WWF No Holds Barred: The Match/The Movie (12.27.89) review 

 

December 27, 1989 (taped: December 12, 1989) 

 

We’re in Nashville, Tennessee and HOLLYWOOD, California. This is the No Holds Barred PPV where the WWF showed the movie they made and then threw together a match based on said film to happen afterwards. This is the end of the Zeus run. His third and final match for the promotion. What’s not widely known is that Tiny Lister reprised the Zeus role in Puerto Rico the following year, for WWC’s anniversario show. He wrestled Abdullah the Butcher! I’ve never seen this missing masterpiece. One day. He further reprised the role as “Ze Gangsta” for WCW at the Uncensored 1996 show where he was on the Alliance to End Hulkamania.  

 

I’ve never seen this PPV before, I’ve only ever seen the match and the movie separately. I’ve sourced a stream of said show seeing as WWE are cowards and haven’t put it up on the Network, where it belongs. How is the quality? Let’s just say, it’s a VHS rip and you can tell it is. Gene Okerlund and Tony Schiavone talk us through the cage construction and the rules of a cage match, if you’ve never seen wrestling before. I’m bored Tony, let’s stick a movie on!  

 

NO HOLDS BARRED 

 

In order to do this feature film FULL JUSTICE I’m going to treat it like a show. Any time there is a match, I’ll be snowflake rating it. Speaking of which… 

 

WWF Championship  

Rip Thomas (c) vs. Jake Bullet  

Rip is Hulk Hogan in an extremely thinly veiled version of himself. His brother in the film is called “Randy” because Vince McMahon is genius. You’ve heard that said, right? Commentary here comes from Gene Okerlund and Jesse Ventura. Just so we don’t get Rip confused with Hulk Hogan, he wears white instead of yellow and tears his white shirt off, instead of his yellow shirt. It’s clearly a different guy. Jake Bullet is Bill Eadie under a new gimmick. That of ‘guy with no face paint’. He’s unrecognisable and just disappears into the role.  

 

Bullet tries to subdue the lumbering brute with a sleeper hold, which NO ONE has ever escaped from. Hogan, sorry Rip, I thought I saw some yellow, escapes (I am shocked too, reader) and hits the big boot and then the Axe Bomber for the pin. This was very short and predictable. * 

This is Rip’s younger brother “Randy”. It’s explained that Rip is such a nice guy, who everyone likes, that he’s basically raised poor useless Randy by himself. Oh, Randy Savage must have been SEETHING when he watched this. I can feel his reaction from here and a) this was 30+ years ago and b) he’s dead.  

 

From here we check in with Kurt Fuller’s evil “Brell” character, which is definitely NOT based on Ted Turner. He wants Rip’s “jock ass” to appear on his network. Well, that’ll never happen (until 1994). He’s fed up waiting for Rip to jump ship. He’s getting old! And bald! Brell calls him “jock ass” again. So, having used the term “jock ass*” for the first time in recorded history he then doubles down on it. What a total jock ass Rip must be.  

 

*I googled “jock ass” to see if Brell had coined the term and forgot about, yanno, pornography and I wouldn’t recommend repeating the search yourself. I would say that I’ve seen thousands of films and most of them from the 1980s and beforehand and I’ve never, ever, in my life heard the term “jock ass” until this film.  

 

This is the evil Brell, played by Kurt Fuller. You may recognise Fuller from Ghostbusters II, Wayne’s World or Scary Movie. He usually plays some sort of suck up or butthead. Brell wants to buy out Rip and won’t take no for an answer! Oh no, what will the teeny tiny World Wrestling Federation do! They must be sick of all these evil corporations coming after them!  

 

Rip, two-faced jerk that he is, takes a meeting with Brell. You’re under contract you knob! Vince must be steaming. Brell offers Rip “whatever it takes” to get him and Rip, man of honour, refuses. Brell crosses the line by calling Rip a “jock ass” to his face! The negotiations stall at that point and Rip leaves. Brell, eager to further convince the Hulkster (sorry, Ripster), has him kidnapped.  

 

“Jock Ass” Rip vs. Four guys 

Rip shows his versatility here by bursting through the roof of a limo and hitting a clothesline. Minus points for using a blatant dummy on the press slam. Couldn’t get him up there huh? Happens to us all, brrrrrrother.  

Rip turns his attentions to the limo driver, who has shat himself so bad that the wet patch is halfway up his back. “Dookie” he whimpers. DUD. Vince McMahon’s obsession with childishness continues. Pee pee, poo, poo. Fart! Tee hee hee. What a fucking jock ass.  

