Adventures in Football 98-100 (Salford, Arbroath, Hibs)

Adventures in Life: Maria’s Birthday Week

Hiya.

Something a bit different this week. I’m going to detail the birthday trip I took with my wife. We started out on a Tuesday and came home on a Monday. So, basically an entire week of driving around the UK and going places. This will involve some football, some drinking and some walking around and stuff. Join us as I blog my way through an unplanned journey.

DAY 1:

Tuesday February 27, 2024

There are only three things written in stone for this trip and one of them is tonight’s Salford City vs. Colchester United game. We’re staying in a hotel near the ground and beyond that, the day is ours. Let’s attack the day!

11:30AM

We head out into the North. Destination: Manchester. Roughly a two-hour drive from home. Why are we starting out so late? The original plan was to grab lunch on route but we’re on this thing called “Filipino Time”, which usually means being late. I always used to be so punctual too.

1:30PM

We arrive at the hotel, which is as close to the Salford ground as I can find. The plan being to walk to the ground because parking is non-existent. It starts raining the second we hit Manchester airspace, because of course it does, which causes me to abandon our attempts at something healthy; a walk around the local wetlands. The original balance of this holiday was supposed to be like one third football, one third walking, one third drinking. We’re already out of whack.

MILES DRIVEN: 107

2:30PM

It continues to rain. We’ve checked in but the heating doesn’t work in our room. Reception is quite helpful and the maintenance man, “Guy”, is on hand to come and try to fix it. He can’t and we get moved to another room. A pity as the initial room is mint and the new one is significantly smaller. They did their best. The hotel is the Hazeldean on Bury New Road if anyone is looking for accommodation for a Salford game. The pastries at breakfast were marvellous.

3PM

We leave the hotel, with an umbrella, and walk to nearby Prestwich in search of a pint. Prestwich looked quite nice when we drove through it but, due to the rain, we go into the first pub we see, which is the Red Lion.

3:40PM

Red Lion, Prestwich. I sink a pint of Trailblazer Stout from the local brewery; Joseph Holt. Joey Holt seems to have a stranglehold on the local area and all the pubs sell his beer. Maria, intent on confusing the bar staff, orders two different halves of lager in an attempt to try new things. Holt’s “Crystal” is dire, frankly. The other, “Diamond”, is perfectly ok. Maria asks if they do food and they do not. The bar is full of ‘characters’. Colourful locals out for a pint on a Tuesday afternoon. It’s surprisingly busy.

PINTS DRUNK: 1

4:30PM

We turn around and head back to the hotel, stopping off at the only other pub on route, the Friendship Inn. This is also a Joseph Holt pub. In here I go with their Bitter, which is very pleasant and my favourite of the Holt range thus far. The pub has the same owners but couldn’t be more different. It’s full of families, eating early dinners. I smash a gammon & chips, the start of a dire series of dietary choices. The only bad thing about the Friendship Inn is the second beer I get has a dirty glass. It’s a shame because the food and drinks land. My second beer is Holt’s “Black”, a dark ale, which tastes like a mild.

PINTS DRUNK: 3

6:30PM

Back to the Hazeldean and we start examining the weird lights on the walls, which are contained in boxes. It turns out the place is surrounded by synagogues and has a strong Jewish clientele. The weird boxes are Shabbat lamps and I have to explain to people on Maria’s facebook, who have been guessing, what they are. Someone suggests I should go on TikTok doing explaining videos. On the way back to the hotel we drop into a local shop to get sweets, water and wine. The diet of champions.

7:30PM

After a short walk to the Peninsula Stadium, aka Moor Lane, we have arrived at this evening’s entertainment. Please forgive me as I switch to Adventures in Football to explain.

ADVENTURES IN FOOTBALL #98: PENINSULA STADIUM (SALFORD CITY FC)

February 27, 2024

SALFORD CITY vs. COLCHESTER UNITED (League 2)

It’s a pokey ground, one of the football league’s smallest. Our stand only has four rows of seats, which is even smaller than Harrogate, but also has a row at the back for standing. The away fans are in a shed to our right. Salford fans have a standing area off to the left. The opposite side is more seating with slightly more rows and much less atmosphere. There’s no concourse. There’s a food shack on the end of the stand and around the back is Bucks Bar.

