -*******

 

Summary:

Easily the worst WrestleMania ever. Not even close. It might be the worst wrestling show of all time. It reveals just how demented Vince McMahon is.