 

From there Hogan is introduced to his new accountant (I don’t know, Vince loves money) Sam, played by Joan Severance. You may recognise her as the hot chick from See No Evil, Hear No Evil (she’s the one Gene Wilder got an erection watching and then held at “gun point” with his hard-on), Bird on a Wire and Black Scorpion. Joan generally played sexy roles in bad movies. They have a meeting, and Hogan tries to eyeball her but seems completely incapable of being attracted to anyone that’s not his own mirror image.  

 

Director: “just imagine it is you, you’re looking at Terry. Feel the love” 

Hogan: *gets penis out*  

 

Sam takes Rip to a restaurant where the snooty French waiter makes fun of him. Luckily the rest of the waiting staff are Rippamaniacs and, SHOCK HORROR, Rip actually dines there all the time and “speaks” French. This is the worst acting in the film so far. I wonder how many takes of “bien sur” it took until Hulk managed to get not mangle the words? They say Hogan never took jobs, but the French language submitted him easily here. **¼  

 

Meanwhile, the evil corporate bastard Brell goes to an underground fight club and the waitress mistakes them for GAYS*. They sit ringside!  

 

*Oh man, the 1980s. What a time that was. It boggles the mind how much the attitude towards gay people has changed in my own lifetime. Hell, the Cold War was still going on when this film came out. Middle class people were still miffed every time they heard “Back in the USSR”.  

 

Big Headbanger vs. Little Headbanger 

Big Headbanger is immediately recognisable as Jos LeDuc. The other guy is Rick Allen. Yeah, I drew a blank on that one too, but he does look familiar. That’s because it’s Sonny Beach! Although neither character has a name, someone in the crowd screams “get him, Joe” all the time and this is another familiar face. 

Yeah, they got Stan Hansen in this motherfucker! “THATS IT, JOE. GET HIM JOE!” Hansen is pretty good here. He looks like more of a movie star than Hogan. LeDuc wins via being thrown out of the ring. ½* 

 

Post Match: Brell offers a substantial cash payment to Stan if he can best Jos LeDuc in single combat. I’m not sure why. Let’s just go with it.  

 

Bubba vs. Big Headbanger 

Yeah, Stan is working as “Bubba”. Stan doesn’t have his glasses on so he lays it in thick to make sure everything looks good. He does the lariat in here and then pops open a keg and drinks right out of it. ***¼ 

 

Stan goes to take a shit and is upset by the language used by some of the executives to describe the punters in his bar. Stan decides not to kill them because they have small penises. McMahon strikes again. Pee pee, poo, poo. Hansen should have got a five-year contract out of this. In fact, they should have used him instead of Zeus in the summer of 1989. It would have ruled. Anyway, Brell decides to have a TV show called “Battle of the Tough Guys”, where the winner gets $100,000. It sounds eerily like the UFC.  

 

Some of the “tough guys” are actors but we also have the “Duke of Dorchester” Pete Doherty! “Keep him away from me” – Brell. Sadly, the tournament matches are heavily clipped, but Doherty seems to be the main stunt coordinator for it, so take that as you will. He takes a backdrop on a table. Naturally, the “Battle of the Tough Guys” serves as a way to introduce the main villain of the piece; ZEUS!  

Here’s him applying the Iron Claw to the waitress from earlier. The homophobe.  

 

Zeus vs. Tough Guys 

Zeus is his usual plodding self and only needs a stunt double for one shot; the press slam. No one can do a fucking press slam in this movie. While Zeus is throwing people around we get his backstory. Hogan’s trainer used to manage Zeus but he “killed some kid in the ring after the bell” and has just been released from jail*. Zeus scalps poor Stan Hansen to claim the win and the $100,000. -** 

 

*Tiny Lister was 31 when this film came out. Assuming he killed someone as soon as he was legally allowed to train, that would mean he’s been in prison for 12-13 years. That would actually track if it was a manslaughter charge. Not that anyone thought about that when they were writing this.  

 

 

For reasons I don’t understand we get “Battle of the Tough Guys” week two. I guess it was a hit show. Like WCW. All grimy and underground, compared to the shiny child-friendly antics of the WWF.  

 

Zeus vs. Lugwrench Perkins 

Lugwrench Perkins is exactly how Vince McMahon imagines WCW wrestlers to be named. Lungwrench is played by Jeep Swensen, thus marking the first time Hogan has shared a credit with a wrestler who is also an actor. Just like him (COUGH). Hogan is a way better wrestler than Jeep though, who sucks. This match takes place in an ore smelting factory. It looks like the end of Terminator 2 only dirtier. Jeep was in that Uncensored match in 1996 too, playing a character called “The Ultimate Solution”, to make people think Warrior was signed. He eventually was, so jokes on me, I guess. As for the match; pure cinematic wrestling. Your mileage may vary. *½ 

 

Based on that rating, that might be the best match of Jeep Swensen’s entire career! 

