WWF Royal Rumble 1990 (1.21.90) review 

 

January 21, 1990 

 

New year, new idea for how I’m laying out my year in wrestling. As the “mop up” column got entirely out of hand I’m going to break things down into monthly chunks. Start by doing the big shows, then there’s a big old monthly mop up. So, we start with the Rumble, followed by SNME #25 then I’ll be watching some All Japan and FMW and stuff. The idea being that come December, I won’t have an insane amount of work to catch up on and 50+ matches to write about. Seeing as 1990 is way worse for in-ring than 1989, I’m also concerned that the “mop up” column would have ended up being a miserable experience.  

 

We’re in Orlando, Florida at the Orlando Arena. This is a fairly new building but, because this is America, it’s already been demolished. The NBA’s Orlando Magic played here from 1989-2010 and it also housed some other sports teams. It was renamed the TD Waterhouse Centre in 1999, closed in 2010 and was demolished in 2012. Other wrestling events that took place here include WCW’s Bash at the Beach 1994 and the 2008 WWE Hall of Fame ceremony. Hosts are Tony Schiavone and Jesse Ventura. This is Tony’s second, and final, WWF PPV event before heading back to WCW, where he would stay until it’s closure. I wonder if he regrets that move? I know he did right afterwards because WCW wasn’t in a good place, and he asked to come back.  

 

Ventura claims Mickey Mouse tried to sneak in, so he kicked his ass and presumably stole his wardrobe. He also captured a wild Goofy and sold him into indentured servitude. He’s still a nicer person than Hulk Hogan. At least he was pro-unions, and pro-Abraxas.  

 

Fabulous Rougeaus vs. Bushwhackers 

Nope.  

 

Apart from a random house show a few months after this, Ray Rougeau was retired from wrestling at this point. The only interesting thing about this match is that Jacques has grown a beard in preparation for his singles career. Which won’t even start until 1991. The Bushwhackers suck and there’s no need for them to be wrestling for over 10:00. This runs almost 15:00. Unacceptable. Match rating is DUD, Jacques’ beard is ***¼.  

 

Video Control takes us backstage where the WWF president Jack Tunney has added security to stop Ted DiBiase from buying #30 this year. As luck would have it, he’s drawn #1. He’s fuming. Nice callback to last year though and I like it when they reward you for watching over time. There are huge, long ass chunks of WWF history where they barely acknowledged things that happened three months beforehand. Anytime they bring in that long term continuity, I’m loving it.  

 

Genius vs. Brutus Beefcake 

Bushwhackers and Brutus Beefcake? What a card. This is another bad match, not that I need to tell you that. Poffo comes out here with his fancy behaviour, which provokes Ventura to call him “light in the loafers”. Good grief. It wouldn’t be the first time the WWF had presented an evil gay man and it won’t be the last. Pat Patterson with some Naked Lunch level of self-loathing here.  

 

Genius can’t match his manic energy that worked against Hulk Hogan here. Mainly because Beefcake is too stupid to realise his role in this. Has he already been hit in the head with a jetski and just hasn’t realised yet? Just to really piss me off, they work in a ref bump. Beefcake attacks Genius with a pair of scissors in a clear assault but Mr Perfect runs in for the save and the match is thrown out.  

 

Mr Perfect then beats Beefcake up with chair shots and a mob of referees have to save him. Isn’t Hulk Hogan his best friend? I guess he was busy counting his pay out the back somewhere. The attack would lead to a match at Wrestlemania VI and would have led to Beefcake winning the IC title at Summerslam until the parasailing incident put him on the shelf.  

 

While I make fun of Brutus Beefcake all the time, that parasailing accident was no laughing matter. Basically he was prepping a friend and the boat driver thought they were good to go. He hit the throttle and the guys knees went through Beefcake’s face. Brutus shattered every bone in there. The pain must have been indescribable. Beefcake told his doctors to let him die. That kind of shock trauma is often fatal, so he’s lucky to be alive, let alone back in a wrestling ring a few years later. His next match, after summer 1990, is early 1993.  

 

Video Control goes backstage and the Heenan Family squabble about their Rumble numbers. That’s followed by a shill for Mania, which is in Toronto. They wasted two prime Mania years on Trump Plaza. They’re finally heading to a big building again. 

