Hey, Arn here. Dohmi actually emailed this to me two days ago but I’ve been at work and also ill so I’d not had time to post it. But the wait is over! Here’s week two of the XFL. Text from @RealPhillipDohm
XFL – Week 2: Electric Boogaloo
The Continuation of a new Era of Football.
What’s up everyone? We all gathered around today for the Review of the XFL Week 2: Electric Boogaloo. Could the four Winners of last week stay undefeated? Or can some of the winning less teams bounce back? Let’s take a look, at the last weekend of XFL Football:
New York Guardians @ D.C. Defenders
So here we have the first game of two undefeated teams against each other. And the home team was first to score some valuable points, as Cardale Jones throws a nice 13-Yard Touchdown Pass to DeAndre Thompkins to get the first six points on the board. This entire drive of 80 Yards easily gets **** Stars from me. The following one-Point Conversion fails. Should have gone for three. D.C. 6. New York 0.
The following Guardians drive had a Fake Punt, but finished in a Strip-Fumble for D.C. to regain the ball. Really good strip from Rahim Moore here. After that, suddenly everyone lost their cool and started scrapping. Lads, it’s the first Quarter. Calm the fuck down. D.C. drove down the field and scored some easy three Points with a 27-Yard Field Goal by Tyler Rausa.
On the next New York Drive, Matt McGloin decided he wants to be mentioned in this review as well and throws an Interception to Matt Elam. As good as New York looked last week against Tampa, just as bad do they look here against D.C. The next D.C. drive, which had a great Pass from Cardale Jones to “The Big Hoss” Rashad Ross, which the American Commentators called Rashad “Rocket” Ross, ended in another 36-Yard Field Goal by Tyler Rausa.
Matt McGloin thought that this game hasn’t gone shit enough for New York and threw his second Interception of the game to Jameer Thurman for a 46-Yard Pick-Six. Remember when we said New York had a whopper defense last week? Yeah, their offense is letting them down today.
The next time D.C. has the ball in the offense, Cardale Jones threw a Touchdown pass, which got declined due to pass interference on the offense. So, he decided on the following third & 21 to throw an Interception himself, so Matt McGloin doesn’t feel too bad about himself. But obviously they got the ball back regardless as New York’s Offense is shit today. D.C. Offense is fun to watch on the other side. Cardale Jones is slinging it and they have some sweet trick plays up their sleeves. They look like contenders. The fourth quarter had a funny Moment where Cardale almost gets sacked, fumbles the ball, recovers it regardless and throws a nice pass for the first down. Tyler Rausa finished that drive with another 26-Yard Field goal.
Now New York benches Matt McGloin and brings in Marquise Williams… which changed nothing except for the fact that he didn’t threw an Interception. When D.C. got the ball back, Cardale Jones got a Drive together and found Derrick Hayward for a Six-Yard Touchdown pass in the Endzone. Because they are not cowards, they try a three-point conversion… which unfairly is unsuccessful.
One last Hail Mary by Marquise Williams to get on the Scoreboard gets deflected and finishes this game. We have the first Shutdown loss in the new XFL history.
D.C. 27. New York. 0
Tampa Bay Vipers @ Seattle Dragons
The Match of two losers of last week and the glorious return of Seattle’s Head Coach Jim “Not Sure what I want at this McDrive” Zorn. And the first mention worthy thing that happens is that the new Vipers Quarterback Taylor Cornelius throws an Interception into the arms of Jeremy Clark. This was the fourth Interception of Saturday; you can’t say it’s not entertaining. In the second quarter, Seattle’s Kicker Ernesto Lacayo missed a 48-Yard Field Goal by, quite some margin. From 36-Yards Tampa Bays Kicker Andrew Franks shows him how a successful Kick goes. Seattle 0. Tampa Bay 3.
The first drive of the second half saw Seattle’s Quarterback Brandon Silvers throw a Pick-Six to Tarvarus McFadden. Brandon Silvers is a bit like Viagra. It could be good, but it also could backfire miserably. In this case, it backfired. The following one-point Conversion was unsuccessful.
