WWE Royal Rumble 2024 (1.27.24) review 

 

January 27, 2024 

 

Hi, I’m here because I dreamed that I reviewed this show and because the Network is going, which means I don’t think I can finish my 80s-90s odyssey piece, and I must come back to modern wrestling. For better or worse. I have considered this show from all kinds of angles. Please don’t consider me writing about contemporary wrestling an endorsement of the WWE. I do not condone the WWE’s feigned ignorance of Vince McMahon’s behaviour and his sexual abuse of WWE employees (which dates back to the fucking 1980s, come on people). Just because that rapist is gone from the company doesn’t mean shit. His odious stench still remains and probably will forever.  

 

Now, the positives. I feel like wrestling is about to turn a corner. The vibes I’ve been getting are all ‘the whole thing has bottomed out’. The only way is up. This is the start of a boom period. Kevin Dunn’s departure means people are free to do creative things with production for the first time in over 30 years. I love that the company hasn’t named all of the fucking participants ahead of time and I’ve tried to stay offline for a few days so I don’t get spoilered as to some of the surprises. I refused to stay up to 1am to watch this live but I’m hitting this Sunday morning for your enjoyment.  

 

We’re in St Petersburg, Florida. Hosts are Michael Cole and Corey Graves. Some streaming services have developed a thing where you can remove the commentators and just listen to the atmosphere in the building. I would like to see that introduced. The host for the intro is racist liar Hulk Hogan. Before we get underway, we’re joined by a third commentator; Pat McAfee. It’s so weird watching three happy commentators. All content in the knowledge that they’ll spend the next four hours without some horny asshole screaming into their ears.  

 

Women’s Royal Rumble Match 

They only named EIGHT competitors for this match. Imagine the possibilities. #1 is Natalya. #2 is NAOMI. I guess she’s forgiven the company for treating her like shit. Her hair is amazing. Amay-yay-yay-yay-zin. Crowd is pumped already. You throw out a popular surprise right off the bat and now the crowd is thinking…what else is coming? The work is awful but hey. #3 is Bayley. The good news here is that the crowd are in and the product feels fresh. The bad news is the normal clusterfuck issues of the Rumble have kicked in and we’ve only got three people in here. #4 is Candace LeRae. #5 is Jordynne Grace, on loan from TNA, as Corey starts popping off TNA booking of late. What is happening?  

 

Not only have WWE borrowed another company’s champion but they’re making her look strong. What the fuck? And talking about the current storyline in another company. What has happened? I guess TNA doesn’t threaten anyone here. Who else might show up? #6 is Indi Hartwell. “We’ve never had two winners” says Cole, still pretending (even in this new era) that the Bret-Luger finish never happened. #7 is Asuka. She buddies up with Bayley. #8 is Ivy Nile. I don’t know who that is. It’s telling how little wrestling I’ve watched in recent years when I watch these shows. #9 is Katana Chance. The last time I watched her work she was called Kacy Catenzaro. #10 is Bianca Belair.  

 

Look, I love Bianca, but she does the 10 count punches in the corner like a dumbass. Someone should just toss her out. #11 is Kairi Sane. I didn’t even know they’d talked her into coming back. It’s amazing how quickly I can fall out of the loop. The ring is too full, and Bianca really should have been booked to clear it out a bit. #12 is Tegan Nox. I love that Cole is still referring to her as “the girl with the Shiniest Wizard”. I’ve heard that announced in buildings with 150 people in. To hear it on a PPV is nuts. Her hair is amazing too. She has a little frenemies bit with Natalya and Bayley chucks them both out. #13 is Kayden Carter. Kairi’s near elimination is incredible before she drops out. Bayley’s lost all her backup. #14 is Chelsea Green. Grace’s elimination feels like a big deal as she takes the KOD on the apron after skinning the cat. I can’t believe how strong they booked her. I guess it’s an incentive to show other companies that times are changing around here. #15 is Piper Niven.  

 

Piper is another powerhouse, like Bianca, who dominates but doesn’t throw anyone out. The ring has been busy all match. Loads of dead weight in there like Nile, Carter and Kacy. #16 is Xia Li. #17 is Zelina Vega. The WWE’s LWO is probably going to last longer than the WCW one. Everyone is just lying around now. Really low effort stuff. #18 is Maxxine Dupri. Whomst? How many matches have you had kid? I love that she gets her character over in 30 seconds without doing any movez. #19 is Nia Jax. She starts throwing out the dead weight. Chelsea Green being out on her feet produces a beautiful “Weekend at Bernies” call from Corey. #20 is Shotzi Blackheart in a mini tank.  

