Adventures in Football #96: The Lamex Stadium (Stevenage FC)  

 

January 20, 2024 

 

STEVENAGE vs. BARNSLEY (League 1) 

 

Game day and we hit the road with news from Stevenage’s Twitter that the game is on. However, looking at their website, there’s a pitch inspection at 11am. Seeing as every single other game in the country that’s going to be called off has already been called off, I figure it’s just to satisfy the referee. Some chinless wonder by the name of Sam Purkiss.  

They decide to check it again at 1pm. By which point, we’re already in Luton to meet Mike Kilby, who is coming with us today. Chinless decides to call the game off. I would feel bad for Barnsley fans but they already support Barnsley, how much worse can it get? We had a few back up plans but Maria wants KFC so we head to Dunstable for said Kentucky Fried and find ourselves on our way to the backup game… 

 

Adventures in Football #96: Creasey Park (AFC Dunstable) 

 

January 20, 2024 

 

AFC DUNSTABLE vs. HADLEY FC (Southern League Division 1 Central)

 

My first thoughts on arriving at AFC Dunstable is that it’s not that cold. The pitch is not frozen in any area and it’s hard to believe that the pitch is fine here but frozen solid in nearby Stevenage. The one argument I can see is that Dunstable’s ground is far more open and there are no areas the sun can’t get to. Maybe at Stevenage the stands have blocked the sun in the corners. It’s possible. It’s also possible it was never going to thaw out and chinless up there should have called it off at 11am.  

Anyway, welcome to historic Creasey Park where it’s a tenner to watch the football unless you’re an actual child then it’s free. Kids, get down to Creasey Park! I get there, along with Maria, and Mike isn’t there. Seeing as he’s the local, we expected him to beat us to it but he didn’t. It turns out his killer sense of direction took him into completely the wrong car park. He heads off to move his car into the actual car park and we head in.  

 

One thing we’ve noticed by going to non-league grounds, regardless of their location, is that every single one of them has a pile of crap somewhere. AFC Dunstable are elite tier for this. The Kings of the Pile of Crap. ***** for Piles of Crap. The Pile of Crap Hall of Fame.  

 

Let me walk you around scenic Creasey Park. The turnstiles are these lovely, tiny, old fashioned gimmicks. I fumbled around trying to find £20 for our entrance fee and the fella was all “we take cards”. BOSH. £20 spent. In we go! Because I never clear out spare notes in my wallet, I have dollars, Euros and Swedish krone in there. It’s sometimes hard to find any English money (usually because I haven’t got any). The staff are nice and Mike buys me a program from the vendor while he’s getting 50-50 tickets. Spoiler: he didn’t win.  

We take a tour, taking in various piles of crap. This is our first stand. The Aaron Bateman Stand. “In spite of it all, life is beautiful”. It seems to be a tribute to a fallen fan and I respect that. It’s a tidy little shed end for the ultras.  

Next up on the tour is this seated area on the far side of the pitch. You’ll notice a distinct lack of punters over here and that’s because it’s bloody freezing. It’s the coldest part of the ground. Maria initially wants to sit here until discovering that’s it’s this cold. I believe this was called the Simon Spillane Stand. I’ll take five rows of plastic seats at this level. Very much fit for purpose. Moving on! 

PLANK! 

The away end is a delightfully tiny little stand with four steps and a natural terrace behind it. Sadly, you’re not allowed to climb the bank. Presumably for health and safety purposes. Seeing as we saw a ball boy fall down it retrieving an errant shot, this is probably for the best. Behind it is the cage around the plastic training pitches used by the youth teams. The set up is solid all round. I’d be happy with this as a local facility and I respect the continued use of grass on the main pitch. It looks pukka too. Well played, groundsman.  

It’s a bit nippy and there’s 15 mins to kick off, so we head into the Cross Bar (ha, I see what they did there). There’s nothing terribly exciting on tap but I do grab a pint of Greene King Ice Breaker. A beer so uncharacterisictally not crap that Mike once emailed Greene King to backhand complement them on it. £5.30 for the honour of drinking it out of a reusable plastic glass. Maria gets herself a coffee, after borrowing a fiver off me. “I left my card in the car”. Sure, sure. Mike goes for a non-league hot chocolate to keep his hands warm.  

Outside the game starts and we head out to a luxury standing spot just to the right of the dugouts. I love being close to the dugouts so you can hear all the yelling and profanity from the bench. Just as I’m starting to suspect this will be a cold day with not much happening a bloke behind us empties the bin out onto the floor. What is he doing? The steward strolls over to ask him but no repercussions are forthcoming. I assume he dropped something in there but we’re off to a flier!  

This is our view of the action, including rotund linesman. The coaching staff for AFC Dunstable are remarkably calm. The voices are raised but there’s no swearing at all. I don’t think I heard a single F-Bomb from the bench all afternoon long. Do they have a swear jar here? Is that why the profanity is sorely lacking? Not a single “fuck’s sake” all day long. As I’m noting “Swear Jar?” in my notes, Hadley score. I look around for cameras and can’t see any. I’ll never see that goal. I ask Mike what happened. “They had a shot. It went in”. Cheers mate. 