 

Submission Match 

Greg Valentine vs. Ronnie Garvin 

This feud feels like it’s been going on forever already. Hammer forced Garvin to retire and then had him reinstated when he wouldn’t go away. Both guys have leg braces on, designed to cause pain when the Figure Four is applied. Something Hammer has used for a while and Garvin has copied. This is quite a stupid match with dipshit Ron being good at throwing strikes but also feels the urge to try pinfalls in a submission match. 

 

They really smack each other about here. It’s very nice. The only issue is Valentine’s delayed bumps and off-putting selling. That and the persistent attempts at pinfalls, which are just stupid. When they focus on the chops, it’s ace. The pinfalls…I get in certain circumstances but it’s constantly happening here. Like no one told them the rules.  

Valentine’s leg brace (dubbed “The Heartbreaker”) is supposed to cause extra pain and get the submission but the Hammer Jammer (Garvin’s leg brace) stops him feeling that pain. Tactical masterclass from Rugged Ronnie. They continue to beat the absolute piss out of each other, which is refreshing to see in the WWF, which is normally soft as Hulk Hogan’s flaccid penis, ruined from steroid abuse.  

 

Jimmy Hart steals the Hammer Jammer, leaving Garvin writhing in pain or at very least bellowing in pain. I’m not sure his emotional range includes writhing. They continue with the dumbshit roll ups. WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? Just take pinfall attempts out of this match and it would be genuinely good. But it’s littered with them. Garvin pulls off the Heartbreaker, hits Hammer with it and beats him with a Sharpshooter. Hopefully Bret Hart was paying attention in the back. ***. This is so good with lots of violent striking and clever submission work with the two leg braces. Imagine how good it would be if they hadn’t fucked up everything in between?  

 

Video Control gives us some time with Mr Perfect, who points out he was sick of Brutus Beefcake taking advantage of people with the haircuts. He then goes on to reveal he drew “the perfect number”, which is #30. DiBiase out first, Perfect out last. So at least one good worker at the front and back of the match. 

 

Brother Love Show 

The more I see Bruce Pritchard’s big red face, the more I want to punch it. It might just be the revivalist country music he has playing in the background. Or it might be that Bruce Pritchard is a stooge. Either way, I guess he’d consider it “good heat, brother”. His guests are Sensational Queen Sherri and Sweet Sapphire. Oh good lord, Dusty Rhodes vs. Randy Savage is one of the main feuds from this year. Fuck.  

Ventura puts Tony on the spot and asks which woman he’d rather date. Tony doesn’t say Sapphire, the babyface, let’s just leave it at that. I’d forgotten how tiny Sapphire is. She’s way shorter than Sherri.  

The heels make fun of Dusty’s weight, which is rich coming from Bruce fuckin’ Pritchard. Savage and Dusty run in and Macho kicks Dusty’s ass. Vince McMahon’s obsession with burying Dusty for daring to refuse to be his ace back in 1984 is bizarre to see. Especially as Rhodes is basically finished in the ring anyway and just here to collect some paycheques.  

 

Big Bossman vs. Jim Duggan 

Duggan’s run of house shows with Randy Savage is over so he’s stopped caring. At least this is Bossman in singles so I don’t have to watch Akeem too. Bossman is about to turn face, so it’s a little weird they even ran this match. By Mania he’ll be working against his former partner Akeem. Ray tries like hell to make this match interesting by throwing himself into his bumps. Slick pops me by yelling “let that be a lesson to ya, crooked eyes” at Duggan. 

 

Duggan’s pre-match assertion that he would go“eye to eye” with Bossman made me laugh. Well, one eye anyway. The other one will be watching the guy in the third row. Bossman eventually gives up and goes to a bearhug. The match degenerates after that and Duggan really starts to stink up the joint. It’s the kind of performance to send him rocketing up the ‘worst wrestler’ list for my 1990 awards*. Bossman clobbers Duggan with a nightstick for the DQ and we just move on. BAD. 

 

*I already have Duggan at #2 and that’s only behind Andre, who is completely fucked.  

 

We have 70 minutes left and only the Rumble to go so we get chatter from various participants. Dino Bravo seems to want a feud with Ultimate Warrior. Why do you still have a job? Dusty wants a measure of revenge on Savage. Shawn Michaels, idiot that he is, gives away the booking by saying there’s no danger of him being in the ring with Marty Jannetty. You’re in the same match, dumbass! Marty is getting thrown out early and now we all know it. Shawn lasted 12 seconds in this one. TWELVE SECONDS. Hahaha.  