 

The central story has become Piper vs. Nia and everyone else vs. Nia. Everyone knows she’s a big threat. She’s basically the same size as Piper though, and they didn’t book Piper that strong. Nia gets rid of her once she survives the gang attack. #21 is Becky Lynch. FUCK HER UP BECKS. Break her face. #22 is Alba Fyre (who I know as Kay Lee Ray). Apart from messing up a slam on Piper Niven, Nia has looked ok. They’ve kept her basic. #23 is Shayna Baszler. #24 is Valhalla but she’s overtaken by R-Truth, who’s in the wrong match. Nia throws him out. And Valhalla. #25 is Michin (Mia Yim).  

 

#26 is Zoey Stark. She looks strong and the WWE are clearly keen on her to be the next big star. #27 is Roxanne Perez. Nia throws some more people out. #28 is Jade Cargill. Speaking of ‘next big star’. Jade has all the tools and just needs the reps. She powers Nia up TWICE and throws her out. Jade has arrived. The temptation is just push her to the moon but she needs those reps. Have her win a bunch of house shows against Natalya. #29 is Tiffany Stratton. This is another one that the WWE has earmarked for stardom, and she is good enough in the ring already to make an impact. You could put the belt on her now. #30 is Liv Morgan.  

 

So, who’s left. Naomi, Bayley, Bianca Belair, Becky Lynch, Zoey Stark, Roxanne Perez, Jade Cargill, Tiffany Stratton and Liv Morgan. Nine women left. That’s still a full ring and it has been all match. They could have definitely spiced up the eliminations instead of saving them for Nia in clumps. Effectively the entire match was been to build up Nia so Jade can throw her out. That’s all they’ve really achieved. Now the ring is full, they start having people get thrown out. Zoey and Perez out. That leaves seven women, who could all realistically win. Which is pretty rare for Rumbles. There’s usually some makeweight in there they want you to cheer but can’t win.  

They’ve got something special here. This Jade-Bianca tease is selling me on that match. I can’t wait but I’ll have to. Jade throws out Becky and Naomi. Holy shit. This is a star making performance already. Tiffany holds on to Bianca’s braid to stay in but Bayley kicks them both out.  

 

FINAL FOUR: (URGH, THREE, FINAL THREE); Bayley, Jade Cargill and Liv Morgan. How do you even take Jade out of this here? All three of them go to the apron and Liv manages to hurl Jade off but Bayley tips her off with a kick and Bayley takes it. This was sublimely well booked.  

The in-ring action was patchy and a lot of the match had too much lying around and too many dudes in there. However, the way it was booked and the way it finished so hot is a big win in my book. I really enjoyed this. Clearly the right winner too as the crowd were into her from the start. ***½ 

 

There’s an advert in here for SlimJim, who I thought had pulled their sponsorship over the Vince McMahon lawsuit but here we are.  

 

WWE Championship 

Roman Reigns (c) vs. Randy Orton vs. AJ Styles vs. LA Knight 

The Bloodline got rid of Orton and AJ with injuries before this so they’re both coming back hot about it. Knight just got screwed over on a PPV. Not sure that puts him on the same page. He’s bizarrely popular with the crowd though. It’s pretty clear they’ve had to shoehorn him in and have deliberately put him in here, so he doesn’t get the disruptive chants in the Rumble match.   

 

1,245 days (about 3 and a half years) as champion for Roman. He’s coming for Hogan’s 1984-88 record. The difference between this reign and Hogan’s couldn’t be more obvious. Hogan was always booked strong and the only time he came close to losing before being screwed over by Earl Hebner was the double exit cage match against Paul Orndorff. Roman barely hangs onto that strap every time he sets foot in the ring.  

Multiple people matches are usually quite bad unless they plan meticulously. This one is a hot mess. Pop for Roman selling the individual parts of the Garvin Stomp and making a shitty move look amazing though. Each guy does bring something. AJ the bumps and flying. Orton the smoothness, holding it all together. Roman the presence and star power. Knight the crowd reactions.  

 

In another unsurprising development Solo saves the belt with Orton having won it. Lots of dumb ‘storytelling’ follows. There’s stupid overselling and weird decisions. Roman has two guys beaten and just stands around waiting for AJ Styles to recover and jump back in. The crowd thinks it’s awesome. I think it sucks. But then I have had a detachment to Roman’s entire reign because it’s been chock full of shitty overbooked matches.  