Maria, once again, spots a mascot in the wild and snaps this photo with Billy the Lion. It does also allow me to show you Bucks Bar, which was quite spacious. Gary Neville’s musical choices have moved over from Man Utd to here and they play “This is the One” by the Stone Roses before the match. I would accuse Gary of nabbing it from Utd but it was his idea, by all accounts, to have it as the music at Man Yoo.

There’s a lot of this business at Salford. Flags and banners and whatnot. The crowd, basically a big non-league outfit, doesn’t seem to fit the theme. The standing at the back of this stand is inspired though. It’s a constant stream of vitriol and banter from the lads behind us. We sat right in that top row. The row was completely empty, apart from us, and our original seats were down front but the weather had soaked them, in spite of the roof. Manchester rain is unparalleled.

There’s one particularly vocal fan behind me who seems to yell the first thing that comes into his head. There’s a Col U fan in a yellow shirt that draws his ire throughout. Referring to him as a “custard cream”. “Get a jumper on, your tits must be rock hard”. It’s a small enough ground that the banter carries to the away fans. The evening is quite cold and you can see steam coming off the players heads.

Callum Morton, “the ginger Pele”, has a good game off the left wing for Salford. He gets in with a ball over the top and cuts it back to Matt Smith for Salford to score. 1-0. 45’ played. Colchester were probably the better team in the first half so that’s against the run of play. I’ve seen Colchester twice recently and twice they were the better team without winning.

Visiting manager Danny Cowley is not a popular man and every time he emerges from his dugout he receives a stream of abuse. There is a lot of hated going on here and I understand both sides have had poor seasons, but it’s a toxic atmosphere. Or is it just banter? Where is the line drawn?

In the second half Salford are much better and should make it 2-0 when Kyrell Malcolm fires over from close range. The fans latch on to Col U striker John Akinde, who told someone to “shat up” earlier and is now getting that banter thrown back at him. He’s subbed off. “SHAT UP”. A big grin from the Col U man as he heads over to Cowley. Out of nothing Colchester equalise. 1-1. 75’ played and suddenly Colchester take over again. Salford outplayed them for half an hour in the second half but they’re holding on at the death for a draw.

As we head out the crowd are still screaming abuse at the linesman, who received abuse from before kick-off. I’m not sure why, although he definitely got one key offside call wrong and seemed scared to make decisions afterwards.

FINAL SCORE: SALFORD 1 COLCHESTER 1

Right, let’s score this ground so we can move on to the next stop!

ATMOSPHERE:

Colchester helped here by turning up lively and there was certainly plenty of yelling, if not chanting. It wasn’t so much that the Salford support their team but turn up to make noise at whoever. There was a surprising about of hate aimed at their own players! ***½

COST:

It was £15 to get into a league game. I don’t think I’ve ever paid so little. ****½

QUALITY:

The game was scrappy. Both teams struggled to get going at times and the game ebbed and flowed unevenly because of it. Chilvers, of Col U, aside, there was very little quality on display. **

EASE OF ACCESS:

It’s nowhere near public transport links. The train station is 3 miles away. There is no parking. Either at the ground or in the surrounding residential area, which is permit controlled. It’s almost as bad as Solihull. We circumvented it by staying so close that we were ten minutes walk from the ground but it’s terrible. *

MISC:

For a league ground, this is sorely lacking in everything. The roof doesn’t even cover the seats properly. It feels like a non-league ground. One of those new ones with no quirks. I didn’t bother with food because the queue was massive, and the bar was rammed. Completely inadequate in every way. *

TOTAL: 12

Hey, I appreciate how cheap it is! You’ll be hard pressed to find a cheaper ticket for a football league game. The atmosphere wasn’t bad either and Salford are certainly trying to project the heart and soul of a league team, but the ground is naff. It has no feel of history about it. I’m guessing they’re ‘creating their history’ now but that doesn’t work for me, brother.

