Adventures in Football #111: Mondpalast Arena (Westfalia Herne) 

 

NOVEMBER 16, 2024 

 

WESTFALIA HERNE vs. ARMINIA BIELEFELD (Landespokal Westfalen) 

 

I wake up Saturday morning after our double header on Friday and sit there reading my book for a few hours, check into my flight and update my spreadsheets and Dohmi is still asleep. It’s after 12 when he finally awakens from his slumber. We grab a quick lunch and head out. Kickoff is at 2pm! This is one of Germany’s many regional cups. Where jabronies like Herne can get drawn in against big teams like Bielefeld.  

 

Road parking is achieved, again, in fine form. We then have a pleasant walk through a park. We arrive at the ground and it’s 13:53. There is a massive queue to get in! Security is tough and I get a big hug off the security guy while he’s checking my hoodie for pyro/booze/knives. They’re very thorough. The popularity of this, as a contest, means the ground is packed out. We walk around and can’t find a decent view of the pitch. Ideally, when going to football, a minimum is being able to see both goals.  

We end up settling for a spot behind the dugout, where I can (just about) see both goals. The whole place stinks of weed, so obviously that wasn’t part of the pat-down process. Marijuana is not a good sports crowd drug. You want to get amped up at football, not mellowed out. I suppose you can’t really break out the cocaine. Pot is now legal in Germany.  

 

Another curio is Bielefeld brought drones to fly over the pitch and give the coaches a top-down view of the field of play. They’re out here playing Football Manager in 2D. Using drones, during a game, feels like cheating. Bielefeld, with their army of supporters, have a clear advantage anyway. This is the biggest difference between two teams I’ve seen in Germany. It’s clear Herne are the equivalent of non-league cloggers and Bielefeld are Birmingham City*.  

 

*I mean this in insulting fashion, to both teams.  

 

The ground has a large building on our side, which houses dressing rooms, the main stand and TV cameras. Across the way, and exposed to the elements, are Bielefeld’s supporters. There’s a heavy police presence and I think they may have misjudged the possibility of trouble here. Although I saw a bloke on the way to the ground who scared the shit out of me, so maybe I’m not seeing the bigger picture. The ground also has a running track, which would normally hurt the views but the views are no good already so who cares? 

This is the coach playing FM with his drone. We moved further along, behind the dugout, and if you leaned down the view was passable through the dugout’s glass. It looks filthy when I take a picture through it though. Blurmany! About 12 minutes in, Corboz slices a shot and it happens to go into the opposite corner he was aiming at. The keeper has no chance. It’s a total fluke. 0-1.  

Herne play a spirited game and are backed by the local children screaming “HERRRRRRNNNEEEEE”. The collection of local ultras are waving a flag and amusingly, it’s plain white. We surrender! The first half is all Bielefeld with the bulk of possession. Herne can only hope for a counter, led by a striker whose appearance, demeanour, style of play and socks all remind me of Steve Claridge.  

 

Bielefeld should double their advantage but a header from a free kick is chalked off for offside. Bielefeld have not been clinical around goal and it’s a poor performance from them in general against a team way below them in the league. It’s a rough game. The main amusement from the home fans is chanting about Bielefeld and laughing at the linesman when he breaks his flag. He is mocked, mercilessly, while the Bielefeld physio tapes his flag back up.  

Half time and Bielefeld haven’t done the job here. There’s a sense of optimism that one lucky goal on the break and they might crumble. That ends on 54’ when Stefano Russo dribbles right through the Herne defence and rolls it into the corner. 0-2. Game effectively over as Herne only had two shots in the entire first half and never looked like scoring. Seven minutes later a corner is headed down and drilled in from close range by Corboz, with his second of the day. 0-3. Totally finished now.  

With Bielefeld now comfortably in control they bring on some subs. They’ve been sat right in front of us all game, it’s nice to see them get some action. It turns out there’s some real talent on the bench and Bielefeld improve against a tiring Herne. American sub Isiah Young crosses and Biankadi, who you can see in the above photo, turns it in. 0-4. QUOTA REACHED.  

 

Bielefeld even have time to add a fifth from another sub, Sumbu, who was sat right in front of me all game. We do some quick maths and we have now maintained six goals per game, on average. I don’t know how this keeps happening.  

 

FINAL SCORE: HERNE 0 BIELEFELD 5 

It looks a lot smaller on camera, but that dot above the stand is the drone Bielefeld have used to mastermind this convincing cup win. On the way out I walk past some riot cops, and they’re armed! They’ve got pistols. Is that REALLY necessary? Anyway, we avoided being shot and walked back to the car. We then went to Trinkgut (the German version of an offy) and bought a lot of beers before heading back to Dohmi’s to watch wok racing and play darts. I got quite drunk, ngl. 

 

ATMOSPHERE 

It was decent. Bielefeld’s supporters were audibly there, and someone was playing a drum throughout. The noise on our side was a little less consistent. I blame the drugs. *** 

 

COST 

Unlike the previous two games, we saw a price hike here to 18 euros, which is still not that expensive. Although for that money, I could barely see the one end of the field. **½ 

 

QUALITY 

Handily the worst game of the weekend, Bielefeld did not impress at all until the latter stages. Whereby Herne, who are part timers, were knackered. ** 

 

EASE OF ACCESS 

This ground was nowhere near anything. Out in a cluster of housing estates and a bugger to get to by foot or bus. The nearest train station is 5 kilometers away. I’m adding in a complaint about views, which is never an issue at football. Although part of the blame is ours for leaving so late. ** 

 

MISC 

The most historic ground we visited over the weekend. You could feel the age and the history of the place. I liked the old-fashioned security gates and fences to keep supporters apart. It made the whole experience feel more important. *** 

 

OVERALL: 12.5 

Of all the grounds we visited this weekend, this is the one I would most likely to suggest going to. It has an air of history to it and is more worthwhile than a plastic pitch in a training academy. It’s a proper ground. However, I will always remember this as the game I couldn’t see without leaning forward on a fence through a dirty window. Which is not how football was meant to be viewed.