 

The garbage overselling continues as both Knight and Orton lie around selling the Samoan Spike like death for multiple minutes. This is what I mean when I say that multiple person matches are hard to land. They run through some more weird, convoluted stuff and Roman beats AJ with the spear. This was so long. Painfully so. Without looking I’m guessing at 45 minutes. I’ll check before posting*. How is there still TWO HOURS left on this show? I miss the timekeeping of the 1980s shows already.  

 

*19 minutes. It felt much, much longer.  

 

WWE United States Championship 

Logan Paul (c) vs. Kevin Owens 

Logan Paul has done an extraordinary job of becoming a wrestler out of nothing. He may have picked up wrestling, on this level, quicker than anyone else in history. It’s a shame Prime is so bad. You can’t be good at everything, brother. Owens gets to control the pace of this and he is great at wrestling. He’s good at striking, grappling and brawling. He uses all of that to beat the piss out of Logan. The chops and the release German suplex are wonderful. Paul throwing in flying and targeted abuse of the hand of Owens is great stuff for someone so inexperienced. An effective twofold attack. 

 

Paul does feel like he rushes from one spot to the next a little too quickly, but he does have intelligence beyond his experience. As I’m typing, he does an awful 619 attempt and now I hate him. Logan, mate, you were doing so well. Don’t add bad spots to your good repertoire. Owens does a lovely bit of selling where he doesn’t use the right arm on a pin and Cole even picks up on it. Logan just about lands the Buckshot Lariat. He gets a wee bit lost on the rotation. Kevin continues the sneaky good selling by avoiding using his right arm.  

 

This is true again on the Stunner and Pop Up Powerbomb attempts. They make a bad choice by having one of Logan’s entourage interfere. Austin Theory gives the brass knucks to Logan. Owens takes them but the ref spots them and it’s a DQ. That’s a good finish. I like the creativity. Honestly, this was a really good match. Well put together and helped both guys going forwards. Kevin carried the flow of the match, but Logan looked great when he was on top. Fair fucking play. ***½  

 

Sam Irwin announces the attendance as 48,044. If they’ve not worked that number, that’s a big number. They were on 40,000+ yesterday so either they sold a load on the day or they’ve gimmicked it to record numbers for a laugh. One of the few things that’s bugged me tonight is the sheer use of the word “superstar”. Someone bring back “wrestler”. Begging you.  

 

Men’s Royal Rumble Match 

#1 is Jey Uso. #2 is Jimmy Uso. What are the odds, huh? Well, let’s just say I called it the second Jey walked out there. Cole references Summerslam, which was my breaking point in 2023. I couldn’t face a five hour show with Roman vs Jey on it. I went outside for a walk instead. #3 is Grayson Waller. #4 is Andrade, back from AEW. He sure didn’t do anything in his time away. #5 is Carmelo Hayes. A lot of bad dancy workers in there now.  

 

#6 is Shinsuke Nakamura. Can he carry five guys? Maybe if it was 2015. #7 is Santos Escobar. A lot of very samey workers so far. Lots of thigh slappers. #8 is Karrion Kross. He is also a thigh slapper. The match has been flaming hot garbage so far. It’s been way less interesting than the women’s match. #9 Dominik Mysterio. Oh hey, someone who’s actually over. #10 is Carlito. So, a third of the match is gone and nothing has happened. Biggest pop is for the apple spit into Escobar’s face. 

 

#11 is Bob Lashley. A big roided up freak who just lobs people around is like a breath of fresh air compared to everyone else. The Authors of Pain show up, which makes a change. I was left waiting in Nottingham boys. I was left waiting! The distraction (wrestlers are dumb) leads directly to Lashley being dumped and the Street Profits run out for a big scrap at ringside. #12 is Ludvig Kaiser, the former Axel Dieter Jr. Arguably the only guy in the ring who loves Pat Roach. This match doesn’t allow him to play to his technical strengths. #13 is Austin Theory. #14 is Finn Balor. #15 is Cody Rhodes. Business is about to pick up. 