 

What’s happening with Rip while all this is going on? He’s taking Joan to dinner and foiling robberies. Sadly, he’s not shot to death. In ‘saving’ the restaurant from being robbed Rip completely destroys it. The robbers are black, of course. Everyone applauds. Joan suddenly looks at Rip differently, like she thought he was a piece of shit until he foiled a robbery. In the very next scene there’s a comical misunderstanding about room bookings and Joan makes fun of the way Rip talks. Rip is a total gentleman because he’s not interested in women. They don’t work out hard enough and hardly take steroids at all.  

As they sleep in the same bed, separated by a sheet hanging off the ceiling, Rip confesses that he’s never known the touch of a woman and hates black people. He just starts barking at them and doesn’t understand why. Sam is then awoken to sounds of Rip furiously masturbating. I’m kidding, he’s only doing push-ups. His winkle has been shrunk by all the steroids and no longer functions. After this comical misunderstanding it’s revealed that Sam works for Brell. However, Sam has decided that Rip is a nice guy and won’t betray his trust. Not after the masturbation and the virginity and such. He’s suffered enough, the poor racist.  

 

In a tender moment, Sam reveals her sins and Rip forgives her. We seem to have skipped a lot of plot here in the space of about a minute. It’s almost as if Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan had no idea how to write women. I AM SHOCKED, gentle reader. So, they’re now in love or something? I don’t know. The plot makes no sense. Hogan is stopped from commencing onscreen lovemaking by Zeus appearing on TV. Cockblocked by a television. A new low. 

 

Hogan tries his luck with a group of young children instead but is cockblocked by a helicopter. A new low.  

ZEUS!  

Hogan looks…er, actually I’m not sure what he’s going for here. Pensive? Constipated? Allergic to helicopters? Racist? Yes, it’s racist. That’s the look. Hogan can barely contain his disgust at being close to a black man. A shocking display by modern standards but this was the 1980s. It was a different time, and people were held accountable to different standards.  

 

Sam is almost raped by one of Brell’s hoods and guess who provides the voice. Oh, it’s Vince McMahon. Of course it is. I bet he was pleased as punch. He is a sickening little fantasist isn’t he? An abhorrent scumbag. I hope he dies in jail. I hope he’s got dirt on Trump and gets murdered like Jeffrey Epstein.  

Hogan does what most people want to do with Vince and drives him into a tree. A reminder that it’s ok for Rip to murder people because he’s white but when Zeus murders someone it’s bad and he has to go to prison. Hogan seems most at home riding his chopper around. It’s a stunt he can actually do. He can’t even do the wrestling part! They should have made this a loose remake of Easy Rider. Replace the grass for coke and you’ve just 80s the shit out of it.  

 

Zeus vs. A Jobber 

I’m not sure if this one is televised but Rip’s younger brother, Randy, goes to watch it so its canon. Zeus wins quickly. SQUASH.  

 

Post Match: While running in fear of Zeus, Randy bumps into Brell and his hired goons. “Your brother’s yellow and I’m gonna kill him” – Zeus. Shhh, he’s not yellow, he’s white. We went over costume choices at the top, brother!  

 

Zeus vs. Randy Thomas  

This is another squash, but Randy does some nice dodging moves before being killed/put in a coma. Randy Savage should have been mad as hell they put him in the movie and made him this weakling that Hogan had to protect. Seriously, why did they call him Randy? You have to know that would set Savage off. I don’t blame Randy for walking out on the promotion in 1995, punching Hogan before Wrestlemania IX or deflowering Stephanie McMahon. They had it coming. Should have called the wimpy little brother Brutus instead.  

Rip, stupid idiot that he is, goes after Zeus at his gym and mistakes a mirror for Zeus, smashing it and giving himself seven years of bad luck. It would run out in time for his tremendous heel turn in 1996. Apparently, Hogan really cut himself doing the stunt, just like Leonardo DiCaprio in Django Unchained. Oh hey, Leo’s character was a racist too!  

 

With Randy crippled, Brell chooses to kidnap Sam, so our racist hero is left all alone.  

Brell uses Sam as leverage to force Rip to take a dive.  

