Arn Does Euro 2024 Day 13 

 

Oh, dear god. Sweet titty-fucking Christ, it is painful watching England. It always has been. Let me take you on a little journey through my own personal misery of watching England play. It starts, gentle reader, in 1986. Where my dad, knowing I’m getting very into football (Panini sticker albums, football yearbooks, bordering on obsession) makes sure I sit down to watch with him.  

 

Little did he know he had put me on a lifelong path of pure, abject misery. I still have vivid memories of both those Diego Maradona goals. My opinion on it has changed over the years. I always hated Maradona as a kid (we all did) for that handball, but football has changed, as I have. Football isn’t just a sport, it’s about what you can get away with. You have a weak referee, then exploit him. You have a goalkeeper who can’t out jump an actual midget? Exploit him.  

 

England’s Euro ‘88 was so forgettable, I had to google it. I literally don’t remember it happening. England lost all three of their group games, including heavy defeats to both eventual finalists; Netherlands and Soviet Union and an embarrassing 1-0 reverse to Ireland, which I had completely blocked out.  

 

Next came Italia ‘90 and what a glorious occasion this was. Paul Gascoigne. Gazza. At the peak of his powers. England squeaked through the groups, beating Egypt 1-0 (sound familiar?) What followed was a highlight of my childhood, honestly. David Platt’s sensational volley against Belgium (sound familiar?), beating the underdog Cameroon team before a semi-final penalties loss to West Germany. The heartbreak that day was very real.  

 

There’s been plenty of misery since, but it’s always hurt more when England have played well, deserved better and got shit on. Which is why Gareth Southgate’s England hasn’t had the same effect on me, because they’ve rarely played that well. They’ve just beaten lesser teams and every time they come up against a good team, they get slapped (bar Germany in the last Euros). Even in Euro 2020/21, in the final, Italy were poor and England just sat back and let them back into the game.  

 

ENGLAND 2 SLOVAKIA 1 

Which brings us to yesterday. England, in knock out football, can be tough going. Me, personally, I was looking forward to England getting knocked out when Slovakia scored first. Get them gone, so I can enjoy the rest of the tournament. This has been my mentality for years now. They won’t win so we might as well rip the plaster off quickly.  

 

But no, the misery continues. Jude Bellingham scored a sensational late goal, which England didn’t deserve. They were terrible. Again. Southgate’s selection was terrible, again. He’s still picking a right back at left back. He’s still incapable of changing his tactical approach, at all. He’s still incapable of early substitutions when his shitty starting line up is failing, again.  

 

As for Slovakia, they looked capable and made England look crap for most of the game. Their defence dropped deeper and deeper in the second half but for the majority of the game, they weren’t worried and why would they be? It’s only England. There are multiple examples of other teams saying they want to play England because England is beatable. England is spineless. England needs a miracle from St Jude.  

 

THE DREADED ENGLAND PLAYER RATINGS 

 

Jordan Pickford. He yelled at the defenders, which I like, and he even played some decent passes. Probably his best game of the tournament so far. *** 

 

Kyle Walker. The mystique of him is coming off a bit. The way Haraslin ran in behind him in the first half, and Walker couldn’t get near him, suggests that blistering pace might be on the wane a little. **½ 

 

Kieran Trippier. Cannot play left back, STILL. Gave the ball away for the goal. * 

 

Marc Guehi. Got a silly booking early on but was otherwise the best of the back line. *** 

 

John Stones. He’s been fine defensively in this tournament, but we all know Stones is in there as the baller in the back four. He’s not done that, at all. **½ 

 

Declan Rice. Loads of crap sideways passes. A major fault in England’s play all game. So weak in his decision making. I can only assume Southgate told him to stand just in front of the back four and never move. *½ 

 

Kobbie Maino. A huge improvement over Trent and Gallagher in there. Actually ran forwards. *** 

 

Phil Foden. Another bad day at the office for Phil. Was anonymous apart from his set pieces. **½ 

 