DAY 2:

Wednesday February 28, 2024

10AM

We have no idea what we’re doing today. Originally, I’d planned to take us up to the Lake District and go for a stroll around up there. Maybe even go and climb Scafell Pike but the weather has ruined that plan entirely. As we figure something out, I notice Maria’s belongings seem to have multiplied overnight. Like Mogwai. I’m notoriously neat and tidy as a traveller and try to stick to one small rucksack. She’s brought four bags. I ask Maria how she liked day one of our trip and she ranks it 8/10, which I feel is generous to both the weather and Salford. We drink some coffee and make plans.

11AM

Maria, who is about to have a birthday so is the boss here, wants to go to Jolibee, which is a Filipino fast-food place. They have one in Leeds, so off we go.

MILES DRIVEN: 147

12PM

As we walk from the car park to Jolibee, Maria drops a 2p piece and it rolls down an entire hill on its side. I have never seen such perfection.

12:20PM

Jolibee, Leeds. The queue is enormous and the place is packed with Filipinos. If you want to get a load of Filipino people in one place, just advertise a Jolibee opening. They’ll come in droves. The only Jolibee I’ve ever been to is in the Philippines, so it’s a bit odd to see how different their menus are here. They also have those fast-food tablet things that you order on. I get a spicy chicken burger, which is decent but a bit dry. Call it ***½. Love the sauce. Gravy topped dirty fries, which have chicken on them, are pretty good. ***½. The peach and mango pie, with ice cream, is the winner here though. ****. Also, I love they have pineapple juice as a drink option. It beats a diet fucking coke any day of the week. As we eat we plan our next move. We’re going to Newcastle.

MILES DRIVEN: 247

3PM

Arrive at Jesmond, a somewhat less attractive part of Newcastle. I’ve arranged to meet Maffew from Botchamania for a drink. He can’t stay long because he’s at work in the evening, but we have a cracking chinwag for an hour or so. It’s great to see him and I’ve not spoken to him, in person, since 16 Carat 2020. I’m sorry I made him come to Whites Hotel for a beer. The hotel is only £30 though, so it’s hard to argue with that kind of city centre value. That said…the heating doesn’t work (a common theme), the lamp doesn’t work, there’s clear water damage on the ceiling of the bathroom and we had to pay a £50 security deposit because of unsavoury types “doing things” in the rooms. Hmm, thanks for that imagery, Jesmond.

PINTS DRUNK: 4

6PM

After Maria has taken a nap (there’s been a lot of driving) we head out to Quayside for some drinks. It is, naturally, raining. We’ve not had the best of luck with the weather.

CRAWLING #10: NEWCASTLE

Yes, it is a second column within a column. I’m bringing this back, because we reached the requisite 6 pubs for a pub crawl.

PUB #1: BAR BLANC, JESMOND

This is the bar attached to the hotel. It plays loud music and has a dance floor. The beer selection is mostly pints of fizzy and I order a Cruzcampo before realising I could have had a Neck Oil. Hello, darkness my old friend.

PUB #2: HEAD OF STEAM, QUAYSIDE

Head of Steam is a safe bet for a night out. They have a cracking range of beers. There’s less taps here than in the Birmingham one but it’s still a lot of choice. I sink my laughing gear around a 6.7% Winter Bock from Ayinger, which is a strong start to the night. Maria decides we should eat something and we share a pizza, which is banging. The geezer behind the bar is good for chatter and recommendations. Maria drinks a Czech lager called Krusovice. It’s good. After debating how long we want to stay here I end up going back for another pint; Maris the Otter from Brew York, a standard session bitter.