My previous made statement got confirmed when Brandon Silvers threw a 68-Yard Touchdown to Keenan Reynolds to get his team on the scoreboard. The 2-Point Conversion was unsuccessful.
And because one Pick-Six can’t go alone, Quinton Flowers decides to throw a Pick-Six on his own eleven-Yard Line to Marcell Frazier. Brandon Silvers even found Keenan Reynolds for a two-point conversion. Seattle 14. Tampa Bay 9.
Tampa got themselves in retaliation on the opponent’s goal line, but kick holder Jake Schum fucked up the kick and caused a Turnover on down in the fourth Quarter. Seattle had to quit their drive for an excellent Punt, given that Tampa Bay needs a Touchdown for the lead, and they haven’t had an offensive Touchdown so far. But this drive finished on another turnover by downs. A Minute before the end, Ernesto Lacayo narrowly hit a 27-Yard Field Goal to extend the lead. It’s now all or nothing for the last minute for Tampa Bay. They need their first Touchdown of the season to get their first Win of the season.
They even get one, but you know, pass interference, offense, cost them that. The last second attempt to at least get a shot on this win this ball game is a throw form Taylor Cornelius that get’s Intercepted by Kyle Queiro in the Endzone.
Tampa Bay 9. Seattle 17.
Dallas Renegades @ Los Angeles Wildcats
Our first Sunday game was a game of two teams who now finally have their starting Quarterback. Dallas was able to bench stupidly handsome Philip Nelson for long time Steelers Benchwarmer Landry Jones and moving veteran Josh Johnson, who changed teams like 13 Times in eleven years. I got sad about this, because it would mean we wouldn’t get another Chad Kanoff meltdown. Also, LA fired their offensive coordinator after last weeks game. That is a dangerous Firing to games statistic. (1 Game, 1 Firing.). In the Group Chat this was the game of two Dallas Fans against two LA Fans, while myself, a Houston Fan, just wanted both teams to have fun (and them showing Philip Nelson a lot). For the first twelve minutes, nothing notable happened and then Landry Jones threw an Interception to Harlan Miller. That’s the same amount of Interceptions as Philip Nelson, and he’s not as handsome. But Los Angeles Running Back Elijah Hood is fair enough to Fumble the ball near the Dallas Endzone to give Dallas the Ball back. But Dallas Tight End Sean Price thought that was not fair and fumbled the ball spectacularly himself to give it back to LA. We are already in the second quarter. LA’s Kicker Nick Novak finally brings us the first points with a 47-Yard Field Goal. LA 3. Dallas 0.
Then we got a glimpse of Landry Jones running. Arn wrote in the Chat “Landry Jones runs like I feel.” Which obviously got a reply by me with “miserable?”. XFL brings out the best banter in all of us. Seriously, Landry Jones running is not a thing of beauty. That drive finished with a 41-Yard Field Goal by Austin MacGinnis to tie up this game.
On the next Wildcats drive, Nick Novak missed a 50-Yard Field goal to get LA back in front. Dallas has now the ball in the third quarter and Landry Jones throws his second Interception of the day to “The Fresh Prince of LA” Will Smith. LA then get’s themselves into the red zone, but Elijah Hood once again decides to forget to run WITH the ball and fumbles. I think that happened to him last week as well (might have been someone else, I only know it happened last week to someone, please correct me if I’m wrong). It’s a 3-3 Game and I’m entertained by the Xtremely Hilarious Turnovers this game offers us. After a solid 45-Yard Drive, Dallas Kicker Austin MacGinnis hits a 45-Yard Field Goal. LA 3. Dallas 6.
At the start of the fourth quarter Josh Johnson puts up a Wildcats drive into the Red Zone and finds “All Juice” Nelson Spruce (Nickname provided by Mike Kilby) for a Six-Yard Touchdown pass. The following one-point conversion is unsuccessful. LA 9. Dallas 6.
Now both teams start swinging shots in this last quarter as Cameron Artis-Payne finds the End Zone for a 21-Yard Rushing Touchdown and he runs it in for the one-Point Conversion. LA 9. Dallas 13.
