WWE Monday Night RAW  

 

April 1, 2024 

 

WRESTLEMANIA WEEK 40 REVIEW #2  

 

Source: If I speak, I’m in big trouble.  

 

We’re in New York, New York at the Barclays Center. Hosts are Michael Cole and Patrick McAfee. We get some clips from last week where the Rock went into business for himself and beat the shit out of Cody Rhodes. Oh, blood is back baby!  

 

Promo Time: The Rock 

The Rock’s match with John Cena was 11 years ago. How?  

Oh no, the crowd are still doing “what”. It’s been 23 years. I hate it here. This is why everyone thinks wrestling fans are losers. “Cody Crybabies” is so lame. Dwayne knows the audience are morons so he can go to town on them. Maybe it’s because I was here last time, and the time before, etc, etc, but Rock rambling on is just another promo to me.  

 

Anyway, he talks for a bit and brings out Roman Reigns. Him being champion for 3.5 years reminds me of when Triple H started racking up world title wins to get to Flair’s record because Rock was in Hollywood and Steve Austin was injured. You’re not special, you’ve just landed in a down in the business. That’s not fair though, Roman’s a much better worker than Triple H.  

 

Roman rambles on for a while too, making fun of Cody being off doing “nothing much” in 2020. He’s interrupted by Seth Rollins. Still sticking to these rigid opening promos huh? Rollins wants a fight tonight and challenges the Rock. You can’t do that, that’s bait and switch when it doesn’t happen. Anyway, Solo Sikoa pipes up and accepts the challenge. Nobody wants to see that! Nobody!  

 

Video Control takes us to the Ariel Helwani interview with Rhea Ripley where Becky Lynch calls up. I miss the badass Becky Lynch. It’s like Seth ejaculated lameness into her.  

 

Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods, Johnny Gargano & Tommaso Ciampa vs. Judgement Day (Damien Priest, Dominick Mysterio, Finn Balor & JD McDonut  

I legitimately thought Tommy Chomper had retired. Shows how much I pay attention to the biz. There’s no build to anything here. It’s just a bunch of spots. They’re not even good spots. There’s a load of thigh slapping crap. Priest pins Ciampa with the Razor’s Edge and we can all move on with our lives. 

 

Video Control takes us backstage where Roman Reigns is off to write his induction speech for Paul Heyman on Friday. That’s Friday, you lazy bitch. We’re not even halfway through the fucking show. You know how many fucking words I’ll have written by Friday? You’re a punk, Reigns.  

 

We get another video segment where Sami Zayn is being trained by Chad Gable and we get all cinematic as Sami yells about being afraid of failure. This could have done without the dramatic music. This isn’t a movie guys. It’s not a bad promo piece though and I expect to see it again at the weekend. 

 

Elsewhere Damien Priest chastises Dominick for palling around with jabronies. Rhea tells him off. Rhea must think they already have enough Hispanics in the team.  

 

Sami Zayn vs. Bronson Reed 

Surely Sami must win this. SURELY. Reed is thick but he’s not important. The whole process should be Sami figuring out how to beat a big man. Which is, sort of, how this plays out. Zayn going for cheeky roll ups and using the ropes. Cole questions Sami’s strategy, which starts going all over the place. He attempts an exploder and I think they’re ‘telling stories’ again. Is Sami stupid or does he think landing one big move will finish? Sami is on his way to a win, but Gunther has, sadly, murdered Chad Gable. He’s just straight up killed him and dragged the corpse out here. Sami gets killed too. “WAS IST LOS?”  

DVORAK INTENSIFIES! This match was ok. I’m hoping Sami brings the fire against Gunther. 

 

Ivy Nile & Maxxine Dupri vs. Candice LaRae & Indi Hartwell 

WWE trainees vs. Gals trained on the Indies is it? The WWE production line hasn’t cranked out many great women’s wrestlers since the Four Pillars emerged. If the Attitude Era is back then you would expect the girls dressed like strippers to get the wins now. They have Candace wrestling heel here. What the fuck? Due to her evilness, Dupri rolls up Indi. This was dreadful. Ivy Nile has been in developmental for five years and can barely work. What are they doing down there?  

 

Video Control gives us Drew McIntyre, who slaughters both CM Punk and Seth Rollins verbally. Telling us Seth based his entire personality on “Jared Leto as the Joker” is so good. As is “Cringelord”. I hope he wins on Sunday. A way, way better talker, wrestler and worker than Rollins. Entering his prime “no fucks given” era.  

 

Ricochet vs. Ivar 

WWE still doing nothing with Ricochet I see. He’s stuck in the Andre this week. Ricochet does a few flippydos. McAfee acts like we’re seeing something unprecedented in the business. Maybe 10 years ago that was true. Now he’s doing toned down versions of those moves. Ivar is a fun guy. He can do springboards but also has the power moves and all that shit. If he didn’t have such a dim gimmick, you could push him in singles. 630 finishes for Ricochet. An extended squash with some fun spots.  

 

This match is currently at an 8.09 on Cagematch. Those fucking inmates have lost their goddamn minds. Are they so starved of good matches they’ll rate anything?  

 

Video Control gives us more Judgement Day business with the Irish guys getting pissy. Dom brings in Andrade, asking him to take care of Ricochet.  

 

Promo Time: Becky Lynch 

Becky calls out Rhea Ripley, but RAW GM Adam “Scrap Daddy” Pearce tells her to leave. Naturally, Rhea turns up. What’s wrong with them having a fight? Rhea manages to punch her way past eight security guards. Hahaha. Where did you get your hired goons from Pearce? We do the pull apart and yadda, yadda, yadda.  

 

Damage CTRL (Dakota Kai, Asuka & Kairi Sane) vs. Shayna Baszler, Zoey Stark & Tegan Nox  

When did Damage CTRL turn into this? I must admit, I don’t watch WWE, so it seems to have altered since the Rumble. It feels like a recipe for multi-woman tag bangers. Zoey seems to be up for it. Her missile dropkick on Kairi is aces. Tegan has a few issues. Some communication related. Some due to awkwardness. The Kabuki Warriors pick her off for the pin. This was ok. Zoey was cooking.  

 

 

Bloodline Rules 

Seth Rollins vs. Solo Sikoa 

What are Bloodline Rules? I’m genuinely asking. I don’t know. It’s Seth though, so regardless you’re getting a stupid dancy match with goofy selling. They start throwing WWE branded plunder at each other so I’m guessing Bloodline rules mean no DQ. Solo gets put through a table and stomped. It should be over, but we get double Uso run ins. The Bloodline just can’t help themselves can they.  

The Rock turns up and he’s followed by Cody Rhodes. Cody lighting up the Rock with right hands shows how far he’s come as a star. People buy into it. Roman turns up and the Bloodline finally take charge of the situation. The crowd chant “CM Punk” but why would he turn up? He hates Rollins.  

 

The 411: 

I don’t like TV shows, generally. They exist to set up PPVs, or PLEs or whatever the fuck they’re calling them now. This was ok. The wrestling was fine, there just wasn’t a lot of it. It was mostly main event guys talking. Two of the matches didn’t even finish. They just went into something else. Is this significantly better than it was a few years ago? Yes, yes, it is. Do I want to spend two hours a week watching it? No, no I don’t. It has helped me to understand the lay out of the promotion heading into Wrestlemania though as outside of the whole Rock/Cody/Roman thing I wasn’t paying attention.