PUB #3: RED HOUSE

Ever since I came to Newcastle for What Culture, I’ve been wanting to show Maria the Gateshead Millennium Bridge and the area I stayed in, as it felt like a magical experience. I’m glad she’s as thrilled as me about the way new bridges go over old buildings and the archways and such look awesome. It takes me right back to that time and place. The pub, right nearby, is the Red House. An old thin bar with various nooks and crannies. It’s a proper boozer. They sell great pies in here but we’ve already eaten. I sink a Motorhead Porter, which is the most interesting beer they have. Beer selection isn’t great but this is probably my favourite pub in Newcastle so I’ll let them off.

PUB #4: BRIDGE HOTEL

After climbing the stairs to the castle, we’re right next to the Castle Keep and into the Bridge Hotel. It’s not that late, and it is Wednesday, but a drunk Northern woman nearly falls onto me as we head in. Bridge Hotel is a nice old boozer, which really reminds me of Bromsgrove’s Wetherspoons only smaller and better with 10 (ten) cask beers. Bar man knew his beers and recommended me a Ouseburn Porter, which was banging. A shame it came off the back of another porter but hey, he gave me a beer I loved.

PUB #5: BEER STREET

This is a tiny little taproom. It’s totally the kind of thing I’ve dragged Maria to before. I have myself a North Sea Bitter from Great North. There are four local lads sat at the bar and everyone seems a bit confused as to why I’m even here on a Wednesday evening. Hey, having a lovely time gents. They complain loudly about areas of the country that are “full of Tory cunts”. Not wrong, lads, not wrong. I get quite attached to the place and consider another but I know we’re so close to six pubs and so close to closing time. I grab a few cans for later and we head out. The bar man kept calling me “brother” and the whole experience was very endearing.

PUB #6: NEWCASTLE TAP

I chuck a Thornbridge Green Mountain IPA down my neck hole. The third time I’ve had it according to Untappd. Newcastle Tap is a modern tap room and exactly what you’d expect from a city centre version of one of these. It’s very clean, has an amazing view across the bar from the walk to the toilets, friendly staff and good beer. As the barmaid comes over to ask if we want anything from last orders, I’m reluctantly shaking my head. Maria is a bit tipsy, and we’ve done our six pubs with minutes to spare.

What a delightful evening we had in Newcastle. A last minute decision and late detour on our trip to the north. Seeing as Maria has never been to Newcastle before, we make the decision to get up early-ish, and have a look around in the morning.

PINTS DRUNK: 10

Did I fall asleep fully dressed halfway down a can of sour? You be the judge.

DAY #3

Thursday February 29, 2024

9AM

Awake. Still fully clothed from previous night.

11AM

Finally get our shit together, and fully on Filipino Time now, and head out. We stroll around Newcastle, visiting many of the places we were at last night but in the cold light of day you can actually see the bridges and landmarks and whatnot.

1PM

Jolibee, Newcastle. That bee, he strikes again. I switch my order up here with Siracha fries, which are ok, and a burger, which is garbage. My overall opinion of this Jolibee is that it sucks. There’s not enough seating and the toilets have no toilet roll or soap. I drop them a * review on Google for it. I have low standards for restaurants but this didn’t make it.

2PM

We finish our Newcastle experience by heading over to St James Park.

St James Park is a huge stadium. We tried to walk around it and I don’t think it’s possible when it’s not match day. It has given me an idea of what to expect on a match day when we go and tick it off though. I’m gutted they didn’t have a random Europa League game on. Would have been ideal. Newcastle are one of only four Premier League clubs I’ve not seen a game at.

3PM

Back on the road and Maria is singing along to songs. “Hungry like the wolf” becomes “hungry like the horse”. I wish I had made a note of other wrong lyrics because she’s a gold mine for them. After spending a few days in cities, I started scouring the coastline for cheap hotels outside of cities. We end up getting accommodation in Eyemouth. And yes, this is how I planned this trip. Sat in the passenger seat on Booking.com, looking up our next overnight stop. Ever since we did this in Ireland, I’ve become an adventurer.