 

#16 is Bronson Reed. The former Jonah Rock. I like his size, but he’s never had a great match (that I’ve seen). #17 is Kofi Kingston. Cody dismissively dumps Nakamura. #18 is Gunther. He is displeased with Kaiser for getting dumped right before he got in. I love how Gunther just chops people and he’s mega over. Keep it simple boys. Speaking of which, Kofi gets dumped without doing a ‘I nearly got eliminated’ spot. #19 is Ivar. Big Lads Wrestling. Ivar has intensity and power. I love it. Reed needs some of that intensity and don’t mean roaring at people. It has to be in the moves. #20 is Bron Breakker.  

 

Speaking of intensity. The speed Bron gets hitting the ropes is magical. Dragon Gate shit. The match is finally picking up some steam. #21 is Omos. He’s very tall. It’s not fair really. Incidentally the Bron Breakker run is the men’s Jade Cargill. He’s looked like a star. #22 is Pat McAfee. He’s all “what?” He’s still in a suit and headphones. Pat takes one look at Omos and eliminates himself. Bron breaks a rule by eliminating Omos during an entrance and Dom throws Bron out too. What a mess. #23 is JD McDonut. #24 is R-Truth, finally in the correct Rumble. I like that he had the same number as the spot he tried to enter at earlier. Truth gets a hot tag off Dom in a tremendous spot. #25 is Miz.  

 

#26 is Damian Priest. He already has a title shot. What’s he doing here? I’ve lost count of how often Dom has been in someone’s way during this match, which is basically the biggest faux pas going. Why even have him in the match for 20+ minutes? #27 is CM Punk. IT’S CLOBBERIN TIME! He catches Miz with a neckbreaker and high knee in some of the most fluid work of the entire match. Honestly, most of that is Miz’s timing. Nicely done. #28 is Ricochet, who is friends with a convicted paedophile and shouldn’t appear on Twitter jabronies lists of “wholesome wrestlers”. He enters to silence. Ideal reaction. #29 is Drew McIntyre. He’s a big, strong, believable worker. Gunter ends Jey Uso’s dream at 50 minutes. Bye. #30 is Sami Zayn. 

 

Left in the match are; Cody Rhodes, Gunther, Damian Priest, CM Punk, Ricochet, Drew McIntyre and Sami Zayn. Seven guys, much better than the women’s match at the same point. Although, long term storytelling is only on Cody and Gunther who came in earlier than everyone else by some distance. The main story, coming in, is Cody and Punk going to Mania. But which one of them wins this? I like Sami as the underdog but Drew throws him out. 

 

FINAL FOUR: Cody, Gunter, Punk & Drew. Cody vs. Gunther was last year’s final two. Cody is the longest tenured guy in the match with over 30 minutes. Gunther and Drew tell a little story about who can chop their guy the hardest. It feels like they’re setting up for Mania. Punk catches Drew mouthing off and lifts him out of the ring. Cody does the same to Gunther. And we come down to the two guys who are going to Mania.  

 

Cody vs. Punk. The latter looks a little rusty and his bumps don’t have the required snap. He’s not wrestled since last summer to be fair. Both guys look tired. It does sell the nature of the match I suppose.  

It gets all sluggish and dramatic as both guys hit their finishers for no real reason. Maybe to determine which guy the crowd prefer. They both glance up at the WrestleMania sign. “I didn’t wait 10 years to lose to Dusty’s kid”. Cody counters another GTS and uses Punk being off balance as a way to throw him out and win back to back Rumbles. The first guy to do so since Austin in the late 90s. Not the best of matches. 

 

Funniest outcome here;  

 

 

Cody basically calls out Roman Reigns. Go for Seth Rollins, it’s a much easier win.  

 

The 411: 

Wrestling in 2024 is in a unique position. So many stars of their respective domains have either moved or are winding down their careers. It’s a new age. Which makes it ironic that WWE are headlining Mania with the exact same match that headlined last year, with the exact same story. It shows how long they’ve been in this boring holding pattern. I have faith that this is the year where everything changes.  

 

Look at the top stars of wrestling in 2023. Ospreay has moved to America. Okada is moving to America. Omega is out injured for probably the entire year. Reigns’ story is heading towards the conclusion. Rollins is injured and will probably take time off. Nature abhors a vacuum. Stars will be made in the next 12 months. It’s an exciting time to be a fan.  

 

Was this a killer show? No. Neither Rumble match killed it, although they made a point of showcasing Jade Cargill and Bron Breakker in the process. The title match was so boring but Logan Paul vs. Kevin Owens was tremendous. If wrestling can clean up its business and finally rid the back rooms and locker rooms of the sex offenders, we could be heading into a golden age.  

 

Forever hopeful – AF.