Hey, there’s no climbing the bank! Health and safety, get down from there. Hadley’s fans are having a lovely time. One of them has a San Marino flag. As if the club has a branch of supporters from San Marino who’ve come over for the game. The travelling fans have six flags. SIX. There’s only seven of them. Did the one geezer forget his flag? “1-0 to the Hadley boys” rings out across chilly Creasey Park. This is what football is all about.  

 

DRAMA. Around 15 minutes into the game another referee shows up. Apparently, he was supposed to take this game but was late. The linesman is reffing and we’ve got a member of the club staff taking his spot on the line. The lino, who’s the ref, jogs over to tell him off in front of everyone. “You can take the flag, but you can’t take the middle”. It’s an FA directive! Late ref, or bald ref as he would become known, opts to sit out the first half. Take the flag, you coward! Based on his performance in the second half, he seems like the kind of guy who doesn’t want to play second fiddle to anyone.  

 

Before half-time AFC Dunstable turn on the style. Ethan Holt swings a pass out to the wing and it’s fired across into the box for Bobby Knight to strike. 1-1. A few minutes later Holt himself finds space for a shot and a left foot swinger trickles past the keeper at his near post. 2-1. Hadley had been far the better team and got done twice by a lack of concentration and, in the case of the equaliser, a delightful pass above the standard of this league.  

The second half kicks off and bald ref takes over in the middle. He’s picky and authoritarian. I hate him. The free flowing, if somewhat scrappy, football of the first half rapidly disappears and the game becomes patchy. It’s a poor officiating performance. He should have done everyone a favour and fucked off home after turning up late. The linesman was a much better referee. Referees who want to be the centre of attention are a blight on the sport. 

I nip to the bogs and on the way back there’s a huge penalty claim. I didn’t get a good look at it but Mike tells me he thought it was pretty clear cut. I’ve captured the AFC coach yelling “REF”. Another poor decision in a string of them. Hadley are the better team again in the second half, but their high defensive line is frequently breached by a young AFC Dunstable starting XI. The Hadley fans remain in good voice, giving us their rendition of “Zombie” by the Cranberries, replacing “Zombie” with “Hadley” and the rest of the lyrics with “come on the reds”. Delores O’Riordan spinning in her grave lads but it was in key, to be fair.  

The ref makes another terrible decision, leaving a player lying on the pitch with a head injury, and instead admonishes the AFC manager for daring to point out the rules of the game to him. One of the rules of the game is the referee is supposed to turn up before kick off, you bald cunt. He’s bantered back onto the pitch by the fans, taking it in turns to abuse his performance and appearance. He fully deserves every word.  

Maria decides she’s going to get us out of here quickly and heads to “warm up the car” near the full time whistle. That’s code for “I’m too cold now, let’s go home”. I stand near the exit waiting for the jobsworth ref, who’s decided to add six minutes of stoppage time. It’s cold. Everyone wants to go home. We patiently wait for the end as Hadley narrowly miss with an overhead kick and then hit the post at 90+5’.  

 

FULL TIME: AFC Dunstable 2 Hadley FC 1  

 

Let’s pop up some ratings, now I’ve thawed out the following day.  

 

ATMOSPHERE: 

The Hadley fans had a good sing song and the AFC fans had a nice time abusing the bald ref in the second half. Not much happening but for the level, I enjoyed myself. *½ 

 

COST: 

A tenner to get in is decent value for a standard game of football. I remember being somewhat annoyed at paying the same for Malvern and this is at the same tier. Other clubs did me better deals around £5-6 but kids get in free so we’ll call it *** 

 

QUALITY: 

There was quite a lot of head tennis and hopeful long balls. The occasional bit of class was the exception, rather than the rule, but considering the cold weather conditions the players did themselves proud. I’ll go **½  

 

EASE OF ACCESS: 

Public transport looks tricky, I’m not going to lie to you. The nearest train station looks to be Luton and a bus from there is hourly. However, it does get bonus points because we parked right next to the ground and drove straight out immediately after the game. Watch you don’t park too close to the ground though, as any shots at the shed end are likely to dent your roof. **½ 

 

MISC: 

Honestly, I enjoyed this ground. The bar was nice. It was cosy. They had bits of memorabilia on the walls. The facilities were decent. There was plenty of space to watch the game however you liked to watch it. Everything was on top of the pitch. They had a snack bar with a serving hatch. I had a nice pint while we were watching the game. It was an interesting ground to have a poke around at. I’ll go ***½.  

 

OVERALL: 13 

This is a better score than I gave Tottenham btw and only trails similar Malvern Town because Malvern beat Redditch. Will this get mentions at the end of the season? Nah, but then neither would Stevenage. I had a nice time and as far as backup games go, this worked out fine. It was nice to spend the afternoon chatting to Mike about football.