MILES DRIVEN: 318

5PM

We arrive in Eyemouth, on the North Sea coast. We’re staying above a bar called the Cutty Sark Inn (still called the Dolphin Hotel on the WiFi and Untappd). The room is quaint. It’s very small and when you flush the toilet it makes a very loud noise. However, out of the window you can watch fishing trawlers heading home after a busy day. Maria needs a nap so she shuts her eyes for a bit and I go for a stroll. Walking along an empty beach as the sun goes down is good for the soul, lads. The sound of waves rolling over stones is therapeutic.

6PM

Maria wakes up and we go for dinner at the Ship, which is a great little restaurant/bar right by where the fishing boats moor at night. I get a steak and ale pie and the gravy is this rich, thick, dark beast that oozes out onto the plate. The barmaid/waitress is wonderful and helpful, and I end up giving her a healthy tip, which is odd for me outside of the USA where it’s a demand, not a suggestion. The food is excellent and so is the beer; Born Brewery’s Amber is sessionable as fuck.

This whole experience; the sea, the little hotel room, the dining, the beer…it was what I needed. We had starters, drinks and all sorts and it came to £60. I can’t complain. Cracking night out in a tiny village.

9:30PM

After grabbing a few beers from the local Co-Op, including an Old Jock, I settled down to watch Mission Impossible: Fallout. A nice Hollywood counterbalance to our idyllic surroundings.

PINTS DRUNK: 13

DAY #4

Friday March 1, 2024

7:40AM

Awoken by Scottish sunshine. Is the weather on our side now? I was expecting the barking of seagulls to wake me up but it’s the big yellow lad in the sky instead. I step into the shower, expecting a shambles like the toilet, and it’s so powerful it flays the top layer of skin off. REFRESHING!

8:45AM

Maria eventually grabs a shower after scrolling through Facebook for an hour.

9:30AM

Right, it’s time to go out into the world and walk around. This was all unplanned, but I can see cliffs. Let’s go up there.

After a couple of hours of strolling along cliffs, negotiating potentially dangerous slopes, finding fortifications atop the cliff and exploring rock pools, it was back to the real world. I was not expecting Eyemouth to be such a delight. It was just a place with a cheap hotel between Newcastle and Edinburgh. Among a mess of other things we did this week, my heart longs for that stony beach right now as I sit in front of my computer.

11:45AM

So, I’ve fucked up here. I’ve left my charger in the room. We’ve “checked out”, which involves a dead drop on the keys after locking the door. The door is still locked. There’s no one there. I pop into the neighbouring Tavern and the lady behind the bar grimaces when I tell her I stayed in the Cutty. I ask what time they’ll be back to open up and she says “maybe 2pm. Maybe 3pm. Maybe 4pm”. Ah. Well, I need to be in Edinburgh for Eddie to pick us up at 2pm. While drinking a pint of Belhaven Best and continuing to admire the cliffs, I message the Cutty through Booking.com’s messenger. They do not reply. They’ve still not replied.

PINTS DRUNK: 14

I won’t let this upset me. I won’t.

12:15PM

We’re off to Edinburgh. We kinda have to. Eddie Sideburns and Alan the Rogue are meeting us at 2pm at the Holiday Inn by the zoo. The drive is 1h15m.

MILES DRIVEN: 379

1:45PM

We have arrived at the hotel. The Holiday Inn, which is next door to Edinburgh Zoo. I got this on LastMinute.com as the “mystery hotel” in the Edinburgh city centre. It’s 3 miles from the centre but hey. Eddie is quite happy about it because he doesn’t have to drive that far into Edinburgh. We have barely got our shit into the hotel when Eddie turns up. Maria is a bit rushed but is happy she isn’t driving for once.

4PM

After a jolly little drive we hit Anstruther Fish Bar. Eddie’s favourite chippy and one of Scotland’s finest. Tom Hanks has dined here! Maria starts ordering food and she has this thing where she orders loads of stuff and I end up eating it. Between us we have haddock, squid (elite) and mackerel. She also orders coleslaw, knowing I don’t like it.

5:20PM

We leave, extremely full of chips, and head towards Arbroath for tonight’s game. Maria amuses Eddie by going straight back into the fish bar to use the toilet mere seconds after leaving.