Dallas now turned up the heat as they held LA to a Punt and finished the following drive for a three-Yard Touchdown pass from Landry Jones to Donald Parham. The one-point conversion was unsuccessful.
But this wild 4th Quarter hasn’t seen it all yet, as on LA’s next drive, Josh Johnson finds Nelson Spruce, who starts to become the best Wide Receiver of the league, for a 44-Yard Touchdown. And not only that, they only have to got five-Yards on a three-point conversion due to a Dallas penalty. This gave LA the perfect Chance to score the conversion with a pass to Adonis Jennings. This is now a one-point game.
But Dallas still had the Ball and the Ballgame in their hands as Cameron Artis-Payne again found the End Zone for a 17-Yard Touchdown. The one-point conversion was unsuccessful and gave LA the ball with 01:06 on the clock, where they need seven points to tie this ballgame.
LA can’t really get a last-minute shot to at least tie this game and lose the second week in a row, while Dallas gets off the line.
LA 18. Dallas 25.
St. Louis Battlehawks @ Houston Roughnecks
Now it’s my team, the Houston Roughnecks time to play the last game of this week. They face the another seemingly good team in the St. Louis Battlehawks. It’s Jordan Ta’amu, the Throwing Samoan, against P.J “Already looking like your MVP” Walker. And it was Houston who stroke first blood with a 44-Yard Field Goal by Sergio Castillo. Houston 3. St. Louis 0.
But St. Louis was not really impressed by that and answered with a 25-Yard Touchdown pass from Jordan Ta’amu to Matt Jones. The two-point conversion that followed was unsuccessful. Houston 3. St. Louis 6.
The next drive, it’s Houston again who gets to score with a seven-yard Touchdown-Pass from P.J. “Hopefully your future Denver Broncos Quarterback” Walker to Cam Phillips. Their own two-point conversion was unsuccessful as well. Oh yeah this was just all the scoring for the first quarter. Houston 9. St. Louis 6.
In the second quarter, Jordan Ta’amu throws an interception to Cody Brown to give Houston a shot to extend their lead, which could be very helpful in this game, as both teams seem to be offensively on their toes. On the next Play, Justin Butler gets the one-yard rush for another Houston Touchdown. The two-point conversion was unsuccessful.
After a turnover on downs, your savior of American Football, P.J. Walker, scrambles for a beautiful first down, where it looked like he was sacked multiple times. This drive was capped-off with another beautiful Touchdown pass by P.J. Walker, who found Cam Phillips on a nine-Yard pass. Unfortunately, they can’t get the conversion point, which still seems to be a problem for this Houston offense.
In the third quarter, St. Louis finally found their offensive form, as after a good drive, Jordan Ta’amu finds De’Mornay Pierson-El for a one-Yard Touchdown pass. The two-point conversion, was once again unsuccessful.
After that, the St. Louis defense steps up and holds Houston to a three and out. The following drive saw Jordan Ta’amu take matters into his own hands as he capped it off with a four-Yard Touchdown run for his team. Another one-point conversion attempt failed and suddenly this was once again a three-point game, with a lead for Houston.
The third quarter finished with some P.J. Walker magic, as he looks like he got sacked, but never hit the ground and landed on his feet again due to rolling over the defender and finding his receiver. Seriously, give this man the MVP now after two weeks. The Power of him is just too strong. Never mind, his elbow was down. Now in the fourth quarter, St. Louis has once again the ball, but Jordan Ta’amu throws his second interception into the waiting arms of Jeremiah Johnson, who runs it to the ten-yard line to give Houston a beautiful opportunity to make this comeback really tough for St. Louis. And so, they did as P.J. Walker finds Cam Phillips for a two-yard Touchdown pass and even gets his team the one-point conversion with a rush on his own.
Jordan Ta’amu now saves his team with multiple fourth down passes and eventually finds L’Damian Washington for a 36-Yard Touchdown pass, but they get stuffed on the one-point conversion.
They now have 01:41 left on the clock to get the ball back and turn this around. But Houston runs down the clock and finishes off the in my opinion best game in this very young season so far.
Houston 28. St. Louis 24.