 

Rip vs. Zeus 

Stars don’t have surnames brother. This is the 80s. Madonna. Prince. The Hulkster. All the greats have only one name. The ring announcer calls Rip “the challenger” but everyone in the heel corner keep screaming “new champ”. I’m confused. Hogan spends this match perfecting formula, where he gets beaten up all match and then mounts an unlikely comeback by “ripping up”. Rip ‘Em, Ripster! Rippermania, brother!  

 

Meanwhile all the goons are watching the match and Sam escapes. It’s interesting to note that when Hogan wrestles, they go into a shiny arena rather than the normal shithole. Also, Brell has no promotion. What was he going to do with Rip? Don’t answer, it’s Thunder in Paradise. It’s always Thunder in Paradise. “I play Johnny Thunder, who lives in paradise. Well, it’s an island, brother. It’s sunny. I drive a boat and jet ski and look at hot women. Some day I hope to hold a woman’s hand and maybe even ask her to go for a walk or something. What do women like? Muscles right? Or vodka? I forget, jack”.  

 

The culmination of the match, and the movie, is Hogan beating up a black guy. In retrospect, we should have seen it. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise. Zeus’ selling here is about as good as it was when he appeared in the WWF. They brawl outside and Zeus punts Randy out of his wheelchair. Haha, unlucky Macho Man! Then they’re both counted out, as are the rules of wrestling, thus setting up a rematch in No Holds Barred II. Hey, it worked for Stallone.  

No wait, Rip actually wins this by Axe Bombering Zeus off the side of the building and he goes through the middle of the ring.  

What a finish! ***¾. Low end MOTYC.  

 

Post Match: Rip, possessed by unstoppable roid rage, goes after Brell. “Stay away you jock ass” yells Brell (I have to point out this is 100% what he actually said, I’m not making it up), just before electrocuting himself to death on some equipment. The crowd, unconcerned by the two murders they just witnessed in the name of sportz entertainment, erupt into applause.  

And…then the credits roll brother. What a concept, huh?  

 

It’s the movie critics called “cartoonish” (NY Times) “utterly lacking” (Chicago Tribune), “charmless, stupid and badly made” (Washington Post) and “senseless” (Miami Herald). The Post’s review is the most damning, calling out Hogan’s “dreadful performance” and the innate racism of casting a black guy as this animalistic criminal that stands in his way.  

 

Video Control takes over as we go back to the ring. Gene Okerlund introduces the history of the Hogan-Zeus WWF feud. It’s all pretty samey. Zeus attacks Hogan, a lot. We include Zeus getting disqualified at Survivor Series but not his pinfall loss at Summerslam. Odd that. It’s almost like they didn’t plan to have this run more than one match. To kill some time, they shill the forthcoming Royal Rumble PPV. Okerlund has been ordered to get the fans after the PPV companies because some of them aren’t airing the Rumble.  

Savage looks absolutely unhinged here, like he just saw the movie and he found out they called the weedy little brother “Randy”. “I’m gonna…fucking…kill him Toneeeee. He made a mockery of the Macho Man, yeah, but you cannot stop the madness. DIG IT!*”  

 

*not word for word, you understand. Thematically this is correct.  

 

Cage Match 

No Holds Barred (LIKE THE MOVIE!!!!!!!!) 

Zeus & Randy Savage vs. Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake 

The heels pick off Beefcake for some double teaming before Hogan climbs into the cage triumphantly. No climbing bars! Savage naturally takes the bulk of stuff but there are no tags, so Zeus has to carry his end. This is a challenge for Tiny Lister Jr, guys. It mostly involves choking. The match could have been saved with some colour. Turn this into a bloodbath and I’d probably give it a cheerful thumbs up.  

 

Do these carnies want to expose the business to a clueless outsider though? You wouldn’t want Brutus Beefcake learning about the secrets of wrestling. Speaking of the genius of the Beefer, he climbs out of the ring, leaving Hogan alone against two guys. “Yay, we’ve half won” – Brutus. He then drags Savage out so they’ve both escaped. You’re just pointless Brutus. Hogan gets the better of Zeus, ramming him into the cage a bunch of times and then hits three legdrops for the win. Hogan wins the match and the movie. That hardly seems fair. Anyway, this didn’t suck as much as you’d expect. If that can be considered praise. **½  

 

We end the show with Gene Okerlund buttering up Hogan and saying he’s ended Zeus’ career. Poor Tiny Lister. As we finish our review of No Holds Barred, I’m reminded of Hogan’s inability to gain an erection due to steroid abuse. No Balds Hard. Hahaha. I’ve been saving that one all the way through. Enjoy it. Good night. Viva cinema! 

 

The 411: 

More movie/match double headers please. I’m not even kidding; I had a great time.