6:20PM

We arrive at Arbroath, somewhat early for a 7:45PM KO and discover the doors aren’t open yet. It seems BBC Scotland is setting up their cameras and no one can go in. The game is live on BBC and if I wasn’t here, I’d be watching on telly. I’m glad we are here though, Arbroath is a proper bucket list UK ground for me.

MILES DRIVEN: 455

ADVENTURES IN FOOTBALL #99: GAYFIELD PARK (ARBROATH FC)

March 1, 2024

ARBROATH vs RAITH ROVERS (Scottish Championship)

This is a huge game for both teams. Arbroath are rock bottom of the Championship and in extreme danger of relegation. Raith can go top of the league with a draw. Eddie hasn’t been here before but we read up on the parking and his instincts take him behind the stadium past Pleasureland, the neighbouring amusement arcade, and they’re bang on. We park next to the seawall. It’s ideal. Not at least for showcasing, in photographic form, how close we are to the North Sea.

I was concerned I might not be able to see the sea at a night game. Well, it’s right here. It’s right by it. Maria peeks into the players accreditation window and a lady opens it. Eddie and Alan are both beside themselves. “I can’t believe she’s done that”. This is my life, mate. It’s a dream. After walking around and checking the ground out from outside we’re allowed in.

The ground is sparse, but each side has some covered area in case it rains. Behind that curved terrace is the North Sea. Off to our right there’s an argument going on as a steward has allowed one of her relatives, on crutches, into the seating area. The fella in front of us is arguing he’s not paid for that seat. “Ye cannae dee that”. The steward, giving off huge Chief Brody in Jaws vibes, responds with “I’m a steward, I can do what I want”. AMAZING.

We have a bit of a stroll around and it’s nowhere near as cold I was expecting. This lovely old-fashioned curved terracing wins me over. There’s also a hut that sells pies and I saw a geezer eating one. It looked immaculate. Raith warm up in front of us and their practice shooting makes me hopeful they won’t score. Two shots clear the stand!

When the game kicks off, Arbroath are clearly outclassed. Raith are aggressive and force mistakes. Arbroath are in the game but soon trail. Bald prick Zack Rudden breaking the deadlock. 0-1. 26’ played. During the first half three balls end up getting cleared into the North Sea. I am extremely satisfied.

The second half gets underway and it starts pishing it doon. Alan comments that it is “fine sideways rain”, which you only get in Scotland. I think it might just be the North Sea being blown into the ground. 49’ and Raith double their lead through a diving Josh Mullin header. The chaotic nature of this goal has left me wondering, via notes app, what the fuck happened. The visiting children of Kirkcaldy, shirtless, charge towards the home support in a show of aggression. Apparently, we’re going down. The shirtless aspect makes me think they’ll get hypothermia. They’re only skinny lads and it’s 2 degrees C out here.

After an hour the game dramatically changes. An Arbroath team, sorely lacking confidence, score a wonder goal through Jay Bird. On the turn he smashes one in from outside the box. 1-2. 61’ played. Raith goes to pieces under the pressure. Arbroath drive forward in the increasingly slick conditions. Mistakes happen defensively and Leighton McIntosh heads into an empty net after Raith keeper Kevin Dabrowski tries to reach a beautifully hit cross from the left wing. 2-2. 69’. LET’S FUCKIN GOOOO.

The comeback is completed after another mess in the defence. Chaosball in effect as a shot deflects to an unmarked Mark Stowe, who volleys past Dabrowski for 3-2. 77’ played. What a game! Bottom of the table Arbroath recover from 0-2 down to win it. The Raith fans begin to pour out and head home with their tails between their legs. Shirts back on, the children have learned an important life lesson. 2-0 is the most dangerous of leads.

There’s still time for amusements as a lad in front of us shushes the referee with a “shut the fuck up, you”. The ref stares at him in disbelief for several seconds. I can’t stop laughing. 1780 in attendance. Legitimately one of my favourite games of all time. I love a comeback.