Warrior: “the power of the Ultimate Warrior has spread like a virus”. Oh no, let’s get everyone vaccinated against that immediately. Warrior also refers to “28 normal men” instead of 29, so I’m assuming he’s giving Hulk Hogan a pass. Or Andre? Who knows? Maybe he’s talking about the Red Rooster? His yellow IC title belt is sick, by the way, and I wish they still used it. He addresses the 29th man; Hulk Hogan. “You walk on horizons that are close to where I’ve been”. Huh? Does he know what the horizon is? Doesn’t that just mean Hogan is walking far away from him? This is one of many promos that makes Warrior sound exceptionally dumb.  

 

We get yet more comments after that. Randy Savage, as royalty, feels he should win. It’s funny that he lists his main rivals as Hogan, Andre, Roberts and Piper, completely overlooking Warrior. Rightly so. Hulk Hogan’s promo focuses on Hulkamania and how strong it is. “As strong as it’s ever been”. “At it’s peak”. Some people are saying there are more Hulkamaniacs now than at any point in history. It’s not just bluster anymore and he’s now lost his shine. Vince clearly thinks Warrior is ready to take his spot and our Terry is getting a wee bit nervous about it.  

 

Royal Rumble Match 

#1 is Ted DiBiase. This would begin a tradition of the WWF sticking a really talented guy in at the start to martial the match. The reward would be a nice long run in the match and often a push in the coming months. #2 is Koko B. Ware. He was in the WWF for seven years, which sounds like a long time for a midcarder but if it was modern WWF he would have done 20+ easy. #3 is Marty Jannetty. Ted works his way through the company’s goofiest high fliers. Marty lasted nine years in the company. He lasts about 60 seconds here. #4 is Jake Roberts, ending Ted’s fun.  

To really ramp things up #5 is Randy Savage. His attack on Jake implies knowledge of their future feud. “YOU LET THAT FUCKIN’ SNAKE BITE MEEEEE. FUCK YOU JAKEEEEEY”. Randy is wearing a sensational turquoise tights with flower print. He looks unhinged. #6 is Roddy Piper and we’re really going into the stars early here!   

See what I mean about those tights? Orange boots with them too. What a statement. #7 is Warlord. #8 is Bret Hart. Six guys in the ring, five of them in the Hall of Fame. #9 is Bad News Brown. This match suits him, unlike the Survivor Series. Jake gets thrown out here as Savage clotheslines him out while he’s calling for the DDT. Jake vs DiBiase would happen at Mania so it’s a bit strange it’s not Ted with the elimination. #10 is Dusty Rhodes. We’re only a third of the way through this! Dusty goes after Savage and backdrops him out. “STHEE YOU AT WESSLEMANIA DADDY!”  

 

#11 is Andre the Giant. After he throws out Warlord, Heenan and Fuji get into it on the floor. Every man(ager) for himself! I’m glad they’re starting to get a handle on that concept. #12 is Red Rooster. Andre tosses him out fairly quickly. Was it even worth getting dressed Terry? Piper throws Brown out and drags Roddy out too and they brawl down the aisle to set up Wrestlemania. That match man, it’s not good. #13 is Ax. #14 is Haku. #15 is Smash. All this is setting up the Colossal Connection vs. Demos at Wrestlemania. Colossal Connection was WWF’s solution to Andre not being able to wrestle singles anymore. Did they need to be tag team champions? No. Is he basically finished at this point? Yes.  

 

Ted DiBiase’s near eliminations have been worth a decent pop all night. That would be a theme of future Rumbles. Piper also did a good job of teasing spilling out of the ring. That Bad News feud feels like such a waste of a top guy. #16 is Akeem. Now Andre isn’t the worst worker in the ring. Demos knock Andre out of the ring. Dusty, the son of a bitch, quietly throws Bret out on the other side of the ring. So much for the Babyface Union. #17 is Jimmy Snuka. Is there a worse pairing in this whole match than Snuka vs. Akeem? The star power has really fallen off now. DiBiase and Dusty aside, there’s mostly drek out there. 

 

#18 is Dino Bravo. The drek continues. Everyone starts hugging the ropes and the match is utter shit. #19 is Earthquake. He’s on a decent push, with Hogan in his future, so he tosses Dusty out with minimal effort. Ted’s been in here for well over 30:00 now. #20 is Jim Neidhart. Everyone gangs up to throw Quake out because he’s the biggest threat. There’s almost no star power so it’s handy that #21 is Warrior. He’s a fucking shambles and just about manages to run one sequence with Bravo before backdropping him out. He is crazy uncoordinated for a top guy.  