Bukayo Saka. Wasn’t involved going forwards. Played far better at left back than Trippier has all tournament though, so swings and roundabouts. **½ 

 

Jude Bellingham. England’s saviour. Without his miracle overhead kick England were dead and buried. He did try to force play and make runs during the game but everyone around him seemed incapable of playing a forward pass. **** 

 

Harry Kane. Got his goal in extra time but during the 90’ he spent most of his time wandering the pitch, in search of his destiny. Just wasn’t effective. ** 

 

Subs 

Cole Palmer. The first sub, after more than an hour, he tried hard but quickly discovered no one else was doing anything. It’s near impossible to change a game on your own. **½ 

 

Eberechi Eze. Played in the defence for a bit. Southgate just chucked him on and hoped for the best. Didn’t look like he knew what he was doing. ** 

 

Ivan Toney. The big man was England’s tallest player when he came on and found himself getting balls hoofed in his direction because of it. England were crap from open play, so needed set pieces and had no height. ** 

 

Esri Konsa. Quiet spell in the back line. ** 

 

Connor Gallagher. Ran around a lot. * 

 

Overall, this was such a bad England performance. They were seconds away from one of the most humiliating defeats in the country’s history. Not because of how bad Slovakia are, that’s unfair on them, but of how bad England’s performance was and has been over the four games. When the Slovakia crowd started doing the Icelandic thunderclap, I was getting flashbacks to how shit England were in that game. Literally rescued from embarrassment here by Jude Bellingham out of nothing. You take Jude out of the team and the players are on a flight home right now, likely to get pelted with rotten fruit at the other end and Gareth Southgate would never be heard from again.  

 

Part of me wishes that’s what happened. Because now I have to watch this England team play in at least one more game in this tournament. It will be painful.  

 

SPAIN 4 GEORGIA 1 

I had a blast watching this. It was superb entertainment for about an hour. Until the point where Georgia were clearly beaten. I love the concept of an underdog who will come and try hard. One that genuinely thinks they can play aggressive, attacking football against a far better team. It was made better by Georgia taking the lead. Brilliant entertainment.  

 

Of course, Spain came back and looked exceptional in the process. I’m sure Germany have a plan to deal with Spain’s incredible attacking options and I’m also sure they’ll be thrilled to see Spain’s defence struggling against pacey wingers.  

 

Team of the Tournament (R16) 

GK: Sommer 

RB: Carvajal 

LB: Cucurella  

CB: Akanji 

CB: Schlotterbeck  

MF: Xhaka 

MF: Ruiz 

MF: Rodri 

LW: Yamal  

RW: Williams  

ST: Havertz 

 

NEXT 

 

FRANCE vs. BELGIUM 

This should be very close. Neither team has really hit a rhythm in their group matches. Belgium have higher highs and looked great against Romania. Kevin de Bruyne, in particular. However, France can’t carry on plodding along surely? You look at their players and their experience and surely it starts to change in their favour sooner or later?  

 

My prediction is based on how tight this is likely to be. You look at their previous meetings and it’s always been tight. You have to go back to 2004 for a two-goal winning margin. Belgium’s consistent bottling of big games in big tournaments could be the difference maker. Or it could be Kylian Mbappe, who is France when they go forwards. I’m going penalties and France to go through. Prediction: 1-1 

 

PORTUGAL vs. SLOVENIA 

Slovenia have played on the counter on this tournament and there is a risk for Portugal there. Especially when you look at what happened to Portugal B when they faced that counter running from Georgia. However, I think this is more likely to go the way of Portugal vs. Turkey, where Turkey had a lot of skill but couldn’t break through that defence.  

 

Slovenia will want to keep it tight and hope for a Sesko miracle. One small thing is holding me back on the Portugal call and that’s back in March, Slovenia beat Portugal 2-0 in a friendly. While Slovenia had their best XI out in that game, Portugal did not. I don’t think this will be close and if Portugal start strong, it could get ugly. Prediction: 4-0