That was it with the second week of XFL football, and man except for the first game, they all went down to the wire. XFL football is Xtremely Fun to watch. If you are a fan off football and couldn’t catch some NFL this season, the XFL looks like a real alternative at the moment. Also, Cardale Jones, Jordan Ta’amu and of course P.J. Walker look like real game changers and are fun to watch. Have a nice day.
Hey, Arn here again. Thanks to Dohmi for that report and apologies for the late arrival. Now it’s time for week two’s prestigious XFL Power Rankings and I’ve done some predictions for next week.
XFL Power Rankings Week 2
- Houston Roughnecks (2) [2-0]. Houston looks to be the best team in the XFL. They have two solid lines, some good all around play and the best quarterback in the league with PJ Walker. PJ was outstanding again as Houston bested the very strong Battlehawks. Shout out to Cam Phillips with three TD catches.
- DC Defenders (4) [2-0]. DC went by a weak Seattle team in week one and absolutely demolished a New York side I had ranked at 3 over opening weekend. 27-0. Total dominance. DC looks to have arguably the best defence and with Pep Hamilton’s trick plays a regular highlight they’ve gone from “haha, you suck” in W1 Q1 to title contenders. Their rock solid defence has them as the bookies favourites.
- St Louis Battlehawks (1) [1-1]. St Louis were very unlucky against Houston in week 2. Coming up against PJ can’t be easy. Jordan Ta’amu got more yardage and more game time than PJ but crucially St Louis turned over two key interceptions. One of which was extremely unfortunate to not get a flag. The Battlehawks were mechanical compared to the Roughnecks’ creativity but still look to be one of the best teams in the league. #CaCaw
- Dallas Renegades (5) [1-1]. Landry Jones turned up but boy did he look slow as fuck. He looked very calm and collected too and that sense of calm pushed Dallas to 1-1. Their running game emerged this week and they looked competent. These look to be the four play off teams after two weeks.
- Seattle Dragons (8) [1-1]. Seattle couldn’t get any worse after week one and they rebounded to a week two victory over a poor Tampa. Is this more on the Vipers than them? Time will tell.
- New York Guardians (4) [1-1]. They look dead in the water at 1-1. An unbelievable collapse of epic proportions in week two from NY. Easily the worst performance of any team so far in the XFL. Matt McGloin got benched, although he had no protection whatsoever, and spent the second half criticizing the coaching during in game interviews. It’s hard to rule a team out after two games, especially as they won one of them, but NY looks like an absolute disaster.
- LA Wildcats (7) [0-2]. Another week, another exciting loss for LA. A thrilling fourth quarter against Dallas saw the score go from 6-3 to 25-18. Probably the best quarter in the XFL so far. The Wildcats had first string QB “Journeyman” Josh Johnson (from now on known as Triple J) available and he played well. WR Nelson Spruce also had a great game (again) and LA can always say they got the first three point conversion in XFL history.
- Tampa Bay Vipers (6) [0-2]. They look terrified of the end zone and still haven’t scored an offensive touchdown after two games. The one positive for Tampa Bay is once that offensive unit gets a touchdown it should get them going. They looked better than the Guardians anyway.
Houston @ Tampa Bay
It doesn’t get any easier for Tampa. Unless the Vipers offence starts clicking this is PJ Walker’s fun house. Roughnecks to go 3-0.
Dallas @ Seattle
Both teams improved in week two and this could end up being a tight game. Pre-season Dallas, with Landry Jones, were the bookies favourites but stuttered in week one. If Landry keeps his team calm they should eek this. Dallas win.
NY @ St Louis
The Guardians were atrocious in week two and now they’re up against one of the most complete teams in the league in the Battlehawks. Jordan Ta’amu should have a field day here and the Battlehawks could win comfortably. St Louis by a margin.
DC @ LA
The unpredictable Wildcats run into the on-form Defenders. This could be a sneakily good game. Pep Hamilton has a habit of creating exciting moments and the Wildcats have been nothing but exciting so far, even if they’re still 0-2. I fancy them to get on the board here with an upset. When DC wins by 21 points you’ll have to remember I am an optimistic Wildcats fan. Wildcats surprise!