 

#22 is Rick Martel. I’m watching Warrior and he has no idea what to do. He’s just randomly attacking people. Contrast this to Hogan in Rumble matches where you almost knew what he was going to do, but in a good way. #23 is Tito Santana, which gives us a nice scrap between him and Martel. This match has sorely been lacking that kind of thing. Way too much rope hugging. #24 is Honky Tonk Man. It’s a surprise they don’t treat Warrior better in the booking here, but he does throw out DiBiase, who did 44:47*. 

 

*This is a record, but it’s not mentioned at all. It would only last one year. Ricky Martel came in at 52:00 in 1991. Ric Flair would then do a full hour in 1992. You would think that record would have lasted for years but Bob Backlund was in for 61:10 just a year later in 1993. A record that lasted until 2004 when it was broken by Chris Benoit. Rey Mysterio is the longest ever in the Rumble match, setting a time of 62:12 in 2006.  

 

#25 is Hulk Hogan, the champ. Warrior immediately gets in his way while he’s throwing Snuka out. What a dimwit. Hulk throws Haku out too and the booking of Hogan is so different to Warrior. #26 is Shawn Michaels, who’s completely wasted at this stage and is immediately thrown out.  

Then we get down to business. Hogan and Warrior clear the ring out and the crowd just goes NUTS. They want this fight in a BIIIIIG way. Warrior is seen as the next big guy and Hogan is the current big guy. Let’s fucking goooo! If this was a test to see if the crowd would react for them as a big match it works. #27 is Barbarian. Here he is, beating up the two biggest stars in the company to no reaction at all. The stuff of dreams. #28 is Rick Rude but he’s in way early to get rid of Warrior and continue their feud.  

 

It’s interesting to note that Warrior saves Hogan from being thrown out. Oh buddy, you don’t know Terry. The heels go to throw Warrior out and Hogan’s “save” eliminates Warrior. Hahaha. That’s so good. That’s so Hogan. Warrior stomps off to the back like an idiot. With Hogan as the champion, you would think they’d have put Warrior over here? It would have made sense. #29 is Hercules. #30 is Mr Perfect. Nobody cares about this anymore. That jockass Hogan has ruined it for everyone.  

 

FINAL FOUR: Hulk Hogan, Rick Rude, Hercules and Mr Perfect. Rude bats Herc out so Hogan has to fight from underneath. Send Randy Savage out to Elbow Drop him back to his senses. Instead the Perfectplex does the job. Reviving finishers! Hogan throws Perfect out and wins. Another potentially better finish would have been Perfect winning, seeing as he was feuding with Hogan here and him losing effectively ends the interest in their forthcoming matches. But tell that to Terry and his fucking massive ego. To be fair, this is only his first Rumble win, but he didn’t need it.  

 

This Rumble match started out hot, went very cold in the middle and then heated up when they had Hogan vs Warrior. I don’t think this Rumble is a success. They did use it to sell various Wrestlemania contests but if they weren’t doing Hogan vs Warrior at Wrestlemania VI, what was the backup plan? **¾  

 

The 411: 

1990 is going to be a long year. It’s not that the WWF was struggling at this point, although it will be soon. It’s more that they don’t have the matches I want to see, nor that the crowd wants to see. Hulkamania is clearly struggling now but the alternative is Warrior, which is just worse. I can see how people became enchanted with Warrior because he was an alternative to Hogan, but he sucked. Where’s the good alternative? However, you look at the opening of the Rumble match and the talent is there. Ted DiBiase, Roddy Piper, Jake Roberts, Bret Hart, Randy Savage. At the end you have Mr Perfect and Rick Rude. There’s a good title feud in there somewhere. The WWF’s eventual solution to this was to bring back Sgt Slaughter from the failing AWA, put the belt on him and turn him into an Iraqi sympathiser. After him it was Sid, then Yokozuna. The size obsession is real.  

 

Oh, the show? Valentine-Garvin is good, the Rumble is alright and arguably the best one so far. Although, let’s be serious, it never meant anything until 1992 when the title was on the line and the title shots only started in 1993. That’s when it meant something. The rest of the card is crapola. Bushwhackers, Beefcake, Duggan, Brother Love. Urgh.